Monday, January 21, 2008

Retirement Reminders

I received this in my email today and, with minor adjustments that are obvious, I am sending it to you for your Monday chuckle. Or to piss you off. Depending on which sex you are.

Subject: RETIREMENT REMINDERS

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Coffeypot. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sweet Tea. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Sweet Tea to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sweet Tea. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy, though. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Coffeypot

EDITOR'S NOTE: Coffeypot died suddenly on January 21st. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sweet Tea was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.

24 comments:

Burfica said...

yup I would have seen that as an accident. hehehehehe

coffeypot said...

Of all the fair maidens in blogging world I knew you would be the one to agree. You and your sister! Were you on the jury? Signed, Coffeypot (from the other side.)

Olly said...

LOL!!! My father in law could have writting that.

Olly said...

Wrote. 'scuse me...having a no-brain day!

Jane said...

OMG - please tell me this isn't what I'm in for with James. As he is 13 years older than myself. He will either be having an accident himself or be living by himself! lolol

ps - my father also could have written that!

HoosierGirl5 said...

Oh my gosh, that is so funny. Sweet Tea is a saint. Really.

J.

PS. You know I love you! **Kiss**

coffeypot said...

Olly and Jane, oooh yeeeaaah! You got so much to look forward to.

Hooter Honey J., you made my liver quiver, that was so good.

nekked Lizard Man said...

Does Sweet Tea have a sister?Do they make more of these wonderful women where you are from? Can I have one? Rent one? I am thinking Stepford Wives with a slight breeze on the front porch. When I retired in 04, I wanted a Harley to cruise across America and sleep on picnic tables. Obviously it did not happen. I think your observations should be lamented in a gold covered manly book somewhere - hidden of course, so it is not burned, mutilated or otherwise crammed up our manly orifices... NLM (unless NLL is reading, then this is eCraig or Brother Dave).

Pamela said...

you need one of those seals from the previous post, except in full body size. (:

e.Craig Crawford said...

I like the way NLM covers his ass on his post ... But on to you. A man who has his wife trained like that .. I hold in high esteem.

Brother Dave said...

coffeypot - I admire your patience.

Anonymous said...

heehee haww haww! Oh no!! gotta go-- bladder leaking-- bye!!! tina

coffeypot said...

You guys have to understand one thing. Sweet Tea is over 500 miles away in New Jersey. If she was here, I would be singing a different tune. I know what's good for me.

I KNOW I am the boss in this family because she said I could be.

Cooper Green said...

So you're saying that since Sweet Tea is 500 miles away and couldn't have driven Big Bertha home, that you really did sit on it?

Remind me never to golf with you.

whatevergirl said...

And all of this could have been avoided if Sweet Tea had just stuck you in the doghouse several years ago---without your golf clubs!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Careful where you sit, buddy! It COULD happen! Don't piss off your little tea pot! ;)

Too funny!

Amy said...

I hope I find someone just like you someday.

NOT

katy said...

poor coffeypot, you never complain and look what happened to you!!
oh well got to go to court and sit on another 100 more cases like this one now!

coffeypot said...

Cooper, not to worry! My “sitting” clubs and my “playing clubs” are in two different bags. Of course I don’t play enough golf to score many homeruns or baskets. I think I did dunk a touchdown with them on day, though. Maybe you should look for a different golfing partner. I’m not very good a tag-team stuff.

Whatever Girl, I’ve been in the dog house so much, I have a big screen TV in it – and central air.

RLL, I don’t piss off ST. That’s why I waited until she was in NJ before I bragged.

Amy, that NOT. Does that mean you hope to find someone like me someday, Now Or Then? Good luck, honey. I know you want me, but I’m not a Mormon. Just one woman at a time! Unless we are at a swinging party.

Katy, I hope I never have to go before you in court. I don’t think I would like castration and spending 25 years in the eclectic chair.

Biddie said...

OMG. I don't know if I should laugh, or be pissed.
Maybe a bit of both? :)

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

And he deserved it, too--I would have definitely found her innocent.

BB makes breakfast on his days off and will be cooking dinner tomorrow night if we're still speaking then.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

And he works--and I don't. :-D

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

BB's blog: Keith Taitt Photography

but he hasn't posted to it lately.

He did laugh like crazy at some of your posts.

gawilli said...

So funny, CP. I bet when Sweet Tea is home your singing a variation of the Husband Song. I think we all do. Particularly those of us who want to stay married for any length of time!