Beer Turns Men Into Women

This is alarming and scary stuff!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that’s right.  FEMALE hormones!

Last month Montreal University scientist released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

 

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer men turn into women.

 

To test the theory 100 men each drank 10 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men –

1) Argued over nothing

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn‘t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down to pee.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Hell, if I drink 1 & ½ beers I get cranky and bitchy… and horny!

Paraprosdokians

TEN PARAPROSDOKIANS TO TICKLE YOUR BRAIN

Where there is a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright – until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

I didn’t say it was your fault.  I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify…” I put “Doctor!”

 

There are hundreds, maybe thousands more.  Go for it.

 

The Victory of Annie Glenn

The Victory of Annie Glenn, Wife of John Glenn.

Annie Glenn

For half a century, the world has applauded John Glenn as a heart-stirring American hero.  He lifted the nation's spirits when, as one of the original Mercury 7 astronauts, he was blasted alone into orbit around the Earth; the enduring affection for him is so powerful that even now people find themselves misting up at the sight of his face or the sound of his voice.
 
But for all these years, Glenn has had a hero of his own, someone who he has seen display endless courage of a different kind:
They have been married for 71 years.
He is 93; she will turn 95 on February 17th.
 
Soon there will news coverage of the 53rd anniversary of Glenn's flight into orbit.  We are being reminded that, over half a century down the line, he remains America’s unforgettable hero.
 
He has never really bought that.
 
Because the heroism he most cherishes is of a sort that is seldom cheered.  It belongs to the person he has known longer than he has known anyone else in the world.
 
John Glenn and Annie Castor first knew each other when -- literally -- they shared a playpen.
 
In New Concord, Ohio, his parents and hers were friends. When the families got together, their children played.
 
John -- the future Marine fighter pilot, the future test-pilot ace, the future astronaut -- was pure gold from the start. He would end up having what it took to rise to the absolute pinnacle of American regard during the space race; imagine what it meant to be the young John Glenn in the small confines of New Concord.
 
Three-sport varsity athlete, most admired boy in town, Mr. Everything.
 
Annie Castor was bright, was caring, was talented, and was generous of spirit.  But she could talk only with the most excruciating of difficulty.  It haunted her.
 
Her stuttering was so severe that it was categorized as an "85%" disability -- 85% of the time, she could not manage to make words come out.
 
When she tried to recite a poem in elementary school, she was laughed at.  She was not able to speak on the telephone.  She could not have a regular conversation with a friend.
 
And John Glenn loved her.
 
Even as a boy he was wise enough to understand that people who could not see past her stutter were missing out on knowing a rare and wonderful girl.

They married on April 6, 1943.  As a military wife, she found that life as she and John moved around the country could be quite hurtful.  She has written: "I can remember some very painful experiences -- especially the ridicule."

 
In department stores, she would wander unfamiliar aisles trying to find the right section, embarrassed to attempt to ask the salesclerks for help.  In taxis, she would have to write requests to the driver, because she couldn't speak the destination out loud. In restaurants, she would point to the items on the menu.
 
A fine musician, Annie, in every community where she and John moved, would play the organ in church as a way to make new friends.  She and John had two children; she has written: "Can you imagine living in the modern world and being afraid to use the telephone?  'Hello' used to be so hard for me to say.  I worried that my children would be injured and need a doctor.  Could I somehow find the words to get the information across on the phone?"
 
John, as a Marine aviator, flew 59 combat missions in World War II and 90 during the Korean War.  Every time he was deployed, he and Annie said goodbye the same way. His last words to her before leaving were:
 
"I'm just going down to the corner store to get a pack of gum."
 
And, with just the two of them there, she was able to always reply: "Don't be long."
 
On that February day in 1962 when the world held its breath and the Atlas rocket was about to propel him toward space, those were their words, once again.

And in 1998, when, at 77, he went back to space aboard the shuttle Discovery, it was an understandably tense time for them.  What if something happened to end their life together?

She knew what he would say to her before boarding the shuttle. He did -- and this time he gave her a present to hold onto:
 
A pack of gum.
 
She carried it in a pocket next to her heart until he was safely home.
 
Many times in her life she attempted various treatments to cure her stutter.  None worked.
 
But in 1973, she found a doctor in Virginia who ran an intensive program she and John hoped would help her.  She traveled there to enroll and to give it her best effort.  The miracle she and John had always waited for at last, as miracles will do, arrived.  At age 53, she was able to talk fluidly, and not in brief, anxiety-ridden, agonizing bursts.
 
John has said that on the first day he heard her speak to him with confidence and clarity, he dropped to his knees to offer a prayer of gratitude.
 
He has written: "I saw Annie's perseverance and strength through the years and it just made me admire her and love her even more."  He has heard roaring ovations in countries around the globe for his own valor, but his awe is reserved for Annie, and what she accomplished: "I don't know if I would have had the courage."
 
Her voice is so clear and steady now that she regularly gives public talks.  If you are lucky enough to know the Glenn’s, the sight and sound of them bantering and joking with each other and playfully finishing each others sentences is something that warms you and makes you thankful just to be in the same room.
 
February 20th will be the 53^rd anniversary of the Mercury space shot, and once again people will remember, and will speak of the heroism of Glenn the astronaut.
 
But if you ever find yourself at an event where the Glenn’s are appearing, and you want to see someone so brimming with pride and love that you may feel your own tears start to well up, wait until the moment that Annie stands to say a few words to the audience.
 
And as she begins, take a look at her husband's eyes.

Ponder This

Ever ponder?  Ever wonder?  Ever question?

Yeah, me either. 

But some do, and for those of you who do, here are a few to ponder, wonder and/or question:

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad.