Monday, January 18, 2010

Redneck Monday - The Poem

Here's the Old Redneck himself. Notice the cap says RIGID but I wrote Sometimes under it. The women give me a double take and shake their head looking at me with pitiful eyes. Sad they can't take a joke.

On the bright side, though, - I think - I am trying to grow my first beard. I look more like a wino than a studly man about the briar patch right now. But give it some time and I will be beating the women off with my Louisville Slugger (like Hell I will.)

Speaking of studly, I present for your Monday Redneck a poem of true love and devotion. So powerful that I know there will be panty-puddin all over the country. Steady girls. You'll be alright before you know it.

Collards is green,
My dog’s name is Blue,
And I’m so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like con silk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
Which excite me in May?
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
Just a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
Right out of the can.

You have some’a yore teeth,
For which I am proud:
I hold my head high
When we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And fiux what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those fire ants
I found in my bed.

Your cut from the best cloth
Like a plaid flannel shirt,
You park up my life
More than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These won’t do.
Cause yor’e too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste or oder,
More useful than diamonds…

Now, wipe those tears, girls. I know your man loves you just as much, too.


Mike Golch said...

so you are a little left of center with your humor.I can dig it.

Paxford said...

Sniffle... so heart warming!


Anonymous said...

Rednecking sounds honest.


AirmanMom said...

Oh how I wish my man would shower me with such sweet words!

blueviolet said...

Any woman would surely swoon.

Ace said...

When I die I'm having them bury me in the tool department at Sears so my husband will visit me.

Erin said...

Oh wow. Panty puddin' indeed.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Now that thar' is a migghty fine po-em.
Rigid used to put out some pretty good calanders.

powdergirl said...

All I can say about that hat, Coffey, is that I'm glad you haven't had to switch to the 'Snap On" brand as yet.

Do you have "Snap On Tools" distributers over there? I laugh every time I see those trucks, because I'm very, very mature.

A lovely poem, quite touching.

Special K said...

Actually your hat says RIDGID and I am still trying to figure out what that means. ;)

Matty said...

I'm so impressed. You have quite the redneck talent. Very good.

Daffy said...

If I had panties on there surely would be puddin....

I wouldn't mind parfume smellin like snuff...hubs is winter green. I like that minty smell

And a trollin' motor would be just fine :O)