Monday, August 13, 2012

Ole & Lena




















Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas early viner and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da yeneral store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Boy, dat Ole is a tinker all right.



Saturday, August 11, 2012

John's Sayings















“I have diamonds, clubs, and spades,” said John heartlessly.

“I’m the butcher’s assistant,” said John cuttingly.

"Don’t you have any oranges or apples?” John asked fruitlessly.

“Someday, I want to teach at a university,” John professed.

“I can’t remember anything from the last 24 hours,” said John lackadaisically.

“Elvis is dead,” said John expressly.

“I hate this Chardonnay.” John whined.

“A man almost died with two plastic horses up his ass.” John said he was stable.

“Yes a Kola is a bear” clamed John because he has all the qualifications.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

A Short Love Story



















Tissue time…

A man and a woman who had never met and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over having to share the compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

Around 1:00 A.M. the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she purred in reply. “Just for tonight let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good!” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End!

(sniff, sniff - wiping tears from my eyes) I tried to warn you.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

A Farmer's Words of Wisdom

Life from the seat of a tractor or an old Farmer's Words of Wisdom











Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

And, finally.........................................












.







Friday, August 03, 2012

Olympic Broadcasting Goofs














(Not that any of these were involved...maybe)

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Chuck Wannabe’s



















ME THINKS SOMEONE IS JEALOUS!

The Excitement of Hitting a BINGO

Winning is everything!
























Big winner at the American
legion club in Celina, TN.
It doesn't get any better than this!