Men and Womens Prayers

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

I'm Boiled Peanuts - Sept 27th

Here is a fun one to try. What's Your Southern Sign?

Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. However, if we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand. See the list below:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.
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CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful - they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
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BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
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MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
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POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.
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CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
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COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good socia l work ers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
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CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
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GRI TS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
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BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
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BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
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ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat interesting mating possibility.

Hippie Chick

Ever wonder what happened to those cute and crazy hippie girls that did drugs in the 60's?

 

I believe I use to date her in Long Beach back in the Navy days. She looks like a 'Pike Chick.' You have to have been in Long Beach to undersand that one.

However she wasn't a friend.

Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.

Sayings

My sister, Stephen, sent this to me. It is a collection of sayings on plaques that can be hung on a wall or placed on a desk. Some of them hit pretty close to home for me.

I just wanted you to know that I have entered the Snap Dragon phase of my life.
Part of me has snapped and the rest of me is dragging.

I don’t Skinny Dip;
I Chunky Dunk!

I only have a kitchen
because it came with the house.

I’m not 60 something;
I’m $54.95 plus shipping and handling.

I don’t have hot flashes;
I have Short, Private Vacations in the Tropics.

A balance diet is…
Chocolate in both hands.

Born Free!
Now I’m Expensive!

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The aroma in the air tells them she is expecting a suitor.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, panting and slobbering on themselves hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

 

Liver alone; cheese mine.

A Hunting Story of E.Craig

Our friend e.craig is an avid hunter. He decided to add a black bear to his stuffed animal collection, so he researched the area that would give the best chances. He then went out, properly outfitted with an elephant gun and in short order found the perfect black bear. He aimed, fired... and missed the black bear by mere inches. The bear then cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed. However, I haven't been getting any lately, so I offer you this choice: either I pound you to pieces right here and now, or you let me have my way with you. Your choice!" Since e.craig did not desire being forcibly scattered all over the forest floor, he acquiesced.

Two hours later, he used every last remaining bit of his strength to crawl back to his trusty truck for a long sloppy drive home, all the while plotting the methods of revenge against this black bear.

He decided the weapon of choice this time was a bazooka. "To hell with the trophy.” he said, "This sucker's TOAST." He trained with the weapon for a month to assure inside-outside knowledge of its capabilities. Once he felt he was ready, e.craig went back out in pursuit of his furry black foe.

It wasn't long before he found the bear; he picked up the bazooka and had the bear in dead aim. Right at the precise moment he pulled the trigger, a large mosquito landed on his aiming arm and bit, causing e.craig to blast a 10-foot wide crater 20 feet to the right of the black bear. Whereupon the black bear cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed, and you must be one hell of a lousy shot. However, my odds haven't improved much and at the same time I am very hungry. So, either I eat you - bones and all, or you 'let me'. Again, your choice!" As hellish as e.craig’s last experience was, he wished not to be eaten alive; again, he acquiesced.

Three hours later, it took everything e.craig had to get back to his trusty truck and attempted to drive home safely, during which he rethought his plan of attack.

E.craig’s new weapon of choice was an AK-47, logic being that if he doesn't get the first shot, there will be many others right behind it. A month of hard work and training later, e.craig felt he was ready to try again to eliminate the black bear.

Not too far in the woods, he sees the black bear, along with 2 brown bears, consuming the latest capture. "No witnesses on this one", e.craig cockily says as he picks up the '47 to aim. Unfortunately, this weight shift caused a twig to break loudly under his left foot; all three bears' heads lift and spin in e.craig's direction. E.craig, petrified, could not get off one shot as all three bears cut a wide circle and tackle him. The black bear is on e.craigs back and the brown bears land on each side, effectively trapping him. All three bears huskily whisper, in perfect unison:

"You don't come here for the hunting... DO you, e.craig?"

Lost In Translation

At least he is learning English.

Baby Boomers

Did I post this before? I can't remember!

Just One Day

One day, a long, long time ago.......

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End

Bendy Lady

Is it just me? Doesn't this look creepy? But then again, I bet she is loads of kinky fun on a date.

However, I heard that when she is drunk she is as stiff as a board.

Htilery On Gun Control

Hillary Clinton, the questionable lead Presidential Democrat Party candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by those who have dealt with her as more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Florida, she asked the kids and the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably little Coffeypot) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet: 'Well stop clapping, ya stupid bitch!'

Senior Citizens; We Are Where It's At

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

We do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?

"Our father's God to thee, Author of liberty, To Thee we sing. Long may our land be bright, With freedom's Holy light. Protect us by Thy might, Great God our King."

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party … even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps - with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over....
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers,
loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe, secure, place… somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and since when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

How can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts but I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my
life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!

Have I already sent it to you???
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)
What? This is an email, isn’t it?

NJ or Bust

I am on the road again heading for Lindenwold and Pompton Lakes New Jersey with a load of puppies and adult dogs. I won't be back until Wednesday afternoon, so y'all be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do - which leaves the door pretty much open all the way.

I'll leave you with this little ditty:

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

I haven't Shot My Wad Yet E.Craig

After a short stay in America,
Michelangelo's "David" returned to Europe........

 

And for those of you who have headaches from slapping your forehead, I encourage you to take a dose of this…

 

Thursday Humor

 

ALSO:

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live.'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have every thing figured out I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

And Thanks To Mary:

A man is walking by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the man, says: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the man, 'really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.'

'I noticed a bible in your pocket.' said the journalist.

'Yes, I'm a Christian and was on my way to a bible study.' the man replies.

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page.'

The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

'Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His lunch.'