Sunday, December 30, 2007

Dot Will Leave - Yahoo

This is Dot, the love child of Jabba the Hut and the Wicked Witch of the West.

 


Just two more days and Grannydot will be gone. That’s good, but the best thing is, I’m not in jail. I try to be understanding and realize she is eighty three and all, but still…

She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And she is nutty as a fruitcake, too.

Take for instance the night we went to see J-Man in his first band concert. We stopped for fast food because of the time. She had never had Chic-Fillet chicken sandwich and didn’t know what to order. So she looked at the menu and chose the biggest meal they offer. Sweet Tea told me what she wanted and added a fried peach pie to order. GD had to have one, too. Okay! I can live with that – if she would eat everything she ordered. But you guessed it, she at the peach pie first. Then complained that she had heartburn and wanted a stick of gum to make it go away. Just like Diet Pepsi stops her throat from clogging up when she eats pepper.

Because of Friday night traffic we were running a little late, so I told her to just sit on the front row of the gym bleachers. Well! She’ll have me know that she can climb a few steps. “Dot,” I said, “there are no railings to hold on too.” She said she that I could help her up the steps. I told her I would help her alright. I would stick my finger up her ass and march her up the steps to the top tier on her tiptoes. She said, “You just try if, mister.” I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t do that to my finger. She ended up sitting in a chair on the gym floor. Fuck with me!

She takes pills. When she dies the pill company will have to lay off twenty people. She takes pills to thin her blood because of a triple by-pass she had. That is okay. Not a problem. But she takes pills to make her shit, and pills to soften her stools and pills to stop the gas, and pills to help her cholesterol, and pills to help her digest her food and pills to help her eyes and pills for every occassion know to man that I never heard of. I ask her why she takes pills to make her shit and pills to stop gas buildup, and pills to help her see (fish oil peels.) She said her doctor said she needed them. I told her I think her body is confused. It doesn’t know rather to shit or go blind. She said I wasn’t’ a doctor and to mind my own business. I would if it wasn’t costing me a fortune in Rx and toilet paper. It is absolutely amazing how one little woman can go thought so much tp. Rolls and rolls! Of course she does have a huge ass.

For Christmas, we did something different this year and it was fun. Everyone who came over had to bring three gifts totaling less that $100. One of the gifts had to be a “white elephant” gag gift. Then we all drew numbers to see who gets the first gift. The second person can either take an unopened present from the pile or take the one the person before you had opened. Then the number one person draws another present. It’s fun, believe me. When it came to be Dot’s turn she chose the biggest box on the floor simply because she wanted to have the biggest present. Appropriately, it was a gag gift that had a Sponge Bob Square Pants toilet seat and two towels rolled up to look like a butt with a tootsie roll sticking out. She was pissed, but tried not to show it. Amber’s boyfriend, Bob, felt sorry for her (he's a liberal, ya know) and took it on his turn. I ask her why she chose something so big when she wouldn’t be able to take it on the plane when she went home. She said I could mail it to her. I said why don’t I mail her, it’s cheaper than a ticket. She pretended not to hear me. She is also selectively deaf, too.

Oh! There are many more “conversations” we have had, but I think you get the drift. She loves me and thinks I’m funny. I’m not! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid. But she will be gone on Tuesday. Unfortunately Sweet Tea will, too. She will be in Murray Hill, NJ, for most of January. I do have another transport going to NJ and to NY on the 2nd, and I will stop and have lunch with ST, but Grannydot is out of my hair – till next Christmas. Pray for me!
Posted by Picasa

24 comments:

When Darkness Falls... said...

You are too funny! And the look she is giving you in the picture... priceless! :)

gawilli said...

What a stitch! ...he's a liberal ya know! You remind me a lot of my mother. I used to tell her that I voted to cancel out her vote, just to tick her off!

Your gift exchange sounds like a winner. I'm putting it on the list for next year.

Brother Dave said...

We all know that you will truly miss and pine for GrannyDot.

RWA said...

That is a great picture ... and this is a hilarious post.

I am glad that you two survived each other ... and you haven't done anything to end up in jail.

Marni said...

How about the fact that I chose the gift she bought - the candy from the 60s - and then when it was her turn she stole it from me!!!!

Oh well.

coffeypot said...

WDF - It isn’t the look she is giving me, it’s her natural look. Little kids cry or run screaming.

Gawilli – My mom and dad use to do the same thing. I would thank them for doing it because it made my vote count.

BD – I will truly miss replacing a roll of toilet paper every other day, hearing her whistle along with any music that comes on the television, watch and listen to her talk with a mouth full of food – the only time she has anything to say at the table is when she has just shoveled a load of food into her mouth. Yuck! I’ll miss and pine for her like I would a case of the flu or a cold sore on my lip.

RWA – She’s still here; there’s still time for homicide.

Marni – I forgot about that. She hand selected the old style candies at Cracker Barrel and had them wrapped real pretty. Then, when you drew the gift, she took it back on her next draw. I can’t help but think she had it planned all along. I just wonder how she is going to get it on the plane.

Marni said...

She'll eat it all before she leaves...

HoosierGirl5 said...

Happy New Year, Coffeypot!

Are you going through Indiana again any time soon?

I'll treat this time....

J.

Burfica said...

Oh man I can't help but laugh, but not in a funny kind of way. In a I'm going through the same psycho ass bullshit with Gigantor's dad.

I really hate to say it, but some days I wish he would just kick it.

e.Craig said...

Sounds to me you have had way way more fun than you deserve. We've heard only your side of the story anyway. Maybe we should pray for Grannydot. ;-)

T. Sidoti said...

You can just feel the love.

Happy New Year!

coffeypot said...

Hootergirl, I don’t think so. That was a one-time deal. Most of my transports will be to the North East or Florida area. But if I do come that way again, you will be the first to know.

Burfica, I do understand. But I had dreams of me taking her out. They seem to develop a different personality as they age. But Sweet Tea told me Dot has always been a hypochondriac. Whether it is she really believes she is sick or just a sad attempt to gain attention, I don’t know. Don’t care! She’s gone!

E.Craig, Prayers would help anyone. But it would have to be about her and only her. But don’t take to long because she will have to use the bathroom soon.

Major T, I think it must be more like gas that you feel. No great love here.

Beth said...

You're a saint, sir. I would have tripped her on stairs by now.

coffeypot said...

I am far from a saint, sweetie. But I would have to push her fat ass up the stairs before I could trip her down them. And if she slipped going up, I could have my head stuck up that living, breathing, overacting ass.

Cooper Green said...

That's priceless, John. I had an Aunt like that, with a hole in the top of her head so the universe had a pivot point to revolve around her. I'd insult her and she'd think I was funny. But I wasn't. I was irritated. Congratulations on getting her to stick to her departure date.

coffeypot said...

CG, putting a hole in her head? Now that is something I could really get behind. Did you use a 357 or 44 magnum? Personally I would like a spike and hammer.

whatevergirl said...

You guys put the 'fun' in dysfunctional!
I cannot stop laughing that she gave a candy gift and then took it back!
Thank God all of my crazy family lives in town.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

We did that gift exchange thing a few times at work, and every time, I picked an unopened present, got something I liked and had someone take it away from me. That was NOT MY IDEA of fun. :-(

WAHN!

but YOU are FUNNY! LOL!

And I'm an old stick in the mud like Dot, LOL!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

When we went to visit my kids after Christmas, we stayed in a motel all but one of the nights.

coffeypot said...

Whatevergirl - I found out from Sweet Tea that she ask her how this gift swapping thing worked. Then she picked out everything she wanted and then waited. ST tried to explain the idea of gift-GIVING, but she is too self-centered to understand that concept. Personally, I don’t care if she never comes back. But if she does, believe me, she will not get a free ride without some comment from me to piss her off.

MST – I don’t mind anyone coming to stay at my house for a few days. In fact, I really like it. But a month and a half is a bit much. The saying goes that house guest and fish began to stink after a few days. Family and friends should remember that.

Anonymous said...

I was laughing so hard, I was crying!! GD is so like my grandmother was. Take a pill to remember to take pills. And the Sponge Bob toliet seat-hahahaa!! I can imagine her face!! FUNNY!! T

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

You are pretty funny.

I learned that saying as fish and guests stink ofter 3 days and am careful NEVER to stay anywhere more than that. Except with poor Biker Buddy, but he chose me.\\

That is quite an expression! LOL!

I take it she doesn't read you blog?

Pamela said...

I just threw away all my pills.

Sunflower said...

haha and still giggling. Too funny :) Awe you know you love it! Happy New Year 2008!