Our friend e.craig is an avid hunter. He decided to add a black bear to his stuffed animal collection, so he researched the area that would give the best chances. He then went out, properly outfitted with an elephant gun and in short order found the perfect black bear. He aimed, fired... and missed the black bear by mere inches. The bear then cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed. However, I haven't been getting any lately, so I offer you this choice: either I pound you to pieces right here and now, or you let me have my way with you. Your choice!" Since e.craig did not desire being forcibly scattered all over the forest floor, he acquiesced.
Two hours later, he used every last remaining bit of his strength to crawl back to his trusty truck for a long sloppy drive home, all the while plotting the methods of revenge against this black bear.
He decided the weapon of choice this time was a bazooka. "To hell with the trophy.” he said, "This sucker's TOAST." He trained with the weapon for a month to assure inside-outside knowledge of its capabilities. Once he felt he was ready, e.craig went back out in pursuit of his furry black foe.
It wasn't long before he found the bear; he picked up the bazooka and had the bear in dead aim. Right at the precise moment he pulled the trigger, a large mosquito landed on his aiming arm and bit, causing e.craig to blast a 10-foot wide crater 20 feet to the right of the black bear. Whereupon the black bear cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed, and you must be one hell of a lousy shot. However, my odds haven't improved much and at the same time I am very hungry. So, either I eat you - bones and all, or you 'let me'. Again, your choice!" As hellish as e.craig’s last experience was, he wished not to be eaten alive; again, he acquiesced.
Three hours later, it took everything e.craig had to get back to his trusty truck and attempted to drive home safely, during which he rethought his plan of attack.
E.craig’s new weapon of choice was an AK-47, logic being that if he doesn't get the first shot, there will be many others right behind it. A month of hard work and training later, e.craig felt he was ready to try again to eliminate the black bear.
Not too far in the woods, he sees the black bear, along with 2 brown bears, consuming the latest capture. "No witnesses on this one", e.craig cockily says as he picks up the '47 to aim. Unfortunately, this weight shift caused a twig to break loudly under his left foot; all three bears' heads lift and spin in e.craig's direction. E.craig, petrified, could not get off one shot as all three bears cut a wide circle and tackle him. The black bear is on e.craigs back and the brown bears land on each side, effectively trapping him. All three bears huskily whisper, in perfect unison:
"You don't come here for the hunting... DO you, e.craig?"
MASTERPIECE #1651 - Karel Myslbek, Czech *"So What Do You Say? Should We Try CPR, or Just Rob Him and Call It a Day?,"* 1909 Oil on canvas
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