All About Me Me

I saw this one at Marni’s place and I though you might want to know me a little better. They’re hard questions that take a lot of soul searching to answer. I did my best, and I hope it doesn’t upset you too much in reading about my life.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? Yes! I go to the library to get audio cd’s when I go on my road trips, and sometimes they have stuff on the back. I lick it and rub it gingerly on my shirt. I don’t savor the taste or anything like that, just get it wet.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? About 21 years. I was 42 and worked with her. She fulfilled the need and we both went on with our lives. I still see her occasionally at the mall or someplace. We are still friends, but I couldn’t put up with her again. She still giggles at everything. I guess its nerves.

Ever been in a car wreck? Are you kidding me? I drive like a one eyed bat out of hell. There have been several, but I have only been at fault once. About 40 years ago.

Were you popular in high school? No! I was an asshole dork. Too skinny and shy, so I made up for it by being obnoxious.

Have you ever been on a blind date? Yes, many. None were bad, but very few were ever repeat dates. I could have made us miserable – because I can do that – but I decided that she took the time out of her life to meet me, the least I could do was make it as nice as I could. If she could sit across from me and carry on a decent conversation, well, what else could I ask for (other than a bj?)

Are looks important? Well, if you have to tie a bone around her neck to get the dog to play with her, I wouldn’t want to be seen in public with her. But if she can suck a golf ball though a 20’ water hose, there might be hope for us. Actually, no! Looks do not matter. If it did, I would NEVER have had a date.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more? I have people I have known for that long, but no friends.

By what age would you like to be married? Aren’t you a little late with this one? I have been married twice and I was too young both times. And if something happens to Sweet Tea, I’ll still be too young to marry. I think the right age would be somewhere around 105.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them? It might. I can’t view her if there are 12 or 15 people laying all over her. That would affect my view for sure. But her past, nah. Unless she was with John Holms, then there’s nothing I could do for her.

Are you a good tipper? Sure! I tell people all the time not to be the tallest thing around during an electric storm, or not to place the radio on the side of the tub when taking a bath and other tips like that.

What's the most you have spent for a haircut? $20 at a stylist shop because the Great Clips was too crowded and I was in a hurry.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? I’ve had a few teachers I would have liked to have crushed, but, no. All my women teachers were old and fat. I never had a teacher like I see in schools today. And the men teaches didn’t float my boat, either, because I don’t row that way.

Have you ever peed in public? Yeahhhhh! Not trying to win a size contest, just because I HAD TO GO.

What song do you want played at your funeral? None! I am not going to have a funeral. The bastards didn’t come to see me when I was alive; I’m not going to give them the pleasure of gloating over me when I’m gone. I am going to be cremated and stored in the garage.

What would your last meal be before getting executed? Christ! Who can eat at a time like this? If it was by lethal injection, maybe I could get a hamburger and fries with diet coke down. But if it was the electric chair, I don’t think I could even swallow. If I could, I guess it would be a bunch of popcorn seeds to see if they pop when the juice is turned on.

Beatles or Stones? Conway Twittie!

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be? If it could be by a bolt of lightning I would choose Ted Kennedy, especially if Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry, “Turbin” Durbin, Bill and Hillery and Barrac Obama were standing around him holding hands.

Beer, wine or hard liquor? Beer or Jack Black Old #7

Do you have any phobias? No! Plenty of Leary’s, but no phobias.

What are your plans for the future? To live the rest of my life or die trying.

Do you walk around the house naked? Whose house? Not mine, but I’m not a fanatic about it. Make me an offer.

If you were an animal what would you be? A wolf (alpha male of course.) If you mean a bird it would be an eagle.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house? Go to the bathroom and pee, then I go to the computer to check my emails and blogs.

Do you like horror or comedy? Comedy (especially pornographic comedy.)

Are you missing anyone? No! Everyone I know is accounted for. Why? Do you know something I don’t?

Where do you want to live when you are old? I don’t care. I am old and I live here (until we can get the place sold) and then I will live somewhere else. I don’t require much.

Who is the person you can count on the most? Sweet Tea! She is always there when I need her – even if I don’t want her to be there. I think she cares; which absolutely amazes me.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be? Catharine Bell, of JAG, or Dana Delaney, of China Beach fame. Or any other women who could afford to give me the life I would love to become accustom too.

What did you dream last night? That I could fly and I could take Sweet Tea with me by holding her hand. We flew from roof tops to roof tops. Then we flew into the mountains and set in trees. Yes, we were human, not birds. When I woke up my arms were real sore, too.

What is your favorite sport to watch? The kids' soccer games, a NASCAR race and nude mud wrestling. But not at the same time.

Are you named after anyone? Two Bible figures. Boy did my older brother, who named me, miss the mark.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Jack Black and beer (Boiler Maker).

Non alcoholic drink? Coffee or Diet Coke or Sweet Tea (the drink).

Have you ever been in love? Many times! Mostly with me, but, alas, I’m taken.

Do you sing in the shower? Yes, but not like I use to do. I sound pretty good, too. Put a shower on stage during American Idol and I’ll give them a run for their money.

Have you ever been arrested? Yes. But not booked and fingerprinted or stripped searched. Just thrown in the calaboose and waited until I could pay the fine for doing 95 mph through a 15 mph zone.

What is your favorite Holiday? National Procrastination Day – if they ever have it again.

Would you ever get plastic surgery? Yes! I would like to have the bags under my eyes removed. They could use the extra skin and make a billfold or suite case or something.

Have you ever caught a fish? Doing what? I’ve caught a bunch of them eating my worms and crickets.

So now do you know me any better? I feel drained and in need of a cold beer. Care to join me?