Saturday, July 18, 2009

What's Your Opinion

A few post ago I talked about what to do when you couldn’t talk to anyone. I got some good advice and I even believe some of you were sincere. I don’t like to talk about my problems and concerns because I was raise to believe that you worked on or solved your own problems because nobody really gives a shit about your stuff. They are trying to deal with their own problems. But this time I am going to talk to you peeps, because I want to know if it is just me with these feelings or do y’all experience them, too. Am I really nuts or just sharing the same feeling as some of you.

For around two years I have had these feelings and I couldn’t put a finger on what was bother me. Sometimes I would feel so sad and other times I would get into a dark mood with self doubt and self pity. I could never figure out why they would come along. Something inside be was kicking them off, but what?

Being the private ass-hole that I am, I couldn’t talk about it. Judy would notice and ask what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know. She wouldn’t know what to say or do because she sees the world through rose colored glasses and does not understand depression at all.

Over the past couple of months two guys I went to high school with passed away. Their dying didn’t bother me. They were not my friends in school, we were just on the same football team and had a few classes together. I didn’t even practically like the fuckers. So their death didn’t bother me, but the fact that they are my age did. But I didn’t know why.

Then I met this lady. We have know about each other through mutual friends for awhile, but had not talked to each other. Then one day we were talking and it was wonderful. We laughed and played around and talked and talked. She made me happy and feel worthy again. No! Nothing physical. I’ve never even held her hand or touched her. I can’t imagine she would ever want to because she is so beautiful and sexy, and I am old enough to be her father. But she did make me feel that I still might have a little something left that could please a woman. But things were so nice I guess that would have been the next progression. However, we just talked, and it was wonderful.

She confided some things to me, some of her darkest secrets. I would talk to her about the stuff, laugh with her, get mad at her and yell at her and worry about her feelings. And I though, this just might be someone I could tell what I am thinking and feeling. I did, and POW, things changed. She cooled off toward me. I felt that she lost some of the respect for me. She knows that will go to my grave without telling anyone the things she confided to me, but I think I lost a little stature in her eyes.

But she did do one thing that helped me. She was able to give me a name to what was bothering me. In a word, it is LOSS.

I have lost a lot of things over the years and did not consciously know how much they affected me. I have lost passion. I have no passion for anything anymore. No work, no hobbies, no nothing. Well, I do have a passion about my grandkids, and for my Country and fighting Socialism and Obama-Lama, but that is a whole different topic. But nothing else exciting that makes me want to sleep in a hurry so I can get up and do it again.

I have lost the desire to compete. I have always wanted to be the best. To be in the game. To be a competitor. I was such a competitor that I would come in first, third and fifth in a jack-off contest. But I don’t do anything that I have to try to outdo anyone anymore.

I have lost excellent health, hair, eye sight, teeth and hearing, not to mention stamina.

I have lost friends.

I have lost a bit of confidence. I know I have stuff to offer people. I can be a good friend or a horrible enemy. But I’m not that sure anyone wants my friendship. I wouldn’t if I were someone else.

There are other things, but you get the idea. It’s the loss of things in my life that will probably never return. I am fighting the sensation now of feeling like I am whining and being a bore, but I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking for answers.

Are my feelings of loss normal? I’ve never been old before, so this is all new to me. And most of you have never been old before either, but do any of you have any of the feelings of loss? Am I really nuts or am I just going through another phase like a later version of mid-life crises?

I am a true Libra, too. I see both sides of stuff. With all the dark feelings, I also love to look at the sky, and the mountains. I love the rain and storms and anything to do with nature. I have Judy and the family. I know I have a lot in my life to be thankful for, and I am. But these losses are really bothering me.

I am sorry to say all this shit, and I promise you I will never bore you with anything like this again. I will go back to the jokes and hating socialism and Obama soon, but now I would really like to know your opinions. I mean an honest opinion.


Sarge Charlie said...

dude, get help. I have been there done that, drank booze and used dope to take it away and it will not go away.

30 years after I left Vietnam the VA determined I had PTSD, they gave me a little pill (zoloft, just 25 mg) and all the shit went away.

I no longer want to kill myself, I can have a conversation with out crying, life is good.

good luck

Mike Golch said...

I have to agree with Sarge Charlie,
get help.
for my 1,000th posting I have a good one planned.I will talk about some of the stuff that i have not talked about in my blog for some time.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Sorry, I'll have to read it later I don't have time for other people's problems....

CI-Roller Dude said...

OK, it's later. My outlook on life has changed in the last few years. As long as there is anyone left on the planet that I care about, I will keep going. I have 2 sons who I care about, as well as some really special people and one I love greatly. That's my motivation.
I've lost family and friends--I miss them, but I don't dwell on that...
But, treat everyday like it's your last time you'll see the onese you love...because an IED might get them tomorrow.
Don't hate anyone...if you have to hate, limit it to only TWO people. If you find somebody you must hate, you have to take one person off the list before you can add a new person. That cuts down on bad things that hurt your heart.
Don't complain all day...limit it to a few minutes---you can make that time period whatever you think you need...but once you've made that time for the day, stop complaining...because then it's whinning. and nobody likes a whinner.
Help those who need your help--without question...and expect nothing in return.

Kanani said...

You say you've lost passion and in past posts you've said you were in a funk you can't shake off. I think it sounds like clinical depression, and you'd be wise to heed the words of others and get help. There are low cost of no cost support groups in your area. Contact your local hospital and see if they have a depression support group to start.

Also, computer stuff --it can be pretty isolating. Are you scheduling it in like anything else, then getting on to the rest of your day?

Sorry about the lady friend. Frankly, I've seen more May/December romances that have taken off and both have found deep emotional rewards. Maybe she just couldn't get over the age difference --that's always a risk. In the long run, she's the one who has lost out.

Try to look at the possibilities of what your life can be. It's what got you up when you had that zest. They are there --you just have to take that first step.
Good luck, thinking of you!

Kanani said...

A few years ago, an acquaintance called me. He was on the street. I told him to call NAMI. They set him up with a local reference. He says they saved his life. Likewise, I used them when it came to helping my own son.

Coffeypot said...

Guys, thank you so much for your comments and suggestions (and your humor.) All of you are military or retired, ex or spouse military and I respect your opinions greatly.

Sgt. Charlie, I have read about your bouts with PTSD and the evils that followed. I don’t think I have PTSD, though. I know there are different kinds other than combat related, and I was never in combat where someone who didn’t like me and tried to put strange objects in my mama’s number three son’s body.

I was in therapy for awhile and, too, was on Zoloft. I could never tell the change, though my wife said she could. But after awhile I even had thought of suicide, so I chunked that shit and didn’t go back. I didn’t like the therapy either. I always felt like shit after leaving. It didn’t help.

Mike, thanks and I will look forward to your 1,000’s post.

CI - Dude I agree with all you said. I know that I have many great things in my life and I do love my kids, step-kids and grandkids. I don’t hate people. Someone fucks with me and they are history. They do not exist in my world. I don’t think about them or fantasies about doing them harm. They simply do not exist. But I like your advice to have on one or two at a time. I don’t complain or whine either. That is part of the problem. It’s all inside, even my wife doesn’t know most of the stuff that bother me.

Kanani, thank you for your advice and the link. I did go there was look it over. I also know you do great work for the guys over there and for your husband who is a miracle worker and taking care of our guys. Send him my appreciation and thanks, please. And as for the lady, she is still around and is a very special person to me, but there will never be anything else between us other than friendship. I even told her it as a father-daughter thing and she got mad. She said it is a friend to friend thing and the cherishes it because she can count on and trust me.

All, I know what I have. I have what my shrink called Clinical Depression. I don’t have manic highs or depressing, debilitating lows. I am not suicidal. Crap, miss the stuff my grandkids do and missing out on who and what the will become??? To hurt my wife or anyone who feels anything for me just for a selfish act? Sorry! Not gonna happen.

What bouts of depression I have is nothing compared to what true depressed people are going through. I just had a bout with and a shock to realize I am actually getting old. I have been thinking about it, and there is nothing I can do about it. It is just a fact. So lets get back to the humor.

Brother Dave said...

I do believe that as we age our brain chemistry changes. And it has to be different for different people.

Sarge Charlie mentions how Zoloft helped him. And if I were struggling with the same feelings I would hope there is some psychotropic drug out there that could help me.

My work (job) involves some responsibilities that give me a feeling of self-worth. If I were to retire I think that I could so easily go down the tubes emotionally / psychologically.

The condition your condition is in is probably normal (at our age), all things considered.

There are natural supplements for which claims exist for getting brain chemistry back on track. Have you researched any of that?

Hey, good luck my friend.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Did I mention that after being a cop for 30 years, I've developed a good "style" of helping good people with a little mental hic up...(nobody likes the term "mental Illness")
Talking to an expert usually helps...sometimes a prescription helps...But what you may suffer from is "NES" or "LOS"
It's a problem that hurts millions of Americans every day...many times it goes untreated because the person suffering doesn't know how to ask for's embarrassing....

Not Enough Sex or
Lack Of Sex is a big should get it treated right away...and eventually you'll learn to never ask me for help...because my Real MOS in Iraq and Bosnia was....

Coffeypot said...

Dude, I have plenty of sex,and maybe one day I will find a lady to join me.

Unknown said...

oh my gosh...I've had quality time puking into the porcelain throne this weekend and missed your post!
You've received awesome advice, I hope you will follow through.
Depression is a scary illness, scary for those who suffer with it and scary for those who love those suffering. That dark cloud does not go away, without help.
Please take care of yourself, you are worth it!

When Darkness Falls... said...

As you know, I also have my days. I am not quite as old as you, but I am not young anymore either!

From reading my blog (when I used to post) I'm sure you realize one of my biggest struggles has been with loss. As I have said before, I know more people in heaven than I do left here on eath. It is an intimidating feeling at times.

I think another part of the struggle is with change. Not only do our bodies change but our roll in our family and society changes as we age. One day you realize you are still viewing yourslef as you did 20 years ago but the world has moved on.

A few months after mom died I was put on an anti-depressant. I agreed to stay on it for a year. Like you, I couldn't tell much difference, but others could. I went off it after exactly one year. I still have days where I just want to be left alone and roll up in to a ball on the couch. My biggest motivator is I do not ever want to feel like I did back then. I didn't have sucidal thoughts, I just didn't care about anything.

After I went of the meds I started blogging. It helped me to get the feelings out when I couldn't actually talk to anyone about the shit. I think it is normal to feel some of the things you are. I also think talking to someone, whether it is on here or in person, might also help. Also, I have to agree with Brother Dave (since it isn't about politics!) maybe look in to some natural supplements.

I'll be praying for you.

Kanani said...

Would love to talk more about what hubby does, but I can't. In fact, he didn't even know where he was going until he was there!
But what I can tell you is that he not only helps the soldiers, but also the locals who are injured or sick.
It's very rewarding work, and we're all very proud of him.

Okay, so try scheduling your time a bit differently. Sounds like more unipolar depression than bipolar. I used to go to a NAMI caregiver's support meeting on Saturdays. I got such great understanding there, that I always have good words to say about the local groups.

Coffeypot said...

BD, I agree that it is probably just the aging process taking hold. Retirement is good, too. But you have to find something to keep the mind flowing without taking on another full time job. I have my animal transports and transporting for the local Ford Dealership (though that hasn’t happened in awhil.)

AM, sorry you have been hollering for Ralph about going to Europe. Hope you feel better now.

WDF, you know!! Thanks for your comment and for understanding. I hope you get back to blogging soon. Let me know when it happens because I enjoyed your older stuff.

Kanani, from what I have read on your site and others, I believe your husband is a surgeon. I know the medical groups do great work for the civilians in their areas and get little or no recognition for their efforts. All the medical personal, especially the combat medics and corpsmen who are right there doing miracles with nothing more than a shoestring and an aspirin. Thanks for your concern, too. I will look more into NAMI and see where it goes.

Anonymous said...

I am going with CI Roller Dude and say get some help and as far as a passion you mentioned it. Your Grand kids that is your passion. Teach them things and tell them stories about you and when you were a kid. My daughters love talking to there grand father and Great grandfather because it is so interesting hearing what they have to say. So I believe your passion is for your grandkids, go ahead and spoil them rotten.

Cooper Green said...

Lots of pissing and moaning in this post, John, but I don't see a single word about what's really important. Your new blog layout looks great! Once you get over yourself, maybe you can spend a few minutes telling us how long it took Bug and J-Man to do this for you.

Lindi said...

Sometimes other medication's side effects are that they can cause depression.
I was reading the insert for my high blood pressure medication and there it was ..possible side effect- Depression.
Also the anti-depression medication I am taking also lists depression as a possible side effect...can't win for losing sometimes LOL.

The way the economy and world is today is enough to depress anyone.

Zoloft might not have worked for you, but maybe something else will. Not everything works for everybody.

Hope all goes well with your grandson

Unknown said...

Pot... I haven't abandoned you...just thinking about the funk you're batteling. My Judi has regular bouts of depression. She is fighting that feeling even tonight. Last night she was fine. Tonight, a totally different person. She seems helpless to overcome it and I, in turn, am helpless to bring her out of it. All I can do is to be her constant encourager and steadfast companion. If I were there with you, I would do the same for you. But know that I am doing so in spirit, my friend. You are in my thoughts and I consider you a found friend whom I appreciate and admire very much. God Bless...

Bob said...

I agree with Lindi.

Get help, and if one med isn't quite right, try another one. I can't remember how many I tried before I found the right one for my anxiety, and all of them were depression meds. One of my best friends has anxiety as well, the med that works for me fucks him all up. The one he's taking made me want to blow my brains out (not because of suicidal feelings, but it had side effects so annoying that I couldn't stand it).