Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Girlie Wisdom

I ran across this list of Girlie things and, since I am always looking for ways to get laid, I thought y’all might get a chuckle or learn something by reading this. It if worked, call me.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap.Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile! Because I don't know what the hell is going on.

31. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

32. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

33. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

34. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

35. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

36. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..

37. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

38. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

39. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

40. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

41. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

42. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.

43. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

And I hope you have a perfect day, too.


rxBambi said...

how does #32 happen? it is one of lifes greatest mysteries :)

LL said...

There are two theories about understanding women -- both of them are wrong.

Lickety Splitter said...

18 and 42. ;)

Hah ... your getting laid wish must be influencing the word verifiation cuz it is .........

horni asy

Ace said...

I like the one about the woman that confused her valium and birth control pills. I always thought a better way of treating my kids' ADHD would have been to drug me instead of them.

Coffeypot said...

rxBambi, you know what they say, 'Everything you like is either illegal, immoral or fatning.' It's true on so many levels.

LL, I gave up on trying years ago.

Lickety, that's me all right. I'm having sex four or five times a week, and about every three months my wife joins me.

ACE, now that would work.

clew said...

I have used a variant of #1 for 15 years now:

My first husband and I divorced over religious differences. I am southern baptist and he is Satan.

AirmanMom said...

These are great! Thanks for the much needed chuckle!

gayle said...

This is so funny!! I not sure how good it's going to help you!:)

Miss Em said...

I'm stealing #39 so when people who are skinny tell me I need to exercise I can give them this answer. ;D

Miss Em