Did Phillip fart?

Did Phillip fart?


He probably did, and does all the time. What the heck, he’s almost ninety, and at that age you don’t hold anything back even if you wanted to.  He just has pray that it is a fart.

The facial expressions are priceless, though.  Look at the Queen's face and Phillip trying to look so innocent!

Remember:

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget
Sweet old farts like you!


Lovely!  Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

PONDERISMS

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

14· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

16· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

If you've seen these before...sorry!

RAF Humor To The End

A picture of the last Harrier fly by over the Houses of Parliament.


You have to squint a bit to see what the boys are trying to say!

They were retired on Dec 16th 2010 after years a awesome service.

Well Done RAF!

Another Award - WTF

I received another award last night. Two in one week. Damn! I’m humbled and amazed. You’d think I owe y’all money or something.



This one is different and special because it was made especially for me (or at least I am the first one to receive it) by  The Queen of WTF and The Dutchess, two sisters who ran a Royal Family of Hookers with a cast of blogger characters.

It seems now that they are, humm, I don’t think ‘old’ is the right word, perhaps just ‘ready’ to retire and together opened a retirement home for old, worn-out hookers. The Royal Retirement Home.

Open and honest to a fault and funny in their irreverence you need to check’em out.

Thanks ladies! Does this mean, as a perk for this award, that I get a freebie? 

I was actually hoping I could finally fulfill my like’s ambition and dream of becomming the Quality Control Inspector in your whorehouse.  Send me a application and I’ll send you my references.

Thanks!

SNUGGLING ON THE BEACH

This unique video is of a tourist who sat on the beach to watch the seals and penguins on Gold Harbor, South Georgia. Unexpectedly, one of the seals is apparently attracted to her and, slowly works his way over to her.

He seems to 'fall in love' and snuggles and flirts with her. It is quite an unusual and interesting scene. The seals are huge (6,000 lbs), yet she never seemed afraid...more amused...while someone shot the video of this incident.

Gold Harbor, South Georgia, is located off the southern tip of South America. (sub arctic) It is a small bay five miles S-SW of Cape Charlotte, with Bertrab Glacierat its head, along the east end of Georgia. The west end of the beach, where a glacial stream flows, is a breeding ground for various types of penguins and large seals.

It is not a frequent destination for tourists.

In Southeast Georgia (USA) the same thing occurs on our beaches, but with fat, rich men instead of sea life.

Enjoy!

A Couple Of Aspirin Will Work Everytime

I went out with my buddies and had a few drinks last night.  With all the camaraderie and ’man boasting’, I kinda got in the mood for some loving.  Now there were plenty of nice looking ladies there enjoying a good time, too, but I chose to be true to Judy and went home.


When I got home, I found her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.

I run to the bathroom medicine cabinet and get two aspirin, snuck over to the bed and drop them into her mouth.

Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, ‘What did you just put in my mouth?’

I told her, 'Two aspirin.'

She replies, 'BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!'

And I said, 'That's what I wanted to hear.'

 

It's Official - I'm Funny

***Peeps! I was just checking my site meter and I just got a hit on this post from the Vatican City.  Oh Hell! Pray for me, folks.  I'm allergic to lightning.***

Peeps, I have this fairly new blogger and follower who is not only beautiful and sexy, but she puts out too. Puts out some great writing, that is (what else did you think I mean?) and she has impeccable taste when it comes to humor.  She thinks I’m funny.

I don’t know why.  I don’t believe she drinks to extremes or uses drugs or is mentally incapacitated or anything.  She just thinks I’m funny.  Perhaps you should see things her way. I might get more laughs and less restraining orders if you do.

She needs some followers, too. Check her out. She is The Minute Man’s Wife, and I hope that means he’s in the National Guard or State Militia and not an account of his love making abilities.




Anytrophy, she gave me this cool LOL Award. I’m suppose to pass it along to someone else, but you know me an rules. So many of you make me laugh that I cannot choose one over the other. So if you are funny (and you know who you are) then please accept this cool award from me.

You’re welcome!

Love Y’all Long Time, Peeps!
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ATM INSTRUCTIONS

A new Bank Lobbyn sign reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-Through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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New Advances in Redneck Technology

Actually some of these are quiet ingenious.

Okay! Some of these are pretty good.

Alright! Alright! They are dumb as hell. Shut it!






















Let's see you come up with a better mouse trap!

Formal Apology Thing-A-Maggie

Some of you (not me, mind you) out there occasionally make statements that may be hurtful to others. If you meant them, okay. Fuck'em if they don't like your comment.


But sometimes things are said that are unintentionally hurtful and you never meant to be offensive.

Not to worry!

I found this on a FB page, Now Ain’t That Funny, and on my friend, Dawn Marie’s post.

Now you will have a tool to help get you back into good graces with the offended party. Or at least explain you feelings. Just fill in the appropriate blanks and send it off.


                 (Click on it to make it so's you can read it)

Just trying to make you life a little easier.

You're welcome!
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Working A Puzzle

A little girl calls her daddy at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies.  "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said.  "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a rooster," she said.

So the dad arrives home, looks at the puzzle and tells his little girl, "Okay, Sweetie, we need to put the corn flakes back in the box."

A Little Church Humor - Very Little

How to get to Heaven from Ireland ...

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class (okay, that there should tell you this is a joke) to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

‘NO!' the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all yelled 'NOOOO!!!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FRIKIN' DEAD!"

A curious race, we Irish.

Yeah! I know! But maybe this one is a little better.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, Father Frank, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
 
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

 
'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'


But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.'

'But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.
 
No, huh?  Well, back to the drawing board.

Redneck Monday - Another Mo Sayings

Ain’t been ‘round much lately, and ain’t said nary a thing about learning you proper redneck English and such. So pay ‘tention to what I’ma bout to tell ya so‘s you can know if‘en you‘re a Redneck or ain‘t.

(Translation: It’s been awhile since I’ve posted any Redneck Monday teachings, enlightening you to some of our redneck sayings, descriptions and feelings. Therefore, I will bring you up to date on the latest sayings that will give you an idea if you have any redneck leanings or tendencies.)

You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Now, what do you think?  You a Redneck or have tendencies toward being one.  I mean, I KNOW you wanna be, but that only comes from the Grace of God.

What Do You Look Like?

     In my mind I look like Tom Selleck; IRL I feel like Barny Fife.

Contortion In A Cube

Talk about have clean personal hygiene...


When they go to the next town or city, they can go by UPS and save the cost of TWO airline tickets.

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE LESSONS

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE LESSONS

A sense of humor is one of God's greatest gifts










Give you a little chuckle?

Good!
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