My Tattoo

I don't have a tattoo, yet. But a friend sent this one to me, and I can see me having this one done. NOT!

 

It's almost nasty, isn't it?

We All Have Our Days

That last post reminded me of a heartwarming story of a man who called home one day from work and his Mexican house keeper answered the phone in her broken English.

“Ola!” she said.

“Let me speak to my wife.” The man said.

“Uh! I’m sorry, Senior. She up on second floor with mailman.”

“WHAT? Why the sluttish whore. Listen, go in my desk drawer, get my gun and shoot both the bastards.”

“But, Senior, I cannot do that. I could get into trouble.”

“Listen you wetback illegal whore, if you don’t do it I am calling Immigration and having you and your whole family deported back to Mexico by night fall.”

“Yes, sir! I will try.”

“Try my ass. Get my gun and shoot both of them, NOW. I’ll wait on the phone until you do it and then I’ll tell you what to do with the gun and who to call.”

“Yes, sir!” And she lays the phone down. A few minuets later he hears a couple of gun shots. Then a pause and two more shots that sounded closer. Then she came back on the phone and said, “It is done.”

"Tell me! Tell me the whole thing. Uh! Why were there two shots so close to the phone?”

“Well, they were in bed and I shot the misses first. But he gringo, he slipped by me and run down steps. I chase him out the patio door and shot him. He fell into the pool.”

“POOL?? What Pool? Is this 555-1253?”

Spanish For Your Nanny

Be careful what you ask for!

Bumper Stickers For The Aged

A friend sent me an email with a few bumper stickers from a web site called pccaregivers.com. Nekked Lizard Man also mentioned in a comment somewhere that he should get into the bumper sticker business. Well, NLM, here are a few bumper stickers to help you get started. That is, if you want to take advantage of us infirmed and aged.

I ask my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs.
She said Depends!

I’m so old...
I don’t buy green bananas.

Good by Tension! Hello Pension!

When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.
Now, I don’t care about the W.

I’m Retired!
I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

I’m in the initial stages of my golden years.
SS, CD’s, IRS’s, AARP…

Sometimes I pee when I laugh!

I was at the beauty shop for nearly two hours,
And that was only for the estimate.

You know you are getting old when…
You throw a wild party and the neighbors didn’t realize it.

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly…
Eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

I must be getting older…
All the names in my phonebook end with MD

I’m not old.
I’m chronologically gifted.

FLORIDA!
God’s waiting room.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

At my age… Flowers scare me!

I’m so old… when I eat out,
They ask for the money up front.

I’m so old… all my friends in Heaven
Will think I didn’t make it.

It ain’t the age, it’s the damn mileage.

Support Bingo!
Keep Grandma off the streets.

When did my wild oats…
Turn into prunes and brand?

Old Age comes at a very bad time.

You know you are getting old when…
Happy Hour is a NAP!

Retirement!
Twice the husband; half the money.

It’s not that I am afraid to die…
I just don’t want to be around when it happens.

Men and Womens Brains

This will explain a great deal about the two different brain thought patterns of men and women.



Any thoughts on the subject?

I'm Off Again

I’m off again. This time I am leaving tonight for two locations in upper New York. I am delivering a load of puppies to the booming metropolis of Niskayuna, NY and a few dogs to the sister metropolis of Menands, NY. It is, according to MapQuest, a 16 hour drive to Niskayuna and a twenty-three minuets to Menands.

From there I am going to Murry Hill, NJ, (another three hours) to spend the night with Sweet Tea. She will be driving back with me on Saturday. Poor thing! She will be home until Valentines Day (I hope,) when she will be leaving for Paris, France, or a couple of weeks for training on a new system.

We live in a huge house (I’ll show you pictures one day) that echoes a lot. I’m not one of those men who NEEDS to have a woman to be around. I do my own laundry (even when she is here) and I clean the house pretty much without being asked (TOLD.) I can fix something to eat, although I don’t cook any serious shit. But it seems more complete when she is here yelling at me.

Oh, well! Such is the life of a professional working with an international company. I’m proud of her and her accomplishments, but I also like to scrooch up to her at night, too.

In the meantime, I will transport the dogs and puppies to far and exotic locations, and try to keep the peeing down to a manageable few hours between stops.

See y’all when I get back on Saturday night. TaTa!

I'm The Man and She's The Woman

Thanks to gawilli for sending this to me. It has been around for some time, but it is closer to the truth of Sweet Tea and me.



Now you know the real truth.

But there is another side, too. How about the woman? Well, let's see:



Now chose your side.

Retirement Reminders

I received this in my email today and, with minor adjustments that are obvious, I am sending it to you for your Monday chuckle. Or to piss you off. Depending on which sex you are.

Subject: RETIREMENT REMINDERS

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Coffeypot. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sweet Tea. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Sweet Tea to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sweet Tea. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy, though. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Coffeypot

EDITOR'S NOTE: Coffeypot died suddenly on January 21st. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sweet Tea was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.

Our New Government Seal

UPDATE: I sent this out to some non-blogging friends and Sweet Tea via email. Sweet Tea sent me back a message saying she felt soooo 'tupid. She couldn't figure how a children’s wading pool had anything to do with the government. Then it hit her. In her defense, folks, it has been a long time...

Official Announcement:

The New Official Government Seal


The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!



Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than this.

I Ain't Petty Necked Anymore

One of my many admirers, whose numbers can be counted on one hand, emailed this to me. It is soooo me. So, if you can keep your food down, here it is. Again, I’m not good enough to link to this so you will have to cut and paste. But it is worth it.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071221/MULTIMEDIA/283841756

Thanks, Tina!

Another Year Has Passed But I Haven't Yet

The years are really flying by now. I can feel it, too. This is a poem sent to me that might help you to understand me more than any meme's could. Enjoy!


Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things that come to mind
Just makes me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to friends homes
For baseball games and lunches,

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers
From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags;
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you get too old!!

Whopper Freak-out In The 'Hood

This is the Whopper Freak-out happily brought to you by Wendy's.

Grannydot Is Finally Happy

EDIT: Sweet Tea was having a slow moment at work today and sent me this email. She thinks I am on withdrawel after two months of GrannyDot.

Hi,
Since you are "playing" on the computer, I just thought I would mention that I need a nap…. I am tired, and ready for hibernation. It says on the news on Sunday it will be a high of 20 degrees. BRRR!!! Just thought I would drop a short note to let you know I am tired….

And to make you feel better because I know you missed this:

Could you go to Rite Aid and by me some gas X because the other stores brands aren't the same. And can you go to Wal-Mart and get me some pepsid AC for my heart burn. And then can you go to Kroger's to pick up some fiber substitute to help me go to the bathroom.. And can you go to the nature health store to get me some medicine for my gas. On the way back can you go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions filled. Also I need some yogurt and some ice cream and some candy.

Also I am almost out of toilet paper in the bathroom because the package of 12 you bought yesterday is gone….

Do you feel better now???

ILU

 

Grannydot is as happy as a pig in shit. She has cancer. Normally that is not something I would see as being funny, but we are talking about Dot, the epitome of hypochondriac symptoms.

Just before she came down to spend November and December with us; she had a spot on her right cheek removed. If you look real close on the picture you will see a red spot just under her right eye and to the side of her nose. This is after almost two months of healing. There was an ugly hole there when she first came down that she doctored and covered up with Band-Aids (every hour.) She would ask me if it looked bad. Me! She would ask me. I would tell her that until people started puking and little kids started running away screaming, not to worry about it. Anyway, when she returned home there was a message for her to come into the doctor’s office. That is when she learned of the cancer.

Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey for the month of January, stopped by to visit her and she said Grannydot was almost happy. She actually has a problem that is not in her head and she can brag to the other people in her building about her affliction. I think she has even forgotten about the Restless Leg Syndrome she said she had after seeing it on television one night. I know her Diverticulitis went away as soon as she discovered McDonalds put nuts in their yogurt – which she can eat now, along with her nightly bowl of ice-cream, since her Lactose Intolerance maliciously (her term, not mine) cleared up after they prayed for her in church.

She told Sweet Tea, “You remember how my nose would bleed when I blew it? It was on the other side of the cancer spot, but I think the cancer has spread behind my nose to the left side, and is in my nose now.” It didn’t matter that the air was probably too dry in the house, and the heat was up so much it would dry a wet-wipe into brittleness in two minuets. She asked me, again, silly woman, how she could stop her nose from bleeding every time she blew it. I told her to quit blowing it. Have you ever seen an 83 year old squatty body woman shoot someone a bird? I don’t know if her hand was shaking from her laughing, being mad at me, an orgasm or palsy, but it was funny.

But she is having a ball calling everyone and telling them that she is going to have to go back in and have the spot cut on again. There is another small spot that they think they missed from the last surgery. Not spreading, but just missed. She even told Uncle Sherm that shy might have to have her nose cut off.

She gets so mad when someone questions her about her problems and the amount of medications she takes. So now she actually has something to show them and she is beside herself. I think she should celebrate with a bowl of butter-pecan ice-cream, don’t you?

Ponderings and Comments

My bloging buddy, Nekked Lizard Man, posted some ponderings that keep him awake at night. I found a few more that should really keep him snoozingly impaired. Plus a few good comments, too. So, here ‘tis:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

ALSO

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't drink and drive; you might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. [Kermit the Frog]

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

GUN CONTROL: using both hands!

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

MEME of 4's

I was tagged by Mary Stebbins Taitt over at No Polar Coordinates to do this meme. It is a List of fours.

1) 4 Jobs you have had:
1. Coca Cola Route Salesman/Sales Manager
2. Route Salesman selling Draft Beer.
3. Line Production Supervisor in Blow Mold Plastic Industry.
4. Financial Analyst.

2) 4 Jobs you would like to have had:
1. Lawyer.
2. FBI or CIA Agent
3. Professional Hit Man for the Mafia or the Government or the IRS.
4. Quality Control Inspector in a Whore House.

3) 4 Places I have lived:
1. Atlanta, Georgia
2. Long Beach, California
3. Smyrna/Marietta, Georgia
4. In my own dream world.
4) 4 Places I have been on vacation:
1. The Orlando tourist trap area.
2. Charleston, SC
3. Savannah, GA
4. All over the Caribbean.

5) 4 Places I would like to be now instead of here:
1. At sea on a cruse with Sweet Tea and the grandkids.
2. Japan
3. In the quality control room at the Whore House.
4. Where ever my mind takes me.

6) 4 Favorite foods:
1. Hamburgers
2. Spring Salads with grilled chicken breast.
3. Mexican.
4. Steaks.

7) 4 Things I like to do?
1. Read.
2. Do Crossword Puzzles
3. Beat the wife.
4. Get Christmas Cards from the Emergency Room personnel where I go for treatment after I beat the wife. She doesn’t go for it much.

4 People who might or might not respond in kind.
George Bush, Dali Lama, O.J. Simpson, Dr. Phill

God Laughs Too

 

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast.

 

When a Jew is on the swim team.

 

 

I See

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend with the boys and spent most of his paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

What's In A Name

I got this from Teri over at Family Tree Junkie.

What John Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Then, again, there is this one:

What Coffeypot Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Which one is more me?

For the Want of a Few Good Laughs

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!”
___

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"
____

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
___

STRENGTH EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

It just might work for some others too!

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy; I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potatoe sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

If Abbott and Costello Were Here Now

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business…what do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's jus t say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later....

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START!”

It would have had more meaning if Abbott had an accent from India.

Another Me Me For You You

I have been tagged to do this meme. I am suppose to link to the person(s) that tagged me, but I don’t know how to link, yet, so I’ll just say that Special K tagged me. Thank you, sweetie!

Post the rules on your blog.

Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I cannot just sit and watch TV. I have to be doing something else like working a crossword puzzle or reading or jacking off or doodling on a TV Guide or blogging.

2. When I’m on a transport I listen to audio books.

3. I hated high school and wasn’t too fond of college, either, though I did enjoy working on my MBA.

4. I suffer with clinical depression. Nothing drastic! It’s more like what’s the use in doing this or that. And I have a problem with believing people actually like me. I guess I’ve been the recipient of too many back-stabbings and lack of loyalty to believe anything else.

5. And despite the above, I love to laugh and hear people laugh. And absolutely nothing is too sacred to not be made fun of or joked about. Including me! And I have found some of the funniest people I have ever read on this blog. You people are funnier than paid professionals and I enjoy your company.

6. I want to go back to Japan and Hong Kong to see the stuff I couldn’t afford to see as a sailor.

7. I’m the worlds oldest male lesbian. So much so that I have to garble with Drano to get the hair clog out of my throat.

That’s it for now. I'm suppose to tag 7 of you, but fuck it. The chain stops here. I won’t tag anyone else. But if you would like to volunteer, be my guest.

I love reading about you people. Your lives, the good and the bad, and you are all so interesting. I’ve laughed out loud; had a tear roll down my cheek; and I have had the desire to hug some of you.

TTFN!

CLINTON vs PROSPERITY

NOTHING ELSE NEEDS TO BE SAID

 

July Andrews Ain't Old

I got this in an email and I thought you might like to see it. It seems to be more about women, but I can relate to a bunch of this stuff.

Julie Andrews - It takes a good sense of humor to grow old.....

It wouldn't be funny if it wasn’t so true... Julie Andrews turned 69.
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.