Monday, February 08, 2010

Redneck Monday - Etiquette


REDNECK ETIQUETTE
*Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
*When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
*Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
*When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
*Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
*Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
*Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
*Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
*If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
*While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
*Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
*While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
*Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
*Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jeweler and alter the taste of finger foods

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
*A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
*Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
*If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DINING OUT
*When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup & pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
*If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


DATING (Outside the Family)
*Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
*Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
*If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
*Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
*Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
*Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
*Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
*Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
*When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
*A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
*For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
*Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
*Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
*It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-*Haul to the funeral home.
*The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
*Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

8 comments:

Secretia said...

You understand those rednecks, you do.

Miss Em said...

It crosses my mind that you sure do "KNOW" a lot of those rules. ;) Miss Em

powdergirl said...

I'm a tiny bit more refined in my etiquette, I even know that white wine goes with a cat-fish burgers and red wine goes with all recycled-pet-burgers. Except cat, you can have beer, white wine, red, sparkling, rose', or even moonshine, with cat burgers.

I hope this has been of help for anyone hoping to better themselves by improving their knowledge of the culinary do and don'ts one runs into when one achieves a loftier 'place' in local and culturally aware society..

Oh, and when decanting the hooch from the ceramic jug, avoid using the thumb-hook, behind-and-over-the-shoulder method. Its considered crass within the upper echelons of red-neck society.

blueviolet said...

Tips for dating outside the family....LOL

Coffeypot said...

Secretia, I be one.

Miss Em, I be one.

Powder, great pointers. Thanks for helping me out. But I have been eating pussies with with, beer and even Coke for years.

Bluev, there is a difference.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I've been trying to figure out the difference between rednecks and hillbilly's for years now. Hubs' says that hillbilly's have better manners. And rednecks are just wanna be hillbilly's they just can't seem to get it right...

I'm still on the fence.

Pamela said...

groan.

The Peach Tart said...

Being from a white trash and redneck family, these things rang too true to home.