Sunday, January 13, 2008

Grannydot Is Finally Happy

EDIT: Sweet Tea was having a slow moment at work today and sent me this email. She thinks I am on withdrawel after two months of GrannyDot.

Hi,
Since you are "playing" on the computer, I just thought I would mention that I need a nap…. I am tired, and ready for hibernation. It says on the news on Sunday it will be a high of 20 degrees. BRRR!!! Just thought I would drop a short note to let you know I am tired….

And to make you feel better because I know you missed this:

Could you go to Rite Aid and by me some gas X because the other stores brands aren't the same. And can you go to Wal-Mart and get me some pepsid AC for my heart burn. And then can you go to Kroger's to pick up some fiber substitute to help me go to the bathroom.. And can you go to the nature health store to get me some medicine for my gas. On the way back can you go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions filled. Also I need some yogurt and some ice cream and some candy.

Also I am almost out of toilet paper in the bathroom because the package of 12 you bought yesterday is gone….

Do you feel better now???

ILU


 


Grannydot is as happy as a pig in shit. She has cancer. Normally that is not something I would see as being funny, but we are talking about Dot, the epitome of hypochondriac symptoms.

Just before she came down to spend November and December with us; she had a spot on her right cheek removed. If you look real close on the picture you will see a red spot just under her right eye and to the side of her nose. This is after almost two months of healing. There was an ugly hole there when she first came down that she doctored and covered up with Band-Aids (every hour.) She would ask me if it looked bad. Me! She would ask me. I would tell her that until people started puking and little kids started running away screaming, not to worry about it. Anyway, when she returned home there was a message for her to come into the doctor’s office. That is when she learned of the cancer.

Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey for the month of January, stopped by to visit her and she said Grannydot was almost happy. She actually has a problem that is not in her head and she can brag to the other people in her building about her affliction. I think she has even forgotten about the Restless Leg Syndrome she said she had after seeing it on television one night. I know her Diverticulitis went away as soon as she discovered McDonalds put nuts in their yogurt – which she can eat now, along with her nightly bowl of ice-cream, since her Lactose Intolerance maliciously (her term, not mine) cleared up after they prayed for her in church.

She told Sweet Tea, “You remember how my nose would bleed when I blew it? It was on the other side of the cancer spot, but I think the cancer has spread behind my nose to the left side, and is in my nose now.” It didn’t matter that the air was probably too dry in the house, and the heat was up so much it would dry a wet-wipe into brittleness in two minuets. She asked me, again, silly woman, how she could stop her nose from bleeding every time she blew it. I told her to quit blowing it. Have you ever seen an 83 year old squatty body woman shoot someone a bird? I don’t know if her hand was shaking from her laughing, being mad at me, an orgasm or palsy, but it was funny.

But she is having a ball calling everyone and telling them that she is going to have to go back in and have the spot cut on again. There is another small spot that they think they missed from the last surgery. Not spreading, but just missed. She even told Uncle Sherm that shy might have to have her nose cut off.

She gets so mad when someone questions her about her problems and the amount of medications she takes. So now she actually has something to show them and she is beside herself. I think she should celebrate with a bowl of butter-pecan ice-cream, don’t you?
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24 comments:

Teri said...

I think she's darling. Can she come visit me in New Jersey, I don't have any grandmothers?

coffeypot said...

Poor Teri! You NEED to get a life. Go out and get gang-banged or have a car wreck, or something. Anything would be better than having her move in with you. You would have to work two jobs just to keep yourself in toilet paper and ice-cream.

Anonymous said...

Maliciously cured-- crack me up!!!! Yes -- butter pecan ice cream sounds real good-- lactose intolarant and diverticulitus!! Hee hee ha-- T

coffeypot said...

Hey, Major T. You're getting pretty short aren't you. Welcome home, sir. Yea, I though a bowl of ice-cream would please her - before her face falls off.

Special K said...

Bless her heart!
Bless yours too. You handle her well.

coffeypot said...

I don't handle her at all. EEEEWWWWW! Even if she took her false teeth out!

Brother Dave said...

Well, I just last week had a pre-cancerous lesion removed from my face. It had been there for over a year, and I decided finally that it was not psoriasis.

"Removed" is an interesting characterization of the process. Liquid nitrogen is applied, and that creates a thermal burn.

The spot stung/burned for the rest of the day, and by that evening, as the doctor promised, a blister had formed.

Now Grannydot is 83, while I am [only] 66 years [young]. Yet, people my age do get these growths on their face. They need to be removed before they become cancerous.

The longer a cancerous growth remains on the face, the more likely the cancer cells will metastasize, and be fatal.

As well, once a growth is suspiciously cancerous, it will be excised and sent to the pathology lab. The extent of the lesion's depth is prognosticative of an expected outcome.

Although I can provide a "healthy" list of my medical problems, that, in no way, indicates that I am not a hypochondriac.

Olly said...

Well...I'm glad she's happy. She will probly live long enough to be a pain in your ass for many years to come;)

coffeypot said...

brother dave, that is pretty much what they did to her. They did snip off some before the dunked her head in the aid jar to be sent off for testing. I didn’t mean to imply that five huge men held her down while the doctor dug in her face with a paring knife. The doctor didn’t seem to be worried about her having to do a little touch-up. Why should he, it isn’t his face that has cancer. But I believe she is under control even if she wants it to be devastating. And I believe having your face burnt off really added to your looks, too.

My oldest brother had to have a chemical peel due to skin cancer. I would not be surprised if I had to do the same thing one day. I have many years of working outside, and the sun does do latter damage.

olly, I’m afraid you are right. You simply can’t kill off these old people. They are tougher than we are. But when she does die they will have to lay off bunches of people in the toilet paper, pill, ice-cream and tissue industries. She, alone, is keeping the economy going.

GrizzBabe said...

I think she's cute too! But then I don't have to live with her.

coffeypot said...

grizzbabe, I don’t either. She is cute, too, in a road-kill sort of way.

Burfica said...

Oh my mom was that way, she would bitch about everything and want everyone to join in her missery.

Pamela said...

I had the Precancerous spot -- and I got to treat it myself with a chemical that burned it away -- Worked, too.

I'm laughing, because I'm telling you my ailments just like Grannydot!


(heee hawwww... my word verification is triple x)

e.Craig Crawford said...

Sorry to hear Grannydot has cancer, in spite of the good it does for her.

katy said...

can i tell you of my ailments? what you mean no you bloody can't! huh ok then, you know when i get as old as Grannydot, i am going to be mad, i am going to do silly things like walking to the shops in me nightie tucked into me knickers and wearring one slipper and one boot, sounds like me when i am pissed anyways!
she is a lovely lady and i would adopt her for my granny though

Hot Lemon said...

Egad. Lookit all that LOOT there unner th' tree, tho!!

You know, I'm falling apart as well... Maybe I need to eat more ice cream and have folken pray for me??

coffeypot said...

Pamela, the difference is, your actually had something that could be verified. She didn’t until her cancer showed up. What is “…my word verification is triple x?”

e.craig, thanks. She really is happy. Go figure!

katy, I do some of that stuff myself – except for the gown in the knickers thing. You can have her, too. You don’t have to adopt her. She is yours.

hot lemon, I think we are all falling apart little by little. But she revels in doing it. Ice-cream and prayer is good, too, but I think her secret is the 5 or 6 shits she has everyday. I wouldn’t weight 65 lbs if I went to the crapper that much.

Beth said...

Good for her ... I guess. As David Letterman said when he had his quadruple-bypass surgery, there's nothing better for a hypochondriac than a serious illness.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

What a riot, I hope she really is cured, so you will continue to have something to complain about. Think how boring life would be without her!

HEY--I have you an award on another blog, Detroit daily. Dunno if you can manage to find it. It's a YOU MADE MY DAY award, which you deserve for being so funny!

Do I need to leave you a link? I had to post it there, because it was given to me there, but if you can't find it, I can prolly alos post it at No Polar.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I can't watch the vidoe til tomorrow at least--everyone here is already in bed but me. OK, goodnight.

coffeypot said...

MST, thank you for the award. There are many more deserving, but the check is in the mail. What do I do with it? There are over 40 people that I read and enjoy everyday, so I'll cut the award up into tiny pieces and give it to all my peeps.

Teri said...

WOW, coffeypot. that bad, huh.

I'll pass on her this time. she sounds like a real doozy.

Special K said...

We could have an auction for Granny-Dot....raise money for charity.
I never had any Grandparents either, Teri....we'll bid first.

Or we could just have a pudding wrestling match for her....

coffeypot said...

Teri, good decision!

Special K, I don't need to have an auction. I'll just find someone I don't like and give her to them. I wonder if Hitlery would be interested, since she is so big on health care for the aged. It would serve her right, too.