This is Dot, the love child of Jabba the Hut and the Wicked Witch of the West.
Just two more days and Grannydot will be gone. That’s good, but the best thing is, I’m not in jail. I try to be understanding and realize she is eighty three and all, but still…
She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And she is nutty as a fruitcake, too.
Take for instance the night we went to see J-Man in his first band concert. We stopped for fast food because of the time. She had never had Chic-Fillet chicken sandwich and didn’t know what to order. So she looked at the menu and chose the biggest meal they offer. Sweet Tea told me what she wanted and added a fried peach pie to order. GD had to have one, too. Okay! I can live with that – if she would eat everything she ordered. But you guessed it, she at the peach pie first. Then complained that she had heartburn and wanted a stick of gum to make it go away. Just like Diet Pepsi stops her throat from clogging up when she eats pepper.
Because of Friday night traffic we were running a little late, so I told her to just sit on the front row of the gym bleachers. Well! She’ll have me know that she can climb a few steps. “Dot,” I said, “there are no railings to hold on too.” She said she that I could help her up the steps. I told her I would help her alright. I would stick my finger up her ass and march her up the steps to the top tier on her tiptoes. She said, “You just try if, mister.” I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t do that to my finger. She ended up sitting in a chair on the gym floor. Fuck with me!
She takes pills. When she dies the pill company will have to lay off twenty people. She takes pills to thin her blood because of a triple by-pass she had. That is okay. Not a problem. But she takes pills to make her shit, and pills to soften her stools and pills to stop the gas, and pills to help her cholesterol, and pills to help her digest her food and pills to help her eyes and pills for every occassion know to man that I never heard of. I ask her why she takes pills to make her shit and pills to stop gas buildup, and pills to help her see (fish oil peels.) She said her doctor said she needed them. I told her I think her body is confused. It doesn’t know rather to shit or go blind. She said I wasn’t’ a doctor and to mind my own business. I would if it wasn’t costing me a fortune in Rx and toilet paper. It is absolutely amazing how one little woman can go thought so much tp. Rolls and rolls! Of course she does have a huge ass.
For Christmas, we did something different this year and it was fun. Everyone who came over had to bring three gifts totaling less that $100. One of the gifts had to be a “white elephant” gag gift. Then we all drew numbers to see who gets the first gift. The second person can either take an unopened present from the pile or take the one the person before you had opened. Then the number one person draws another present. It’s fun, believe me. When it came to be Dot’s turn she chose the biggest box on the floor simply because she wanted to have the biggest present. Appropriately, it was a gag gift that had a Sponge Bob Square Pants toilet seat and two towels rolled up to look like a butt with a tootsie roll sticking out. She was pissed, but tried not to show it. Amber’s boyfriend, Bob, felt sorry for her (he's a liberal, ya know) and took it on his turn. I ask her why she chose something so big when she wouldn’t be able to take it on the plane when she went home. She said I could mail it to her. I said why don’t I mail her, it’s cheaper than a ticket. She pretended not to hear me. She is also selectively deaf, too.
Oh! There are many more “conversations” we have had, but I think you get the drift. She loves me and thinks I’m funny. I’m not! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid. But she will be gone on Tuesday. Unfortunately Sweet Tea will, too. She will be in Murray Hill, NJ, for most of January. I do have another transport going to NJ and to NY on the 2nd, and I will stop and have lunch with ST, but Grannydot is out of my hair – till next Christmas. Pray for me!
MASTERPIECE #1889 - Édouard Joseph Dantan, French *Opera-Goers Trying To Find the Smartass With the Air Horn*, 1886 Oil on canvas
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