Thursday, February 12, 2015

Remember Hollywood Squares?

These some of the funniest and greatest answers from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.  Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q - Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?  
A - Paul Lynde: Loneliness!  
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)  

- Do female frogs croak?  
A - Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.  

Q - If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A - Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.  

Q - True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years? 
A - George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.  

Q - You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?  
A - Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.  

Q - According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?  
A - Rose Marie: No wait until morning.  

Q - Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A - Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.  

Q - In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?  
A - Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.  

Q - What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?  
A - George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.  

Q - As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?  
A - Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.  

Q - Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?  
A - Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.  

Q - Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?  
A - Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.  

Q - In bowling, what's a perfect score?  
A - Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.  

Q - It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?  
A - Paul Lynde: Tape measures.  

Q - During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?  
A - Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.  

Q - Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?  
A - Marty Allen: Only after lights out.  

Q - When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?  
A - Paul Lynde: Make him bark?  

Q - If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A - Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.  

Q - According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A - Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.  

Q - It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?  
A - Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.  

Q - Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?  
A - George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.  

Q - Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?  
A - Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?  

Q - When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?  
A - Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.  

Q - Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?  
A - Charley Weaver: His feet.  

Q - According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?  
A - Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. 



Janie Junebug said...

I remember Hollywood Squares from my early childhood. One of my sisters stood next to the host (Peter Marshall?) in a bar in NY. Big frickin' deal. I think his son was a baseball player, but his last name wasn't Marshall.


Coffeypot said...

Peter's real last name was LaCock and his baseball son is Peter LaCock who played 1st base for 9 years with KC Royals and Chicago Cubs. Per Google. He is also he brother of Joanne Dru.

lotta joy said...

It's a shame he didn't ask the question: "What do you call a man named Peter LaCock?" OMG. The answers that would have gotten! Paul Lynde was always in the middle and I always loved the guest stars. They knew the questions and the answers they'd give prior to the show and I was always amazed that the censors didn't interfere. LOVED that show.

Coffeypot said...

Under Woopie in the middle, questions and jokes were passed out to the squares. But according to Marshall, the squares were given suggested words or terms to go with questions, but not the questions. They would let Paul have a few drinks before the show and he adlibbed most of his stuff. He performed drunk most of the time. That is what made it such good viewing. One of my favorite shows, but not so in later years.

Old NFO said...

All good ones, and they WERE funny! :-)

Linda said...

Paul Lynde was my absolute favorite. I loved the grin and little bobble of the head. I never realized he was drunk. I wonder if they play reruns or if they have it on cds.

Momma Fargo said...

I loved this show. My dad and I would watch it and laugh and laugh. Good clean fun. Too bad they don't have shows like that anymore.

blueeyedtawni said...

I loved that show :D

Irish said...

The good old days when TV was worth watching. :-)

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