Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tuesday Humor (Of Sorts)

 

Here are some well worn jokes for your Tuesday. Old but good enought to be passed around again.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ while flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks, then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the Sumbitch who pushed me in the
Pool.”
***

Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend and already they’re embroiled in their own scandal.

Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have surfaced.

You can see her entire forehead.
***

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes! Yes, I sure am.”

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, ‘cause I want a cheeseburger.”
***

When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."

"That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
***

And Finally, A Different Ways Of Looking At Things:

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says and hangs up.
-----------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." (Okay, I hear the moaning)
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

"Oops!"
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Have a great Tuesday (and the rest of the week.)
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7 comments:

Brother Dave said...

Them jokes should get me through the week.

AirmanMom said...

too much fun! Thanks!
~AM

Christine said...

I wanna be the ex Mrs Clark!

SuvvyGirl said...

Good chuckles!! My favorite is the last one, I'd heard it a while back and I still love it.

And by good coincidence the word verification below this is comic!! :P

coffeypot said...

BD, I have plenty more where those came from. Just not enough time, space or interest in doing them all.

AM, I here all week and aim to please.

Christine, from what you say about your's I don't think you could win eiter way. But life insurance...

SuvvtGirl, they have all been around many times. But they are still funny.

Biddie said...

Lol. Poor Leroy! Thanks for the laughs.

e.Craig Crawford said...

Positively uplifting. Thanx.