Kittens For Fun - Puppies For Delivery

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a motorcycle policeman in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. 'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'DEMOCRATS' says Little Suzy.

The tall man chuckled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Barack Hussein Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens and the 'FREE KITTENS' sign. The big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Barack Hussein Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'They are all 'REPUBLICAN' kittens.'

Taken by surprise, Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'
Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'

Soooo, I haven’t been on-line all day because I am preparing to take a load of Republican puppies and a few older dogs to New York (Niskayuna and Menands with a total of 12 puppies and 9 adult Republicans.) So I won’t be around until Saturday night. Y’all have fun and I’ll see ya later.

Thursday Humor

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him."

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

Or

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies; 2 calves; 1 ass; and an unknown number of hares.

Okay! So it's not the best stuff you have ever read, but it's better than reading the news.

COFFEYPOT's School Days

Before I get into a few tails of me in school I thought you might enjoy these two pictures.

It is important to stay in shape. Try this exercise. Sadly, Sweet Tea can only use one hand with me.

 

Never let it be said that a Red Neck cannot think fast and improvise. Check out this Tank Top!

 

Now, for a few stories from my schoold days.

LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Coffeypot.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Coffeypot says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice-cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Coffeypot replied, "The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking."


LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Coffeypot returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?'

“I said ‘6’”, replies Coffeypot.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me how much is 3 x 2?"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON ENGLISH




Little Coffeypot goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Coffeypot says "Mas-tur-bate!"

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Coffeypot, that's a mouthful."

Little Coffeypot says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GRAMMAR (Part 1)

Little Coffeypot was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Coffeypot, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Coffeypot, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Coffeypot........

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GETTING OLDER

Little Coffeypot was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Coffeypot replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Coffeypot answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.”

Does this help you to understand me a little more?

To Help Your Tuesday Go A Little Easier

Cheeseburger Anyone?

A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which Reads: - CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 - CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 - HAND JOB: $10.00.

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering, sugar,’ whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”

*******
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.”

*******

The sharing of marriage...

An old man and his wife went into a hamburger joint. The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH.”

No More Bra's

In my column below titled ‘OLD’, Pamela (from The Dust Will Wait) ask if she went without a bra would it pull the wrinkles out of her face (not that a sweet face like her's would ever need adjusting)? The proof is below, folks. I know its springtime and all the girls start showing their bellybuttons - but look how smooth her face is, too. It works, folks. No Bra, No Wrinkles!

 

HAPPY KEESTER

 

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE
I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Adoption and Sexual Harassment

Below are a couple of tidbits that Casual Slack gave me… uh, loaned me… okay, I stole the damn things but they were too funny not too.

This one is about adoption by a trendy, not to bright couple:


This one is a serious documentary concerning Sexual Harassment in the Work Place.


Now you know why I couldn't resist passing these along. Jen, at Casual Slack and The Fee Feasible Prophecies. I encourage each of you to go these two sites and enjoy her stuff.

Romantic Valentines Ballad

This is a touching ballad that brought tears to my eyes.


If you don't have tears in your eyes after watching this, you are a hard hearted soul.

OLD

'OLD' is when your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' is when A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' is when 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' is when 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' is when an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' is when you are not sure these are jokes?
**********

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---SENIOR STYLE

An elderly couple were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 2 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays

A Special Easter This Year

Easter this year is a little more special than usual. Easter is always on the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that the Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.

I found out a couple of things that you might find interesting. Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.

Here's the interesting information. This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives. And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above.) And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier. Here are the facts:

1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 - 220 years from now. The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that.)

2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 - 277 years from now. The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or ever will see it any earlier than this year!

3). Just hope that you are still around next week, or you will miss the event of your lifetime. I am skipping this one, I sticking around for the one on March 22 in the year 2285.

Septic Truck Sign

Is this not appropriate? Truthful? Brother Dave’s Blog?

 

Another MeMe But Not By MeMe

My friend and talented artist, Mary Stibbins Taitt over at No Polar Coordinates, challenged me to a meme. The idea is to list seven unique things about yourself that most people do not know. I did this a while back, so I thought I would live on the edge and do something a little different. I asked Sweet Tea to do it for me.

She has been instructed to write whatever she feels like saying and to be as honest as possible. I showed her how to post this, and I have left her alone. I will not influence her one bit; and as soon as she is finished I will give her back the key to the liquor cabinet.

So, without further ado, I give you Sweet Tea:


1. Love of history -- Due to his acute love for history John is very worldly and knowledgeable.

2. Sense of humor – John has the greatest sense of humor of anyone I know. He finds laughter in everything and can always come up with a quick response.

3. Sensitivity -- John will never admit this to anyone, but he is very sensitive and caring. He puts up with all my quirks and faults and still cares tremendously about my thoughts and wishes.

4. Flexibility – John is quite capable of adjusting to changes within our lives. This is a very valuable unique quality.

5. Humility – John doesn’t not accept or know of his own worth. Although this is not always a good quality, it is unique in the world today. Sometimes I wish he could see his attributes more clearly.

6. Realistic – John doesn’t see through “Rose colored glasses” as I do. He compliments me in his ability to see things realistically.

7. “Gutter month” -- John has the ability to constantly add bad language to every sentence. Although this is annoying at times, he has the ability to do this without the uneducated stigmatism that is usually associated with bad word usage.

Irish Blessing to You

Monday is St. Patrick’s Day. Wearing of the green, green beer, shamrocks and Celtic music will dominate the day. For us in America it’s a fun day. But it also it can be a time for reflection and wishes, especially those of us with Irish heritage. Mine started in 1804 with the landing of Edwin Bowman, who was my Great to the umpteen Grandfather on my mother’s side. She was Ola Lois Bowman. My sir name is also Irish, but my father was adopted. His birth name was either Zimmerman or Shell, depending on which story the family gives. So I am within my right to pass on an Irish Blessing to you folks, which is presented below. Enjoy!


Also, I cannot let the time go by without telling you another touching Irish story.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ya not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ya call? Can ye not understand what ya put yar pur old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ya what!!? Out with ya, ya shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ya wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ya daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ya all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera and..."

"Now what was it ya said ya had becum?" says dad.

The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad…. sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus, Mary and Joseph! -- Ya scared me half to death, girl! I thought ya said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yar old man a hug!"

The New Guy In Prison

I love this commercial.

Now you know why he is there in the first place - stupidity.

Weather Warning

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky:

 

Just go back in the house, pour another cup of coffee, and stay there, maybe crawl under the bed.
It probably isn't going to be a good day.

Twins At Play

You know how twins like to play with each other and do things even after childhood? This is a video of E. Craig and Brother Dave playing together sometime after they got out of the Navy - but before Booze, Broads and Bread got in their way.



Cute, arent' they?

Actually, its titled "Strength In Poland" on YouTube.

Boobs or Nuts

The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental proportions:

They don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two Boobs,
or the "Boob" with two Nuts.

What If...

Sometimes I really get pissed when I think about my childhood. From my seat here at the computer I can see out through the neighborhood and I have been watching the school buses dropping off the heathens. Just about all of them are met by their moms and the occasional dad, with smiles, hugs and kisses. I had to walk about a mile to my house from the grammar school and my mom would greet me with, “Do your homework and did you get in trouble today?” Love you, too, mom. Thanks for making me feel special.

Okay, my mom was 39 when I was born, ten years after her last live child. There was a girl born dead that would have been six years older, but she don’t count. So my parents had two boys and a girl that they got to enjoy. But when I came along everyone was too tired to go anywhere or do anything, unless one of my dad’s lodge buddies call for a ride or something. Then the energy was there. My dad never played ball with me. We never went on vacation or celebrated birthdays, other than have your favorite desert after supper. Mom and dad never owned a car until I went into the Navy. My older bros and sis had cars and they took mom to the store. Other wise, we walked or too the bus.

One time we went to a place call Cheatham’s Hill, a Civil War Battle sit at the foot of Kennesaw Mountain for the one and only picnic the family ever had. It lasted just long enough to eat. Dad complained the whole time and baby brother, Stephen, cried. Admittedly it was hot, but walking around and enjoying the shade of the trees and stuff was beyond them.

They never went to PTA meetings, watched me play sports (for this I can’t blame them because I wasn’t very good,) or got involved with any church projects that involved the youth. I remember one RA (Royal Ambassadors), a Baptist church thing, function was a Father and Son dinner, but I didn’t go because my dad was too tired. But Mr. Pritchett called and ask dad to walk down to the church and drive them home because he had sprained his ankle playing a game with his son. He did. And I couldn’t go with him because it was too late and I needed to go to bed.

When my baby brother, Stephen, was born he was sickly with jaundice. That, and the fact that he was mom’s last chance, made him special. He was doted on and I had to give him anything I was playing with and he wanted. No negotiations or fairness.

Yes, they were both in their 40’s when Stephen and I were coming up, but fuck that. I’m 63 years old and I spend the summers on the lake with the grandkids, taking them on curses, I set in the freezing wind or insufferable heat to watch them play soccer. I can find the time to be there. Why didn’t they think I was worth the trouble?

Since then I’ve always wondered why anyone takes any time with or for me. That’s also why I never let anyone get too close. I’ll either disappoint them or I will get too close to them and they will disappoint me. Even Sweet Tea! I have never understood why she chose me, but I am very glad she did. And when the grandkids climb into my lap or give me a random hug or kiss, I lap it up like a hound dog lapping water after a day of serious hunting.

I just can’t help but wonder what I would be like now if I had been greeted with a hug and a kiss. If I had ever had an encourage word. Yes, I did have plenty to eat, and clothes to get me through each growth spurt and climate change, but to see a welcome smile…

Man's Best Friend Won't Do It

 

The look on that hounds face is priceless. Evidently there are some things that even man's best friend will not do.

Little Mama

I just watched a video on MSN.com about a woman who is 28 inches tall and gave birth to a baby. Isn't that like a snake shedding its skin?

DRAGON COSTUME

This is NOT my kid, although I do like his style.

But, you know, the same thing happens to me when I wear my speedo.

Disorder In The Court

My gifted friend, Mary Stibbins Taitt, sent this list to me a week or so ago and this is the first time I've had to pass them on. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the tim e?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I feel much better about myself, now. Though I can see myself giving most of these answers to someone, I would be doing it for the humor. These are from the heart and brain.

Westfalls Championship Run

This was sent to me in an e-mail and I thought it was very inspirational. So I am sending it on to you people. Enjoy!

COFFEYPOT'S THOUGHTS ON WORK

If you can’t get the work done in 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few feet from a kick on the ass.

You can’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do. It only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a lift home.

The Boss is always right. But BOSS spelled backwards is double SOB.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there’d be so many.

Keep your boss’s boss of your bosses’ back.

Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’

Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human – to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provide it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

If you are good, you’ll be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you’ll get out of it.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

Success is a matter of luck; just ask any failure.

All vacations and holidays present problems, except for your own.

Once a job is fucked up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

An ‘acceptable’ level of unemployment means the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Following the rules won’t get the job done.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

If it wasn’t for the last minuet, nothing would get done.

People don’t make the same mistake twice; they make it three, four or five times.

Teamwork means NEVER having to take all the blame yourself.

CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON’T!"

"Don’t what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve… we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was pissed.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!