A few post ago I talked about what to do when you couldn’t talk to anyone. I got some good advice and I even believe some of you were sincere. I don’t like to talk about my problems and concerns because I was raise to believe that you worked on or solved your own problems because nobody really gives a shit about your stuff. They are trying to deal with their own problems. But this time I am going to talk to you peeps, because I want to know if it is just me with these feelings or do y’all experience them, too. Am I really nuts or just sharing the same feeling as some of you.
For around two years I have had these feelings and I couldn’t put a finger on what was bother me. Sometimes I would feel so sad and other times I would get into a dark mood with self doubt and self pity. I could never figure out why they would come along. Something inside be was kicking them off, but what?
Being the private ass-hole that I am, I couldn’t talk about it. Judy would notice and ask what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know. She wouldn’t know what to say or do because she sees the world through rose colored glasses and does not understand depression at all.
Over the past couple of months two guys I went to high school with passed away. Their dying didn’t bother me. They were not my friends in school, we were just on the same football team and had a few classes together. I didn’t even practically like the fuckers. So their death didn’t bother me, but the fact that they are my age did. But I didn’t know why.
Then I met this lady. We have know about each other through mutual friends for awhile, but had not talked to each other. Then one day we were talking and it was wonderful. We laughed and played around and talked and talked. She made me happy and feel worthy again. No! Nothing physical. I’ve never even held her hand or touched her. I can’t imagine she would ever want to because she is so beautiful and sexy, and I am old enough to be her father. But she did make me feel that I still might have a little something left that could please a woman. But things were so nice I guess that would have been the next progression. However, we just talked, and it was wonderful.
She confided some things to me, some of her darkest secrets. I would talk to her about the stuff, laugh with her, get mad at her and yell at her and worry about her feelings. And I though, this just might be someone I could tell what I am thinking and feeling. I did, and POW, things changed. She cooled off toward me. I felt that she lost some of the respect for me. She knows that will go to my grave without telling anyone the things she confided to me, but I think I lost a little stature in her eyes.
But she did do one thing that helped me. She was able to give me a name to what was bothering me. In a word, it is LOSS.
I have lost a lot of things over the years and did not consciously know how much they affected me. I have lost passion. I have no passion for anything anymore. No work, no hobbies, no nothing. Well, I do have a passion about my grandkids, and for my Country and fighting Socialism and Obama-Lama, but that is a whole different topic. But nothing else exciting that makes me want to sleep in a hurry so I can get up and do it again.
I have lost the desire to compete. I have always wanted to be the best. To be in the game. To be a competitor. I was such a competitor that I would come in first, third and fifth in a jack-off contest. But I don’t do anything that I have to try to outdo anyone anymore.
I have lost excellent health, hair, eye sight, teeth and hearing, not to mention stamina.
I have lost friends.
I have lost a bit of confidence. I know I have stuff to offer people. I can be a good friend or a horrible enemy. But I’m not that sure anyone wants my friendship. I wouldn’t if I were someone else.
There are other things, but you get the idea. It’s the loss of things in my life that will probably never return. I am fighting the sensation now of feeling like I am whining and being a bore, but I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking for answers.
Are my feelings of loss normal? I’ve never been old before, so this is all new to me. And most of you have never been old before either, but do any of you have any of the feelings of loss? Am I really nuts or am I just going through another phase like a later version of mid-life crises?
I am a true Libra, too. I see both sides of stuff. With all the dark feelings, I also love to look at the sky, and the mountains. I love the rain and storms and anything to do with nature. I have Judy and the family. I know I have a lot in my life to be thankful for, and I am. But these losses are really bothering me.
I am sorry to say all this shit, and I promise you I will never bore you with anything like this again. I will go back to the jokes and hating socialism and Obama soon, but now I would really like to know your opinions. I mean an honest opinion.