Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Men Are Simple Creatures

Men Are Just Happier Because:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000 - Tux rental $100!
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons!
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.  If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out comes the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337, and a man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A married man can forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

See??? We Are Such Simple Creatures.


LL said...

It's great being a guy!!

lotta joy said...

because I got married, I couldn't prove who I really was in order to get my driver's license renewed. I couldn't prove who I HAD been, after getting a new last name. I had to fly home, where those in charge KNEW me, in order to renew my $8 license at a cost of $600 air fare. So I understand the horrors of changing your last name.

Men have it easy because we ARE their memory banks, their calendar, the reminder of birthdays and doctor appointments. Men usually die first only because we reach the end of our tether and kill them in their sleep.

Coffeypot said...

LL tis true.

LJ - And we appreciate it, too. Leaves us more time for important stuff - like making the money that buys you all the shit you need.

Momma Fargo said...

Hah. men are such simple creatures indeed! I am a no body with my married name(s). I should have never changed my name. Bastahds. Penis envy.'s not what I meant.

Coffeypot said...

MF - Both of my neices and my step-daughter, Dr. Amber, kept their last names when they married. They said it was THEIR name, less paperwork, and old friends found it easier to find them. You can still do it... especially the last name of the pos you were married too. He does not deserve to have his name attached to as great a lady as you.

Old NFO said...

Oh so true... :-)

Anonymous said...

Now that was funny and most of them were true.