Friday, January 11, 2008

Ponderings and Comments

My bloging buddy, Nekked Lizard Man, posted some ponderings that keep him awake at night. I found a few more that should really keep him snoozingly impaired. Plus a few good comments, too. So, here ‘tis:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

ALSO

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't drink and drive; you might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. [Kermit the Frog]

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

GUN CONTROL: using both hands!

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

24 comments:

Burfica said...

those are all so dam true, and yes I did sing those dam songs.

Cooper Green said...

You can cry under water, but not for long. It's amazing how quickly you forget what was bothering you when you're drowning.

clew said...

Tee hee ... my hubby likes to say the best thing about Alzheimers is there are never any reruns on TV.

A friend's favorite tidbit:

"Let's eat, Grandpa!"
"Let's eat Grandpa!"
Punctuation. It saves lives.

Have a great weekend, coffeypot!

P.S. I never noticed that about Twinkle Twinkle and ABC. Far out!

Real Live Lesbian said...

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

AMEN!!!!

Great list!

coffeypot said...

burfica, I'm glad to hear that I wasn’t' the only dumb-ass to sing them.

cooper, so true. Especially if they try to take a deep breath to holler for help.

clew, I know! I can tell the same old jokes over and over again when dementia happens to my friends. But, then again, I have to re-introduce myself to them every time I see them. But that’s okay, too, because I get to keep meeting and making new friends over and over without adding to my Christmas card list.

real live lesbian, thanks for stopping by. It’s great to meet a fellow lesbian. I went to you site and really got a laugh at the riding crop story. Pain is not a way to turn me on. You slap my ass and you will be picking yourself up off the floor. Then I say, “Just cut it out and let’s get to fucking.” I have many endearing phrases like that to keep Sweet Tea turned on. Another is, “How about twenty bucks?”

GrizzBabe said...

Good list, coffeypot! I have smoke coming out of my ears from pondering all of those unanswerable questions.

e.Craig Crawford said...

That's been around before, but it's still funny.

coffeypot said...

grizzbabe, that happens to me all the time. When I really get to thinking, the smoke alarm goes off.

e.craig, there is not an original bone in my body.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

These are good, and cooper is good too! (You too)


I got a bunch of good chuckles and laughs. YAY! :-D


Thanks! :-D

Amy said...

The toast one is my favorite!

Pamela said...

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

uh... and what about BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP.

Jane said...

Cracks me up at those who didn't know ABC & Twinkle had the same tune. hahaha Maybe that is just something that was ingrained in me from years of piano lessons.

HoosierGirl5 said...

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

I love this one! I always wondered why all those people visited the island but the castaways never got to leave.....

Terrific list, Coffeypot.
You're the best!
J.

RWA said...

That's pretty impressive. I particularly like, "You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

kittenpower said...

very nice list.
i like the last one...

Nekked Lizard Man said...

Coffypot, your list of imponderables is impressive and thought-provoking. I am thinking subconsciously (because thinking should be silent) that I can add to your list. No sense in you sleeping any better than me: thus...
1. If #2 pencils are the most popular, then are they still #2?
2. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfect?
3. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? and finally...
4. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now....

Goodnight - Nekked Lizard Man has left the building!!

Hot Lemon said...

heheh!! "fuzzy green meat is bad for you."

I'm sure someone is getting govmint grant for 2 million dollahs to study that...

katy said...

its bloody great to be back! and yes i also sang those songs!!!!!!!

coffeypot said...

jane, I was going to take piano lesion when I was a kid, but I found out you had to use both arms and hands, all ten digits, plus your feet, along with trying to read music sheets that looked like a hen walked across it with ink on its feet. But I was mostly tone deaf, too. So I went into singing heavy metal rock n roll. You don’t need any talent to do that.

hootergirl j, that was one of the problems I had with the show, too. Astronauts and Navy personal would show up, be rescued or leave, and the crew would be left scratching their collective asses.

rwa, only someone who has been totally wiped out can appreciate that statement. I told my girlfriend, back in the day, over the pone that I was lying on the couch and the room was spinning. She told me to put my foot on the floor and that would stop the spinning. I told her, “Are kidding? If I put my foot on the floor I will get slung into the wall.” Sober people just can’t think straight.

nlm, has anyone ever used a #1 pencil – or a #3 or #4? And if you are schizophrenic, and necked lizard man left the building, did the rest of you go with him? No sleep for me again tonight. Thanks buddy!

hot lemon, I think so. Probably got another 2 million to study why it is green, too.

KATY, glad you are feeling better. Can’t wait to be back to your site for a few good laughs!

Biddie said...

Ah, the Gilligans Island questions! That has ALWAYS bothered me!
Now, I'll be thinking all day.
Thanks a lot.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

If you get cremated, is that yr first taste of hell?

coffeypot said...

Mary, Nah! I was married one before. That counted as the first taste of hell.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I don't get the one about terroism and the phone company. Did I say that already?

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