Monday, January 07, 2008

For the Want of a Few Good Laughs

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!”
___

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"
____

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
___

STRENGTH EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

It just might work for some others too!

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy; I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potatoe sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

12 comments:

HoosierGirl5 said...

Great jokes.

But.....

Spread the word: I'm offering cash payments (or anything else you want, for that matter) to anyone who will write a NICE post about me! Pass it on.

J.

kittenpower said...

nice. i suck at jokes. i always mess them up...

Olly said...

That 2nd one was a real killer!!! I was not expecting that punchline at all. Good one!

Brother Dave said...

Once the writer's strike is over you could easily land a job writing for Letterman or Leno.

Hot Lemon said...

heh!! Remimds me of something my grandpop used to say: "son, I'm a goin' upstairs to fuck yer grandma!"

He wouldn't lie to a lil' kid!!

coffeypot said...

Hooter, you don’t need to pay anyone, well, I’m not immune to receiving cash, to say nice things about you. The fact that we rag on you is enough to let you know you are liked. Otherwise you would be ignored all together. We all know you are sweet and do a great job raising your kids as a single mom and shit like that. So lay back and enjoy the abuse. I do.

Kittenpower, you don’t have to tell them. Just pass along the ones you receive by cut and paste. I don’t care about who thought it up. I just want to laugh at it.

Olly, it caught me by surprise too. He must have been on butt-ugly dude, huh?

Brother Dave, thanks, but I don’t make this shit up. I just pass them along as I get them. I don’t pass along all that I receive, that would be too much reading, but I feel it’s my duty to keep humor going around the world. But Jay Lenno does call me for advice on how to deliver a joke every now and then. I’m his hero, ya know.

Hot Lemon, any grandpa who would tell you something like that certainly wouldn’t lie. At least you knew not to pay attention to the moans and screaming.

Biddie said...

LOL. I loved the Grandpa one :)

gawilli said...

Amazing what one little letter can do!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I've heard that potato sack one before, but it is still funny. :-D

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I love the celibate-->celebrate one, too! LOL! That's a good one. I'm all for celebrating. I was also celibate for many years.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

But the one about the girl ont he rr tracks--eeeyooooouuu! YUK! :-(

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

grandpas are just teen boys that got grey