Friday, July 30, 2010

HEY BLOGGER KIDS, WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT’S NUDE BLOGGING TIME, UNCLE POT!
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)



Alright peeps! Let’s settle down now…
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)

Okay! Thank you, now lets get on with the post…
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)

SHUTIT, DAMMIT!
(cricket - cricket)

Thank you! Now own with the show.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!
******
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend..

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;

I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico!
*****

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
*****

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
*****

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

...Apparently the correct answer is:

'Fiji Islands'.

Now! Does anyone want to come and sit on my lap and tell me what you have learned today?
(crickets - crickets)

Ingrates!
.
.

7 comments:

Nancy said...

Love it, love it, love it !!! Damn, you're good !!!

Ed said...

hahahaha

Glad you made it, Old timer.

Paxford said...

Giggle.. snort... *reaches for more popcorn*

Kettle

Daffy said...

....shaking head....I learn something every time I come here! I might try that siren thing....think it works the same on men as it does cats? No matter I suppose since the man I have in mind is a *ahem* cat....

June said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Weezer said...

Is there no end.........
You really do crack me up!

Lickety Splitter said...

Three cheers for the nekked blogger!