Redneck Monday Addendum - Fishing For Catfish

Now, here is a genuine red neck performance.

Don't get much Redneck’er than this.

Now you know why I don't fish anymore. I sobered up!!!

I used to hear that if a snapping turtle bit you he would not let go until it thunders! On of the men I use to work with had a nickname of "Boom Boom" because of that very belief. He got his hand snapped by a snapping turtle and he was trying to shake it of yelling, "BOOM, BOOM" trying to sound like thunder.

Man it's great being a redneck.

Redneck Monday - Things A Redneck Will Not Say

40 Things You’ll Never Hear A Redneck Say

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

3 Gutars And A Tractor

Who needs a metronome or drums? No one when some rednecks get together for a little down-home barn picking - even if the rednecks are from another country. Redneck is Redneck anywhere. Bless their hearts.

Thanks, Jim!

Redneck Monday - The Poem

Here's the Old Redneck himself. Notice the cap says RIGID but I wrote Sometimes under it. The women give me a double take and shake their head looking at me with pitiful eyes. Sad they can't take a joke.

On the bright side, though, - I think - I am trying to grow my first beard. I look more like a wino than a studly man about the briar patch right now. But give it some time and I will be beating the women off with my Louisville Slugger (like Hell I will.)

Speaking of studly, I present for your Monday Redneck a poem of true love and devotion. So powerful that I know there will be panty-puddin all over the country. Steady girls. You'll be alright before you know it.


Collards is green,
My dog’s name is Blue,
And I’m so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like con silk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
Which excite me in May?
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
Just a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
Right out of the can.

You have some’a yore teeth,
For which I am proud:
I hold my head high
When we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And fiux what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those fire ants
I found in my bed.

Your cut from the best cloth
Like a plaid flannel shirt,
You park up my life
More than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These won’t do.
Cause yor’e too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste or oder,
More useful than diamonds…
IT’S A NEW TROLL’N MOTER!

Now, wipe those tears, girls. I know your man loves you just as much, too.
.
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Redneck Monday - Extreme Rednecks

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Redneck Monday - Pick-Up Lines

Redneck Pick-Up Lines:

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I' d store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep till afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

14) Your eyes are as pretty as two hen turds in a bowl of clabber.

15) Darlin', your ears are a cut as mud-flaps on a gopher’s ass.

Now I know you ladies are swooning already, but pull yourself together. I wasn’t applying my Southern Redneck charm directly at you. I was just giving you an example of what to expect when you meet some of us good ole boys. When you do, THEN you can let the ‘panty puddin’ begin.
.
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Redneck Monday

Two Post! One late yesterday and this one. Enjoy both!

THE DIFFEREENCES BETWEEN THE NORTH AND THE SOUTH

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the Rust Belt, the South has the Bible Belt.

and

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH. . .

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in big ol' truck or big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper

Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this shit," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there..

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, jus' 'cause the cat had kittens in the oven, don't mean we're gonna call 'em biscuits.

Rednecks - Y'all Gotta Love Us

(Thanks Paxford)
As I mentioned on Friday, I am starting a new series called Redneck Monday. We are a bunch of good folks who love to laugh - especially at ourselves. So enjoy this first installment. Also, if you see any you like, take’em with ya and pass’em on.


(click to biggersize)

or

Here are a few tidbits I picked up by state:

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana . "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."


You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
.
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Rednecks Are Loved

It has been suggested that I start a weekly post about Rednecks. I think I will. After all I am one. I was raised by one. I have lived among’em all my life. And regardless of the stereotypical image the weirdywood movies and television portrays, we are a great bunch of people and I am proud to be considered a redneck.

BUT

The humor associated with rednecks is classic. I am not offended by redneck jokes just as I am not offended by Irish jokes as I am of Irish decent. So I think I will start making Mondays Redneck Monday. So, since today is Friday, I think I will start it today.

There is one thing you Yankees need to know. If you want to live among us you must be educated as to the ways and means of being raised in the South.

So if you study real hard you will be awarded one of these and you will not be made fun of by your redneck brothering.
Enjoy!


Some Rednecks Have The Best of Everything


Man's Best Friend Will Get Him Home Everytime


Even Good-ole-Boys Like to Cruise For Chicks


I Bet The Steaks Will Taste Like Shit


Now Do You Really Want To Vist These People?


15 Miles To A Bag of Oats


"How long ya been farming?"

Redneck Christmas Lights

Some of us Southern boys wear the handle ‘Red Neck’ with pride.

It brings up a vision of people who, although might not be highly educated, are true, loyal friends who will give you the shirt off their back if you need warming. They will cover your six if you are in trouble and are patriotic to a fault.

Their families are close and cousins play with each other and are best friends. All the kids answer to any mom or dads close by and had better not show disrespect to anyone older than them. Yet, if you cross one, you will have the whole family to deal with.

Good old boys who will be out in the rain or snow working on your car or truck if you are broken down and need the help.

People that will be at your door with a platter of food if you are sick or there’s a death in the family.

They love their cars and trucks and know all the NASCAR drives names, car numbers and the names of their wives and girlfriends. The also take their football and baseball seriously and will wear their favorite teams school or team colors and t-shirts with pride - though some never made it out of high school.

Having a red-neck for a friend means you are a good person and you will have a friend for life - unless you cross him. Then you will have Hell to pay.

But sometimes they can go too far. That’s when their humor really comes out. And this is an example of their humor.


Now that thar is funny, I don't care who you are.

Special Notice From The Pentagon

 

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday.