How Much?

The other day I was talking with an old pal and a question came up. 

Let me explain.

"YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT A HARD-ON, I COULDN'T BEND IT WITH BOTH  HANDS.

BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT 10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL HARD.

BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT 20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.

I'M GONNA BE 70 NEXT WEEK, AND I CAN BEND IT IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND."

"SO, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?" My pal asked.

"WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?

The Eyes Tell It All

As most of you know, I am not a very religious man.  I do have my relations with God and I am comfortable about that, but I hate organized religion.  There is so much hate and bigotry in the church that I cannot stand to be around ‘those people.’

But I was raised in a good Baptist Church and most of the kids I grew up with are respected members of that church today.  Deacons, organist and piano accompanists as well as active members in the old community are the same ones I grew up with.  Not me!  For some reason I felt excluded from the masses when I came home from the Navy and never really fit in again.  Mostly of my making, I now realize, but still was real at the time.

So I do not go to church.  Judy is Catholic, but does not attend services either.  However sometimes I get a little nostalgic and want to visit the old church.  So on Sunday I moseyed on down for a visit.  Judy didn’t go because she’s Catholic, ya know.

When I came home I was sporting, not one, but two black eyes.  She was very upset and wanted to know what happened.   It wasn’t much I assured her.  I was just trying to be helpful.

Ya see, we were sitting in the pews and were told to stand to sing a song.  I noticed old fat Mrs. Snobbyass, in the pew in front of me, had her dress stuck in the crack of her ass, so I reached over and pulled it out.  She gave a whelp, turned and punched me in the eye.   Judy said she didn’t blame her, but wanted to know how I got the other one blackened.

I told her I was so upset and embarrassed for what I did, but figured she wanted her dress that way, so I put it back.

The right eye should be opening in a day or two.

The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa!  Ya need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "Ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Ya there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! They ain't nuthin wrong with da outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain'ta stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! They ain't nuthin wrong with this here outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

Now that thar is ‘bout as mean a thing to do as throwing a sack full of puppies in the river.

A Kid Has The Answer

A little boy got on the bus and set next to a man reading a book and noticed the man had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked him why he had his collar on backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father…’

The little boy said, ‘My dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and said, ‘I am a Father of many.’

The boy said, ‘My dad is the father of 4 boys and 4 girls and 2 grand-kids and he still doesn’t wear his collar backward.’

The priest, getting impatient, said, ‘I am the Father of hundreds’ and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while then leaned over and said, ‘Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.’

We've Lost Another Hero

Channel 2 TV reported Senior Police Officer Gail Thomas, 46 and 15 year veteran, was killed Tuesday night by an alleged drunk driver while assisting another officer working a wreck near the Downtown Connector.

A Zone 5 officer arrived at 11 p.m. to handle a single car accident on the ramp to I-85 north from I-75 south.  The officer called for additional units to assist with traffic control while the investigation was conducted.

Officer Thomas was the second officer to arrive.  Shortly after exiting her vehicle, she was struck by an oncoming vehicle. 

Officer Thomas had just started her watch when she was killed.

Police have charged the driver, Ms. Chasity Jones, of Stone Mountain, with first-degree vehicular homicide, driving under the influence and reckless driving.

The 22-year-old blew a .16 on the scene and refused consent for a state administered blood alcohol reading.

It’s sad, Peeps.  We have lose another hero to drunk driving.  

So senseless!!!

Why

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that indestructible stuff used to make the black box?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is Congress the opposite of Progress (since con is the opposite of pro)?

Why do they call the airport ‘The Terminal’ if flying is so safe?