Monday, January 31, 2011


1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

14· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

16· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

If you've seen these before...sorry!


myevil3yearold said...

13 and 14 were really good

Thanks for starting my day wife a laugh

Alexandra said...

OK, that made me laugh out loud.

Thank you

SY said...

when I first read the post I was keeping track of which ones i thought were funniest.. but then I lost track so..


anon said...

I think those all have staying power, because they're true. I've read them before, but I still laughed.

A joke for you:

Traveling salesman knocks on a door. 10 year old boy answers the door in his underwear. He's got a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of neat scotch in the other hand, and a rolled up Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman asks: "Is your Mom or Dad home?"
Kid answers: "What the fuck do you think?"

Heartwarming, isn't it : ) ?

Miss Em said...

I'm taking a day of rest as you suggested and catching up on my reading....

;~0 BWAHahahahahahahahah

Lots of smiles...

THANK YOU...who loves her "Blog-Daddy"

Miss Em