FROM THE YEAR: 2059

FROM THE YEAR: 2059 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally!  Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, they had simultaneous headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Actual Analogies Used By High School Students

(My Sentiments Exactly)

21 Actual Analogies Used By High School Students In English Essays

1. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.

2. Her eyes twinkled, like the mustache of a man with a old.

3. She was like a magnate: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.

4. The ballerina rose gracefully on point and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

5. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.

7. The lamp just set there, like an inanimate object.

8. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

9. Her eyes were like the stars, not because they twinkle, but because they were so far apart.

10. His career was blowing up like a man with a broken metal detector walking an active minefield.

11. The sun was below the watery horizon, like a diabetic grandma easing into a warm salt bath.

12. From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes at a 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

13. It was as easy as taking candy from a diabetic man who no longer wishes to eat candy.

14. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before is throws up.

15. Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection.

16. It’s basically an illusion and no different than if I were to imagine something else, like Batman riding a flying toaster.

17. If it was any colder, it would be like being in a place that’s a little colder than it is here.

18. Joy fills her heart like a silent but deadly fart fills a room with no windows.

19. The bird flew gracefully into the air like a man stepping on a landmine in zero gravity.

20. He felt confused.  As confused as a homeless man on house arrest.

21. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge – free ATM.

Boy, Peeps, I want to meet these characters.  I bet they would be a hoot to hang with, like watching a cripple with rubber crutches.