I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class (okay, that there should tell you this is a joke) to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
‘NO!' the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all yelled 'NOOOO!!!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FRIKIN' DEAD!"
A curious race, we Irish.
Yeah! I know! But maybe this one is a little better.
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, Father Frank, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'
'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.'
'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'
But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'
Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.'
'But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.