From My Secret Santa - Hot Damn

This year I joined a group of people (and maybe some dogs or something - yah never know) involved in a Secret Santa gift giving. Two awesome ladies, Amy and Georgie, are the instigators, uh, administrators of the effort, and it had to be an exhausting enterprise to say the least. Anyway, one of the requirements is to post about your gift when it arrives.

I don’t know who my Secret Santa is, but he, she or it really did the job right in my case.

Below are the THREE (3), gifts sent to me. Ain’t they purty?


These is the same gifts (did I say 3?) opened. They are freaking awesome.

The t-shirt says, “I’m not a Doctor, but I’ll take a look anyway.” Is that me or what? I’m always willing to do breast and pelvic exams. And I also keep a pretty sharp pocket knife in my pocket of any impromptu pap smears that need to be made.

And the Civil War book, “Campaigns of the Civil War - A Photographic History” is perfect as I am a huge fan of anything relating to the Campaign of Northern Aggression and the illegal trespassing of those Godless Yankees on our Southern Sacred Soil. And more important - it has pictures, my favorite form of reading (next to audio books.)

And there is a box of Anthony-Thomas’s Buckeyes, a peanut butter and Milk Chocolate candies that are officially licensed by The Ohio State University. So I guess not all Yankees are Godless.

And the beautiful card says on the outside, “Ho, Ho, Ho” - three of my favorite type ladies.

And the inside says, “Oh! Oh! Oh! Wishing you a Holiday Season filled with Faith, Hope and Love.”
And hand written “Merry Christmas from your favorite blogging buddy, Secret Santa!!”

Now is that cool or what.

So, who ever your are, I thank you very much. If you are a woman I’ll give you some, if you are a man I’ll buy you a cup of coffee or a cold beer, and if you are a dog or something, I’ll give you a huge hug and a belly rub.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Dot Will Leave - Yahoo

This is Dot, the love child of Jabba the Hut and the Wicked Witch of the West.

 

Just two more days and Grannydot will be gone. That’s good, but the best thing is, I’m not in jail. I try to be understanding and realize she is eighty three and all, but still…

She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And she is nutty as a fruitcake, too.

Take for instance the night we went to see J-Man in his first band concert. We stopped for fast food because of the time. She had never had Chic-Fillet chicken sandwich and didn’t know what to order. So she looked at the menu and chose the biggest meal they offer. Sweet Tea told me what she wanted and added a fried peach pie to order. GD had to have one, too. Okay! I can live with that – if she would eat everything she ordered. But you guessed it, she at the peach pie first. Then complained that she had heartburn and wanted a stick of gum to make it go away. Just like Diet Pepsi stops her throat from clogging up when she eats pepper.

Because of Friday night traffic we were running a little late, so I told her to just sit on the front row of the gym bleachers. Well! She’ll have me know that she can climb a few steps. “Dot,” I said, “there are no railings to hold on too.” She said she that I could help her up the steps. I told her I would help her alright. I would stick my finger up her ass and march her up the steps to the top tier on her tiptoes. She said, “You just try if, mister.” I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t do that to my finger. She ended up sitting in a chair on the gym floor. Fuck with me!

She takes pills. When she dies the pill company will have to lay off twenty people. She takes pills to thin her blood because of a triple by-pass she had. That is okay. Not a problem. But she takes pills to make her shit, and pills to soften her stools and pills to stop the gas, and pills to help her cholesterol, and pills to help her digest her food and pills to help her eyes and pills for every occassion know to man that I never heard of. I ask her why she takes pills to make her shit and pills to stop gas buildup, and pills to help her see (fish oil peels.) She said her doctor said she needed them. I told her I think her body is confused. It doesn’t know rather to shit or go blind. She said I wasn’t’ a doctor and to mind my own business. I would if it wasn’t costing me a fortune in Rx and toilet paper. It is absolutely amazing how one little woman can go thought so much tp. Rolls and rolls! Of course she does have a huge ass.

For Christmas, we did something different this year and it was fun. Everyone who came over had to bring three gifts totaling less that $100. One of the gifts had to be a “white elephant” gag gift. Then we all drew numbers to see who gets the first gift. The second person can either take an unopened present from the pile or take the one the person before you had opened. Then the number one person draws another present. It’s fun, believe me. When it came to be Dot’s turn she chose the biggest box on the floor simply because she wanted to have the biggest present. Appropriately, it was a gag gift that had a Sponge Bob Square Pants toilet seat and two towels rolled up to look like a butt with a tootsie roll sticking out. She was pissed, but tried not to show it. Amber’s boyfriend, Bob, felt sorry for her (he's a liberal, ya know) and took it on his turn. I ask her why she chose something so big when she wouldn’t be able to take it on the plane when she went home. She said I could mail it to her. I said why don’t I mail her, it’s cheaper than a ticket. She pretended not to hear me. She is also selectively deaf, too.

Oh! There are many more “conversations” we have had, but I think you get the drift. She loves me and thinks I’m funny. I’m not! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid. But she will be gone on Tuesday. Unfortunately Sweet Tea will, too. She will be in Murray Hill, NJ, for most of January. I do have another transport going to NJ and to NY on the 2nd, and I will stop and have lunch with ST, but Grannydot is out of my hair – till next Christmas. Pray for me!