Humorous Quotes From Famous People

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (Mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “Not good in bed, but fine against the wall.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I have ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister and now I wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

Santa Clause has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint. -  Mark Twain

By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

I was married by a Judge.  I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marks

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. – Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield

Money doesn’t buy you happiness…but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. – Joe Namath

I don’t feel old.  I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.  – Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. – W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true life begins at fifty.  But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

and finally...

If it tastes good, spit it out. – A Cardiologist's Advice.