The Dictionary For Women

Again, in my commitment in educating the world, I give you a unique dictionary meant for the more enlightened woman. You men need to know it, too, because you need all the information you can get in order to live with these fickled beast…people.

Therefore I give you the:

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Bar-Be-Que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he, “made the dinner.”

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes Dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minuets of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*birth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his color, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning. “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

You’re welcome!