REDNECK ETIQUETTE *Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. *When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. *Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. *When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. *Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. *Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. *Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
PERSONAL HYGIENE *Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. *If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. *While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. *Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. *While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. *Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. *Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jeweler and alter the taste of finger foods
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME *A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. *Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. *If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DINING OUT *When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup & pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. *If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
DATING (Outside the Family) *Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. *Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go." *If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. *Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE *Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. *Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS *Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. *Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. *When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. *A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent. *For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS *Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. *Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. *Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. *It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. *Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-*Haul to the funeral home. *The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. *Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.