Saturday, January 01, 2011

A Little New Year's Day Humor - Very Little

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly:
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
New Year’s Diet

New Year's Day Prayer for One and All:
Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.


New Year Jokes - One Liners:
~ To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
~ The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
~ When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.  I gave up thinking.
~ Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover:
1.You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"


Maude Lynn said...

My response to "good morning" is always "be quiet!"

Coffeypot said...

MZ, mine is 'move, I've gotta pee.'

Anonymous said...

LOL - cute. Thanks for the laugh.

Jamie said...

A perfect way to start a brand new year, more funny stuff from Coffey. Big hugs to you and thank you for your kind words over the past months. A man's insight is appreciated. J. :)

gayle said...

Every morning I feel like I have a hangover! I guess that's a sign of "old age"!

Love these!

Riley Carson said...

"I'm never drinking again... until next time."

Lickety Splitter said...

Hey man of many jokes. I love them.

"You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets."

I think this, and I don't drink. I'm just not a morning person!