Tuesday, September 18, 2007

All About Me Me

I saw this one at Marni’s place and I though you might want to know me a little better. They’re hard questions that take a lot of soul searching to answer. I did my best, and I hope it doesn’t upset you too much in reading about my life.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? Yes! I go to the library to get audio cd’s when I go on my road trips, and sometimes they have stuff on the back. I lick it and rub it gingerly on my shirt. I don’t savor the taste or anything like that, just get it wet.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? About 21 years. I was 42 and worked with her. She fulfilled the need and we both went on with our lives. I still see her occasionally at the mall or someplace. We are still friends, but I couldn’t put up with her again. She still giggles at everything. I guess its nerves.

Ever been in a car wreck? Are you kidding me? I drive like a one eyed bat out of hell. There have been several, but I have only been at fault once. About 40 years ago.

Were you popular in high school? No! I was an asshole dork. Too skinny and shy, so I made up for it by being obnoxious.

Have you ever been on a blind date? Yes, many. None were bad, but very few were ever repeat dates. I could have made us miserable – because I can do that – but I decided that she took the time out of her life to meet me, the least I could do was make it as nice as I could. If she could sit across from me and carry on a decent conversation, well, what else could I ask for (other than a bj?)

Are looks important? Well, if you have to tie a bone around her neck to get the dog to play with her, I wouldn’t want to be seen in public with her. But if she can suck a golf ball though a 20’ water hose, there might be hope for us. Actually, no! Looks do not matter. If it did, I would NEVER have had a date.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more? I have people I have known for that long, but no friends.

By what age would you like to be married? Aren’t you a little late with this one? I have been married twice and I was too young both times. And if something happens to Sweet Tea, I’ll still be too young to marry. I think the right age would be somewhere around 105.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them? It might. I can’t view her if there are 12 or 15 people laying all over her. That would affect my view for sure. But her past, nah. Unless she was with John Holms, then there’s nothing I could do for her.

Are you a good tipper? Sure! I tell people all the time not to be the tallest thing around during an electric storm, or not to place the radio on the side of the tub when taking a bath and other tips like that.

What's the most you have spent for a haircut? $20 at a stylist shop because the Great Clips was too crowded and I was in a hurry.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? I’ve had a few teachers I would have liked to have crushed, but, no. All my women teachers were old and fat. I never had a teacher like I see in schools today. And the men teaches didn’t float my boat, either, because I don’t row that way.

Have you ever peed in public? Yeahhhhh! Not trying to win a size contest, just because I HAD TO GO.

What song do you want played at your funeral? None! I am not going to have a funeral. The bastards didn’t come to see me when I was alive; I’m not going to give them the pleasure of gloating over me when I’m gone. I am going to be cremated and stored in the garage.

What would your last meal be before getting executed? Christ! Who can eat at a time like this? If it was by lethal injection, maybe I could get a hamburger and fries with diet coke down. But if it was the electric chair, I don’t think I could even swallow. If I could, I guess it would be a bunch of popcorn seeds to see if they pop when the juice is turned on.

Beatles or Stones? Conway Twittie!

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be? If it could be by a bolt of lightning I would choose Ted Kennedy, especially if Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry, “Turbin” Durbin, Bill and Hillery and Barrac Obama were standing around him holding hands.

Beer, wine or hard liquor? Beer or Jack Black Old #7

Do you have any phobias? No! Plenty of Leary’s, but no phobias.

What are your plans for the future? To live the rest of my life or die trying.

Do you walk around the house naked? Whose house? Not mine, but I’m not a fanatic about it. Make me an offer.

If you were an animal what would you be? A wolf (alpha male of course.) If you mean a bird it would be an eagle.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house? Go to the bathroom and pee, then I go to the computer to check my emails and blogs.

Do you like horror or comedy? Comedy (especially pornographic comedy.)

Are you missing anyone? No! Everyone I know is accounted for. Why? Do you know something I don’t?

Where do you want to live when you are old? I don’t care. I am old and I live here (until we can get the place sold) and then I will live somewhere else. I don’t require much.

Who is the person you can count on the most? Sweet Tea! She is always there when I need her – even if I don’t want her to be there. I think she cares; which absolutely amazes me.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be? Catharine Bell, of JAG, or Dana Delaney, of China Beach fame. Or any other women who could afford to give me the life I would love to become accustom too.

What did you dream last night? That I could fly and I could take Sweet Tea with me by holding her hand. We flew from roof tops to roof tops. Then we flew into the mountains and set in trees. Yes, we were human, not birds. When I woke up my arms were real sore, too.

What is your favorite sport to watch? The kids' soccer games, a NASCAR race and nude mud wrestling. But not at the same time.

Are you named after anyone? Two Bible figures. Boy did my older brother, who named me, miss the mark.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Jack Black and beer (Boiler Maker).

Non alcoholic drink? Coffee or Diet Coke or Sweet Tea (the drink).

Have you ever been in love? Many times! Mostly with me, but, alas, I’m taken.

Do you sing in the shower? Yes, but not like I use to do. I sound pretty good, too. Put a shower on stage during American Idol and I’ll give them a run for their money.

Have you ever been arrested? Yes. But not booked and fingerprinted or stripped searched. Just thrown in the calaboose and waited until I could pay the fine for doing 95 mph through a 15 mph zone.

What is your favorite Holiday? National Procrastination Day – if they ever have it again.

Would you ever get plastic surgery? Yes! I would like to have the bags under my eyes removed. They could use the extra skin and make a billfold or suite case or something.

Have you ever caught a fish? Doing what? I’ve caught a bunch of them eating my worms and crickets.

So now do you know me any better? I feel drained and in need of a cold beer. Care to join me?


KB said...

Now those are the greatest survey answers I have ever read!

Teri said...

yeah, what kb said!

loved the electric chair answer

coffeypot said...

Thanks, KB. I'm glad I'm appreciated when I bare my soul like that.

Teri, I bet you never look at a bowl of popcorn the same way again.

her indoors said...

LOL love the answers, favourate has got to be what song you going to have at your funeral LMAO

e.Craig said...

Some very revealing stuff there, Coffeypot. ;-)

Biddie said...

Your answers sound laot like Shawns.. When he dies, he wants to be stuffed and made into a coat rack.
I think that you two would get along great!

coffeypot said...

I would like to meet Shawn, too. I hadn't thought about being stuffed, but how about being stuffed with a hinge in my waist and use me as a toilet seat. You could sit in my lap while you do your business.

GrizzBabe said...

You sound like the kinda fella I'd like to get to know. As long as there's no Conway Twitty playing in the background.

coffeypot said...

GB - How 'bout Tammy Wynette? No! I couldn't take that even as a joke. How 'bout Slim Whitman? Maybe some ZZ Top? The Wiggles?

Beth said...

You dated someone who was 63 when you were 42? You're so Ashton.

coffeypot said...

Beth - I know. She was sooo easy, too. I just gave her a cup of Metamucil and she was mine (between bathroom sprints, that is.)

Old Lady said...

You are about the funniest man in the world!

coffeypot said...

OL - No I'm not. But I am the man Jay Leno sent a note to saying he wanted to be my friend.

gawilli said...

I'm still stuck on licking the back of a CD from the library.

Very funny answers!

Beth said...

Hey, birthday boy — how about a post of the wisdom you've gained over these last sixtysomething years.

Biddie said...

Happy, Happy, Birthday!!!!
Whatcha gonna do to celebrate?

Judy Hamilton Conradi said...

Hello! I remember you quite well. Enoyed the blog. If you are boring, guess I am really into boring. Many laughs, many!

Two questions...

Who is Sweet Tea?
Are you a Democrat?

coffeypot said...

JHC, how do you remember me? I must have been too drunk, huh?

Sweet Tea is my best friend, my buddy, my wife.

Hell NO! I love my country to much to be a socialist. I'm a Republican because the Independent Party doesn't have a candidate with a lick of since, or who is not a fanatical idiot like those in the Democratic Party. I guess you can say I’m right of center but not hard right.

JHC said...

Johnny, I am Lynda's (Jim) sister!

I failed to wish you a HAPPY DAY and also wanted to say that if you enjoyed Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, try I Heard The Owl Call My Name.

Much happiness to you and Sweet Tea. Everybody likes sweet tea!
And, GWTW!!

coffeypot said...

JHC, of course! If I had concentrated on the middle name instead of the last name I MIGHT have had a clue. Duh! But I am glad it is you. I haven’t been drunk in over 25 years, but I have this fear of answering the door one day and a thirty something person would be standing there with their arms extended and saying, “Daddy! I’m your bastard son (or daughter.)” So to have it be you contacting me is both a relief and a pleasure.

I will look up the book, “I Heard The Owl Call My Name.” Just the title sounds great.

Are going to set up your own blog account and start communicating with the world? Or you going to be like Paige and stalk us bloggers? With her experiences in CA and GA, along with being a Coffey, I believe she would have a very interesting blog. So, come on in, the waters fine – and fun. Let me know when you do, I’ll be there as depraved as Beth tells you I am.

Thank you for reading this after all these years.

coffeypot said...

JHC – I must have had a “senior moment.” When you ask if I was a Democrat, I wondered why. But it wasn’t till I was taking Sweet Tea to the airport today that I realized the answer. I bet it was my misguided, liberal, socialist, but lovable niece, Beth, who put you up to it. She was using you to bate me into going on one of my diatribes and I almost fell for it. Ain’t she sweet? I should kidnap her, tie her up in a soundproof room and make her listen to Slim Whitman records for a week. If I’m wrong, well… I ain’t.

JHC said...

How can someone so right be so wrong...or something like that...
No, Beth probably does not even know I left a comment. She did email the blog to me along with a string of people..that is all. Would love to blog but I am on a computer 8+ hours a day with my hospital work...work at home but still pretty occupied. I "finished" your blog today and, truly, it is a winner! I said winner, Johnny, not weiner! I shall continue to read if you can continue to write...and, I think you can...and...will. Write on, write on.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL! Your sense of humor rocks! :-D

Thanks so much for your visit, coffeypot! What you and your daughter are doing is highly laudable! I am so pleased that you are doing it.

I have done many animal rescues and rehabilitations. Lately, my circumstances have changed and I am no longer involved. But I am very interested and concerned.

I've had rabbits, 'possums, crows, blackbirds, robins, owls, snakes, ferrets, many dogs and cats, birds (I still have a bird), fish etc etc.


Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I just read this again because it was so FUNNY! :-D LOL!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I'm not funny!


Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I absolutely love flying dreams, but I haven't had any lately.

I read soemwhere that flying dreams are connected to having had sex--were you busy that night, LOL?

(My busy-ness [and lack thereof]hasn't been helping me get off the ground in dreams lately)

coffeypot said...

MST, all it takes is a little coffey to have your soaring. Or put you to sleep.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

This stuff is hilarious! I have to keep going back to it to cheer myself up!

I got attacked by a rat once. I also had a pet rat that rode around the hospital under my long hair and peeked out and scared people.

coffeypot said...

Damn! How long is your hair anyway? Are you sure it's only rats you have living in there?

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I'm still enjoying rereading this post cause it's so fun and funny, even though it has disappeared below the blogger horizon.

I dated a guy 21 years younger than me and he constantly told these really dumb jokes.

I still see him occasionally. He doesn't giggle. He still tells dumb jokes, but not every two seconds. He's pretty much turned into a real person--and he's with someone almost as old as me!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Oh, and my hair? It's down below my waist.

I'm thinking of cutting it off and sending it to locks for love if I ever have time (or can drag myself away from my computer.) I did that last time it got this long.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

By the way, it is really really easy to put a LINK in a blog post--just click on the little green link symbol in the bar at the top and a little box opens up and past the URL in and click OK, takes about 3 more seconds than just posting the link in naked.

coffeypot said...

MST, I'm probably 21 years older than you and I still tell really dumb jokes. I refuse to grow up. I can't do anything about the aging, but I can do something about growing old.

I love long hair, and I admire you for sending it to Locks For Love, if and when you get the time, that is.

I'm still jealous of your artistic talent, though.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

For some reason, I was always attracted to skinny asshole dorks. In high school and ever since. But I've got one of my own now.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

You could grow your hair long.

Anyone can be an artist--just paint or draw something.

did you find that green link button that opens the link window on the blogger?