Monday, December 07, 2009

Redneck Monday

Two Post! One late yesterday and this one. Enjoy both!

THE DIFFEREENCES BETWEEN THE NORTH AND THE SOUTH

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the Rust Belt, the South has the Bible Belt.

and

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH. . .

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in big ol' truck or big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper

Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this shit," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there..

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, jus' 'cause the cat had kittens in the oven, don't mean we're gonna call 'em biscuits.

6 comments:

Secretia said...

That was fun to read.

I am afraid of that tire inflator thing, I carry a spare.

Secretia

Ed Adams said...

Does this mean I'm really a Southerner, since both of my parents are from the south?

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Um, wow. This is sounds a bit familiar. There is a slight suggestion of snow, and I feel the need to go to the grocery store. All Ya'll don't know, but in the South, we love our dollar general's now. We also end most sentences with a word that doesn't exactly belong there now. You see, I faught this on number on occassions due to the fact that I was raised in the North, but now find myself speaking as clearly as the locals.... Damn it now.

Coffeypot said...

Secretia, I wouldn't try that either.

Ed, only if you parents are actully related.

HBDuhn, glad you are learning the correct anglish.

kys said...

Bwahahahaha!!! Y'all know I'm from WV. I'm sending this to my friend back home.

Coffeypot said...

kys, send away! It ain't mine, but urin welcome to pass it along to anyone ya want to.