J-Man Is Growing Up To Be Like Me

 

My grandson, J-Man, is growing up; but not just growing, but taking after his Paw Paw (me). We were heading to the North Georgia Fair last Friday and he ask me, “Paw Paw (that’s me, ya know) you know what’s 40 feet long and smells like pee?”

“A safety rope in a water treatment plant.” I answer.

“Huh?”

“Never mind! What’s 40 feet long and smells like pee?”

“A line-dance in the old folks home.”

It’s really hard to drive with tears in your eyes and laughing so hard you have trouble keeping the car on the road. I’m so proud of him. But knowing me and his mom and dad, he didn’t stand a chance of being serious. It’s in his jeans. And I think the horns on his head are very appropriate, too.

Thank You, Maxine

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.
BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

 

WELL, SHIT!!!

That's How The Fight Started

My blogging friend, Mr Guinness, emailed this to me and I thought it too good not to pass along to my peeps.

1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started....

2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.

3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. And that's how the fight started.....

4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started.....

5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.....

6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started.....

An Auspicious Day

I’m sure you people in Ohio are celebrating, and the Banks and the Post Office are closed in honor of this auspicious occasion. Today is September 26, Johnny Appleseed’s 163rd birthday. In remembrance of Mr. Appleseed’s special day, here is a few tidbits about the man of apples.

His real name was John Chapman, and he didn’t just wander the country randomly spreading apple sees. He planted carefully-designed nurseries, primarily in Ohio, and even returned to care for the trees. When he died in 1845 at the age of 70, his 1,200-acre estate was worth millions.

Of course we all know about Eve and the apple. Ever since that day, according to Nan Robertson, there has been a misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts. And the old saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” appears to really be true. Apples are rich in Vitamin C and antioxidants, which are good for your immune system and your heart. They contain PHENOLS, which can help to lower your cholesterol. And apples are loaded with fiber, which is an important factor for colon health.

And Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple Computers, worked on a farm commune picking apples one summer in his youth. He was also a Beatles fan, so when it came time to name his new company, the name Apple immediately came to mind.

There are many more antidotes and stories concerning the apple, and my man, Johnny A, helped get the delicious fruit started in the USofA – in Ohio. Brother Dave, the Ohio Deserter, and E. Craig, the Dayton Demon, will not be able to respond because they are out celebrating the day by downing copious amounts of Apple Cider or Boons Farm Apple Wine. Enjoy, boys. Happy Birthday, Johnny.

Thirty things a Southern Boy would NEVER Say

 

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have Wine Cooler.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: drive.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate.

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Sad Statistic

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

9,000 people are screwing right now,
2,000 are kissing.
100 are getting head, and
1 lonely fucker is reading blogs.

Pray for me!

Dog Rules

Again I am copying from on of my blogger friends again - Nekked Lizzard. But I only copy the very best and post them to a new mess of peeps. You have my permission to pass along anything you see here, too.

Dog Rules
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period!
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he’s got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I’m now sleeping. That’s just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as “primary resident,” even if it’s true.

Thanks, Randy!

Did'ja know...

And from my friend Mary:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cunference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Good TV; Good Music

The Andy Griffith Show was some mighty good tv, folks. One of the cast of characters in Mayberry was The Darlings. The group's real name is really The Dillards. Below is one if my favorite songs from the show. The Dillards are still playing - minus Charlene (Maggie Peterson.) I have posted the same song from the show and now.

This was then:


This is now:


Fun and pretty, huh?

I guess we have all aged, too? Huh?

Marvin (The Hidden Psyche Of Coffeypot)

Meet Marvin (Coffeypot) the male answer to Maxine.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None! It should be opened when she brings it.
--------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
--------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
--------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
--------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

DONT STOP NOW!
I have posted three or four down below. I usually don't post more that one a day, but I will be gone on my dog run till Saturday afternoon, so this will have to hold you till then. READ ON, PEEPS

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Then The Fight Started

A woman was standing nude, looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband "I feel horrible.
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

Her husband replied "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



And then the fight started. . . .

I copied this from Scarlet. Sorry! I had too.

I'm off on my monthly dog run tonight. I will take my laptop along so keep the stuff comming.

Sign Posted At The Golf Club

 

Sign Posted At The Local Golf Club

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good! Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

The Sneeze

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, but the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice you sneeze, wipe your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

She replied, 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition, whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before', he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

Warning From Pakistan

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers, and possible candidates for President of the United States.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly?

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns and Other Stuff

 

Dear Coffeypot: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom having sex with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in- take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps. – Coffeypot.

*********

 

In another bit of news, I am on my way to Charleston, SC, for my Navy Reunion and I won't be back home till Sunday afternoon. I'll be taking my laptop, but you know how it is when the Navy hits town. Especial the guys I served with. We'll drink a couple of beers, tell a lie or two and then go to the room and fall asleep.

I can't do that shit anymore.

The above picture is some guys who served in the 60's, including some survivors from the sinking. I am on the second row, third from left. My pal, Quartermaster Chuck is on the top row on the left, and my good friend Chief Earl is two over from Chuck. Now you know why we don't paint the town red anymore. We can't even color with crowns and stay inside the lines anymore. We are over the hill, I tell ya. Okay! It's just me. They will be partying all night. I'll yell at them to keep it down, but they won't hear me.

See y'all later.

Almost True Story

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned t o the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts!

Just To Let You Know

I haven’t felt good lately. I got a new PCP and went in to meet him and see if he needed any new test for me. You see, I have been having chest pains and a sore arm for about three months now. Nothing serious, just like a pin prick in my chest and a slight pain in my left arm. The EGK showed some slight problem on the right side of my heart, so he sent me to a Cardiologist. He agreed that there was a slight problem, but he wasn’t too concerned right now. I’m glad he isn’t concerned because I am concerned enough for both of us and there is no use in him being upset. After all, it isn’t his heart.

Next week Sweet Tea (I think I am going to call her by her name, Judy, from now on. The handle fits, but she is Judy to me.) and I are going to Charleston, SC, next week for my Navy reunion. So I will enjoy the fellowship of some true heroes and swap a few lies as sailors tend to do. But the following week I will start my heart test.

I am scheduled to have a Nuclear Stress Test. Umm! I guess that is a test where they put a virtual visor over my head and set off a nuclear explosion with full sound. I then imagine they check to see if you shit your pants or have a hard-on. I’m not sure how I will react, but to be safe I will be wearing a pair of Depends.

I am also trying to pass a kidney stone. This little bastard is beginning to get the best of me. It is stuck on the lower left side and is in a location where nothing can be done. I have had lithotripsy twice before to get rid of stones. One on each side but several months apart. What they do is put pads on the body, one in front and one in back and send sound wave pulses though the body that burst up the stone. It is painless, but does leave a red spot or burses. They can’t do it with this one because the stone is in front of my pelvis and the echo impulses cannot go through. So I have to wait it out.

It is difficult to stand straight up. It is like someone has put an ice-pick in my gut. I have been in bad pain for the last two days, although the stone has been stuck for over a week. Yesterday I could only walk a half a mile to my normal three miles at the track. The pain cause me to walk differently and thus caused my legs hurt. So I decided after the first lap that I was beautifully fit enough for one day, so I went home early. Today I made two miles before I quit. I’ll do my three miles tomorrow or die trying - or maybe not.

Anyways, I feel like shit. But there are those of you out there that are suffering a lot more than I am. My friend, Jim Latchford for example. He is recovering from bypass surgery and is having a bit of a time of it. I read about others of you that are not in the best of shape, so I could be worse off. So I’ll stop complaining now.

Finally – I hope!

 

After 14 years, OJ (Obscene Jerk) may get what's coming to him.

His trial for robbery and kidnapping starts today in Las Vegas, and, if he is convicted, could be sent to life in prison. If there is a God – and no Liberals in Las Vegas – he will finally get what’s coming to him. It's just a shame it wont be the needle.

Even today he is the poster child for the miscarriage of justice. Maybe this time his prosecutors will concentrate on the evidence and the pursuit of justice instead of climbing all over each other like two gerbils in heat as the first two prosecutors did.

We’ll see!

It Wasn't Me

I often send out emails with the stuff I post so that my non-blogging friends can get a glimpse into my life and all the weird things that I come across. After sending out a copy of my last post I received an email back from one of my lady friends. She described an incident she had at the post office. But before you read it, I have to tell you, IT WASN’T ME standing behind her. I never go to the post office.


I was in a horribly long line at the post office and a man walked in behind me.

I heard him making weird noises.
At first I thought he was huffing and puffing because he was impatient. I turned slightly and saw him reach down grab the front of his shorts -- and I realized that he had two big wet spots in the crotch area.

Now I just turned away - but he kept making noises and I was very uncomfortable and wondered if anyone else noticed him.

There was a very pretty girl about two people ahead of me - and I was suspicious that she was the object of his ...uh... whatever.

Or else, he had to go potty really really badly and didn't have the common sense to get out of line and go find a public toilet.

I'm sorry that I have no more to tell you -- because I refused to turn around again.

What’s really sick about this story is that he didn’t wash his hands before he went to lunch.

Another Reason Why I Can't Go Back To The Doctor

As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical establishment.

For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Another Reason Why I Can't Go Back To Church

Can You Relate

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba--- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

Coyote Problem

How Ironic ..

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a ‘more humane’ solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and released. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old rancher in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem.

Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'..."