Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Lets Hear It For The Old Folks

Since you like the last joke, here are a couple more gross jokes my friends have sent to me.

Grandma and grandpa go to a motel for the night, just like they did when they were young.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and goes to the bathroom to freshen up.
Grandma takes off her clothes and gets on the bed. She decides to do a few stretches so she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Grandpa comes into the room, sees her and says, "God Dimmit woman, will you comb your hair and put your teeth back in, you look like an asshole"

This old couple goes to the doctor. The doctor calls them into the examination room and asks them what the problem is. The old man looks at the old lady and then asks the doctor to watch them make love. He agrees, and they get down to business. He observes everything and, after they are finished he declares that everything seems to be working just fine. Blood pressure is okay, and heart beat is strong. So he sends them on their way.

A couple of weeks later the old couple returns and asks the doctor to observe them having sex again. This time the results are the same, but the doctor ask why they had come back.

The old man says, “Well, doc. I’m married and she is married. A hotel room cost $50 a day and your office visit is only $30 and Medicare pays 80% of that. See you in a couple of weeks.”

And, finally, I think I told you guy’s this one before, but I’ll do it again simply because I am senile and can’t remember if I did or not.

A mother stopped by to visit her daughter unexpectedly one afternoon. She let herself into the house and found her daughter lying on the couch in the nude. In shock, she sputters to her daughter, “What in the world are you doing.”

The daughter jumps up and puts on a robe and embarrassingly tells her mother that her husband is due home any minuet and he loves for her to meet him in her birthday suit. It turns him on and they have fantastic sex. You should try it.

The mother, not wanting to cause an embarrassing scene for the husband, left in a hurry. She thought about it on the way home and thought she would surprise her husband when he came home. So when she heard his car pull into the driveway, she got naked and stretched out on the couch. He came in the door, saw her lying on the couch, and said, “Goddamn, woman, what are you doing.”

She smiled seductively and said, “I though I would meet and greet you in my birthday suit.”

He shakes his head and says, “Well you had better iron the damn thing because it is wrinkled as hell.”

He gets out of the hospital in a couple of days.


clew said...

Hi Coffeypot, I'm popping over from Itchy's blog (your avatar caught my eye :)

LOL at that last one especially!

You might have heard this one but it's my favorite.

A guy comes home to find his wife admiring herself in the mirror. He said what are you doing? She said I had my annual physical today, and the doctor said I have the breasts of a 25 year old.

He said well did he say anything about your 40 year old ass?

She paused a moment and said, no he didnt mention you.

HAAA! Sorry if it's a repeat ... I'm a newbie here ;)

Happy Thanksgiving! Come on by for a pieve of pie!

clew said...

Make that a PIECE of pie ... ugh, typos.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL! I heard that one before, CLEW, but it is still funny.

Here's one I just got, hope you didn't already see it:


For those of you who are coming to our place for Thanksgiving dinner-
Martha Stewart ain't gonna be here! I'm telling you in advance, so
Don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a
Few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper
Bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how
Cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired
Welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated
With the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having
Them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was
Their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive
Linens, fancy China, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use
Dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS
Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit
Plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that
I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
Hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me
It is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
Entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share
Every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and
The turkey hot line. Please remember that most of these comments were
Made at 5:00 a. M. Upon discovering that the turkey was still hard
Enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of
Tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a
Recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
Suspiciously like a frozen Turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell
To announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our
Traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating
Arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the
Table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask
The children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey
In front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be
Happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved
In a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any
Circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small,
Unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric
Knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
Eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that
"passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to
Bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one
Reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially
While in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet
Gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner
Questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead
Ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a
Choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving
The traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
Fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this year. She probably
Won't come next year either. I am thankful.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

darn, I'd seen these before. I was hoping for the one that ends, Where's my toast about the old couple who went to the doctor and were told to take notes. I love that one.

Gotta go pick up Piano boy at a friend's and take him to his lesson. Bye.

Olly said...

...the tribal drumming sounding suspiciously like a frozen turkey in the dryer...

That one just kills me!!!

When Darkness Falls... said...

These are all really cute! Thanks for the laughs!

coffeypot said...

clew, thanks for stopping by. I'll be over later for the pie. I know all about typos. Sometimes I wash my hands and can't do a thing with my fingers.

MST, I agree with the Thanksgiving policy. If you don’t like my paper plates and plastic cups and forks, then don’t let the door knob hit you in the ass on the way out.

olly, I never thought of that way to defrost anything, but I might try it. Especially that ice-cream that bends spoons.

when darkness falls, your welcome. I try to please.

KLee said...

You are such a card! Here's one for you:

A man, age 93, and his sweetheart, age 90, get married. It is the first marriage for both. Both are very nervous about the upcoming wedding night. Both consult their friends for advice.

The big day arrives, and then the honeymoon. The bride, shy, goes to the bathroom to change. She's in there such a long time that the bridegroom now has to go to the bathroom! He goes into the bathroom to see what's taking so long, and he sees his wife standing on her head!

He asks her, in some amazement -- "What are you doing?" She replies, "Well, you're not exactly a spring chicken anymore... I figured if you couldn't get it up, the least you could do was drop it in!"

Bad, huh? That's what we, in my family, call a dad joke.

e.Craig said...

question: What's that tiny shriveled up thing hanging on grandpa?

Answer: Grandma.

That's my contribution. ;-)

coffeypot said...

klee and e.craig, great contributions.:-D

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him. Hi, 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself.

It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.
'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'Bob Titsnbeer'

Gotta get to work cooking. Appl-berry pie first, then cranberry salad, then . . .

Hope you and Tea have a great thanksgiving! :-D

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

LOL! We tend to really overdo it and crack out the good china and make way too much food. DUH!

RWA said...

coffeypot, I don't know where you find these things, but they are hilarious.

coffeypot said...

mst, I guess my name, then, would be Sawyer Assnlegs.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving. Sweet Tea is in the Caribbean for the holidays. I think I am going to go pickup my sister (who is more like my mother at 13 years older) and take her out to eat.

rwa, I get emails and faxes almost every day from friends all over the world with jokes and pictures. I just can't show all of them. Humor is a very big part of my life. I love to laugh.

her indoors said...

love them all!
humour keeps me going, so keep them coming x

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

They now have a liquid form of Viagara, called Micoxadril. A guy can
now come home from work and pour himself a stiff one.

This public service message brought to you by the anti-stress
medication, Damitol.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I hope you had fun with your sister. Wafflehouse?

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Tickle Me Elmo:
>>> There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
>>> the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
>>> it under the arms.
>>> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
>>> she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>>> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
>>> Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
>>> open the door and begins to rant about the new
>>> employee.
>>> He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
>>> line is backing up, putting the entire production line
>>> behind schedule.
>>> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
>>> himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
>>> When they get there the line is so backed up that there
>>> are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
>>> really beginning to pile up.
>>> At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
>>> of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
>>> red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
>>> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
>>> of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
>>> carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
>>> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
>>> After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
>>> together and approaches Lena.
>>> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
>>> "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
>>> yesterday..."
>>> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of
the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for
a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to
the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he
do a good job?"

The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf
course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole
hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least
200 mph when it smacked me right in the nuts."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does
that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in
two years that my teeth didn't hurt."