REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

I was reading my daughter, Marni's, blog about her encounter with road rage and I got to thinking (and I don't do that very often because of the headaches) that there are people out there who will be visiting the South or, worse yet, moving down here. So to make your visit, or your damn move, easier I am posting some tidbits about Southern manners. I’ll entertain answers to your questions after you finish. I may not answer them, but I will certainly entertain them.

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out:
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Weddings:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Stuttering

I borrowed (stole) this from Turckindog’s site. I had to share it with my peeps.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and, before I knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard.”
“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went Ffff, Ffff, Ffff, Ffff… and before he could say ‘Fuck,’ the Rottweiler ate him.”

Say What??

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make a low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ’So, what you're telling me, is... you're NOT my flight instructor?????

ALABAMA IS ON ALERT

 

This news just in: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

My Philosophy

We all have our own philosophy toward life. This is pretty close to mine. It is pretty accurate, too.

Grandparents

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from the papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go there. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth. He teaches me good things but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him.

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

Customer Service

 

I become confused when I hear these terms which reference the word 'service’:

Internal Revenue ‘Service’

Telephone ‘Service’

Internet ‘Service’

T.V. ‘Service’

Civil ‘Service’

City & County Public ‘Service’

Customer ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.

Or This

The Genius Of Paul Hunt

I copied this from my new bolg friend TRAILBOSS and it absolutely puts serious gymnast to same. Go to YouTube and watch all his performances. He is 5'1" and 140 lbs. of pure ability and humor.

SEE!

LAS VEGAS and THE CHURCH

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS

 

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS
ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

More Random Musings For Tuesday

This is in honor of all your parents. Dixie made me think of it.

 

This is for all you who brush your teeth.

 

And this one is for all you folks who missed out me showing you my balls. This was in 1948 and, unfortunately, they are about the same size again.

 

Tuesday Humor - or Not

Speaks for itself!

 

There is a dick head in the pool.

 

My new dog.

 

And from my friend, Mary:
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

Medical Alert From The CDC - Be Aware

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Don’t forget to check out the sayings of Will Rogers below. The man knew how to say IT.

Words Of Wisdom From My Main Man, Will

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest sage this country has ever known. His sayings, muses and comments are too many to post here, so enjoy the following selections:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading; the few who learn by observation and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:

When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

5. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

6. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

9. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

11. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Greetings From Another Place

I’m sitting here on a bed in my boxers (steady girls) at the Tavelodge in Winchester, VA. This is my first post away from home on my new laptop. I took Mary Taitt’s advice and picked up one so I could still blog when I am transporting the dogs for Dr. Amber.

I left home at 6:00 PM yesterday and drove the 60 miles to Jefferson, GA (home of Jefferson Speedway and Road Atlanta) to pick up the little dudes and dudetts. This time I had 4 poodle puppies, two terrier puppies and 6 adult and 10 mixed breed puppies. Small load this time.

But I have driven 1,533 miles since leaving home. I have about 450 more miles left to go to tomorrow. But there is a full moon and going over the mountains at the Yadkin Gap in North Carolina and Virginia makes for some pretty viewing.

But, needless to say, I am tired, so BYE!

Career Options

After my retirement I became board sitting around the house, so I started looking into a career change.
I considered going into the medical profession.

 

Then I considered working for the Government as a spin master.

 

I even considered being a chef.

 

I settled, instead for being a Blogger. The pay isn’t that good, but the harassment I receive is worth it.

General Stuff

This is RWA doing his 'Door Checking' at the bar.

 

This is me as a kid.

 

I've Found Inner Peace

My Blogging Firend, Tookie Tail, posted this and I though I would share it with my peeps, too. But read quietly because I didn't tell her I was steeling it and she might hear you if you read out loud. Shuuuuu!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I have finally found inner peace.

A friend proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr piss.

Cake Time

I saw this and it made me think of my new blog buddy, Moooooo35.

 

Would you like a cake like this for your birthday?

Tuesday Humor

My brother, Sister Stephen, e-mailed these to me and I just know you want to see them. Especially if you fly often.

Airline Announcements:
* United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

* On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

* 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

* As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

* After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

* 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

* 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

* Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

* After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

* Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

* Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

* A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

A Little Sunday Humor

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

 

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff - keep up the good work!!!

Overheard in a Socialized Medicine Hospital
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes t he operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything"
*****
Why It's Important To Understand English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line! Just one lady in front of me… an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations’.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Sounds From the Stall

Amy, over at Mish Mash, posted about a bathroom conversation she had with a little lady and it reminded me of this bathroom prank seen on the Graham Norton show. Sharon Gless and Tyne Daily of Cagney and Lacey fame used a microphone to talk to each other. The speakers were in two stalls in the ladies room. This is hilarious.

Be real careful of what you hear in a bathroom because you might be on candid camera.

National Health Care Doctor

Model sues surgeon for obvious reasons.

 

The surgeon was quoted as exclaiming...
'Looked right to me'.

I wonder if he performs circumcisions, too.

Good Ole Mountain Advice

ADVICE FROM AN OLD TENNESSEE MOUNTAIN MAN
But it works in other States, too.

 

*Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
*Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
*A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
*Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
*Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
*Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
*Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
*It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
*You cannot unsay a cruel or unkind word.
*Every path has a few puddles.
*When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
*The best sermons are lived, not preached.
*Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
*Don't judge folks by their relatives.
*Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
*Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
*Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
*Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
*If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
*Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
*The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*The bottom line is 'Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest up to God.'

The Wrong Man

 

My fellow Americans:

As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change. Not to mention that if I were not black I wouldn't be here in the first place.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy killed a female employee with whom he was having an extra marital affair and who was pregnant with his child. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning,then that means you have to think about them.

Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart. So when you go to vote in the fall election, remember don't think, just do. And do it for me.

Thank You.

Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.

Jim Is Down But Not Out

One of my blogging buddies, Jim Latchford, is having open heart bypass surgery today. If you have a minuet, how about sending up a prayer or good vibes or what ever your preference is, to help him through the day and the next few weeks as he recovers. He's a good dude and deserves the moral assistance.

Tell Me Guys - What Color Is Her Hair

 

 

Love may be blind, but you won't need glasses to see this bride.

Chaplin - My Main Man

CHAPLIN

 

This is my main man, Chaplin (Chappie) who thinks he is a dog. Here he is in his tuxedo with the big button on his shirt. Doesn’t he look dashing with his little mustache? That’s how he got his name; because he looks like Charlie Chaplin. But he is a gentleman, too. Nutless, but gentlemanly just the same.

He greets me when I come in the door and walks with me through the house looking back over his shoulder ‘talking’ the whole time. He will keep on talking as long as you talk back to him. It’s easier if you give him yes and no questions, though.

He lies on my chest when I am reclined in my chair and licks my chin. When he wants to be rubbed between the ears or under the chin, he will bump his head against my chin. He comes into the bathroom when I get out of the shower talking to me as if to say, “It’s about time, dude. You know I am going to lick the water off your feet and ankles, don’t ya?”

He greets everyone who comes in the house and questions everything they do – until they pet him.


This is one of his favorite resting places.

 

At night, not matter what time I go to bed, he jumps up and goes to my left side, lies down and puts his front paws and head on my left arm. Later, if I stay on my back, he will climb on my chest and lay there looking like the Sphinx and stares at me.

He will also climb on by arm and shoulder when I roll over on my side. As soon as I go to sleep, he will jump down and crawl under the bed for the night.

If I get up during the night, he is right there with me.

We are just two old men hanging together.