Saturday, May 11, 2013

Bits Of Wisdom












Wisdom is what you learn by making mistakes… or you can learn something from others.  Some even find wisdom from Bible passages and stories.

Below are some bits of wisdom you won’t find in the Bible, but relevant never-the-less.

KNOWLEDGE is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
WISDOM is not using it in a fruit salad.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered, but I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue; “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Last Week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

Santa Clause has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP! – Joe Namath

I don’t feel old.  I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill.

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

“If it tastes good, spit it out.” – Cardiologist’s Diet

Now, don't ya feel more wisdomer?   John Coffey

And… May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

14 comments:

Linda said...

Those were hilarious!

Janie Junebug said...

Yes, I definitely feel more wisdomer. I will never drive into a muddy lake again.

Love,
Janie

Momma Fargo said...

Loved every one!!

Momma Fargo said...

Loved every one!!

Jess said...

When I first started reading quotes from Mark Twain, I realized how long U.S. citizens have put up with the abysmally fecklessness of Congress.

Old NFO said...

Good ones John, thanks!

lotta joy said...

And may you be safely in heaven five minutes before the devil knows you're dead.

CnC said...

I like Twains the best! Haha

CnC said...

I like Twains the best! Haha

CnC said...

I like Twains the best! Haha

CnC said...

I guess I really like Twain lol didn't meat to write it in triplicate !

Lil Dreamer said...

So THAT'S why nobody eats my fruit salad!!!!

J said...

now I know where to go for wisdom. Especially about tomatoes..

J-Tony said...

Namath's reminds me of my Dad. We were always those damn kids. Whenever he'd yell for us it was always, you damn kids.