Sunday, March 02, 2008

CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON’T!"

"Don’t what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve… we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was pissed.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!

7 comments:

Michael said...

Great stuff Cafe. You have an interesting observation point on life and people. It is as if you are away above us, on a fluffy cloud, seeing and knowing everything about our lives. We know you care, but haven't laid eyes on you, and take it on faith from your words that you do exist. You are truly worthy of praise, forever and ever, Amen.

Pamela said...

Makes sense -- and makes me feel better, too.

I often think about things I did as a kid and wish my mom was here (alive) to tell her I am sorry.

coffeypot said...

Michael, thank you for recognizing my rightful status in the universe. When we finally meet, you will be allowed to kneel and kiss my ring.

On the other hand, if you believe that I come up with this stuff off the top of my untapped brilliant mind, then you are as full of shit as your comment. I just received them from people smarter than I and I pass them along in hopes that someone might find a tidbit that will help them through the day. And maybe get laid in the process. What ever it takes!

Pamela, I too wish my patents were alive, but not for the same reasons. I would like to give them the chance to apologize to me.

Christine said...

I thank God for grandparents each and every day. My children should too because without them, I would rip the arms off the little spoiled snots and beat them to death with the bloody limbs.

The amazing part is grandma and grandpa actually like having the little shits around.

GrizzBabe said...

I laughed myself silly on this one!

Glad you made it home okay.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

These are hilarious! Especially the last one!

Piano boy is a real trial now that he is 14 and I am sure it will get worse before it gets better (when he leaves home, LOL!)

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...

so, it's God's fault we're buggered up??