EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

AT THE BEGINNING OF MY SHIFT I PLACED A STETHOSCOPE ON AN ELDERLY AND SLIGHTLY DEAF FEMALE PATIENT'S ANTERIOR CHEST WALL.

'BIG BREATHS,' I INSTRUCTED.

'YES, THEY USED TO BE,' REPLIED THE PATIENT.

xxxxx

WHILE ACQUAINTING MYSELF WITH A NEW ELDERLY PATIENT, I ASKED, ' HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN BEDRIDDEN?'

AFTER A LOOK OF COMPLETE CONFUSION SHE ANSWERED, ' WHY, NOT FOR ABOUT TWENTY YEARS - WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS ALIVE.'

xxxxx

I WAS PERFORMING ROUNDS AT THE HOSPITAL ONE MORNING AND WHILE CHECKING UP ON A MAN I ASKED, ' SO HOW'S YOUR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?'

'IT'S VERY GOOD EXCEPT FOR THE KENTUCKY JELLY.  I CAN'T SEEM TO GET USED TO THE
TASTE.’ BOB REPLIED.

I THEN ASKED TO SEE THE JELLY AND BOB PRODUCED A FOIL PACKET LABELED ' KY JELLY. '

xxxxx

A NURSE WAS ON DUTY IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WHEN A YOUNG WOMAN WITH PURPLE HAIR STYLED INTO A PUNK ROCKER MOHAWK, SPORTING A VARIETY OF TATTOOS, AND WEARING STRANGE CLOTHING, ENTERED. 

IT WAS QUICKLY DETERMINED THAT THE PATIENT HAD ACUTE APPENDICITIS, SO SHE WAS SCHEDULED FOR IMMEDIATE SURGERY. 

WHEN SHE WAS COMPLETELY DISROBED ON THE OPERATING TABLE, THE STAFF NOTICED THAT HER PUBIC HAIR HAD BEEN DYED GREEN AND ABOVE IT THERE WAS A TATTOO THAT READ, ' KEEP OFF THE GRASS.'

ONCE THE SURGERY WAS COMPLETED, THE SURGEON WROTE A SHORT NOTE ON THE PATIENT'S DRESSING, WHICH SAID, 'SORRY!  I HAD TO MOW THE LAWN.’

xxxxx

AS A NEW, YOUNG MD DOING HIS RESIDENCY IN OB I WAS QUITE EMBARRASSED WHEN PERFORMING FEMALE PELVIC EXAMS.  TO COVER MY EMBARRASSMENT I HAD UNCONSCIOUSLY FORMED A HABIT OF WHISTLING SOFTLY.

THE MIDDLE-AGED LADY UPON WHOM I WAS PERFORMING THIS EXAM SUDDENLY BURST
OUT LAUGHING AND FURTHER EMBARRASSING ME.

I LOOKED UP FROM MY WORK AND SHEEPISHLY SAID, ‘I'M SORRY.  WAS I TICKLING YOU? '

SHE REPLIED WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN HER CHEEKS FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, ' NO DOCTOR BUT THE SONG YOU WERE WHISTLING WAS ' I WISH I WAS AN OSCAR MAYER WIENER.'

xxxxx

A WOMAN AND A BABY WERE IN THE DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM, WAITING FOR THE DOCTOR TO COME IN FOR THE BABY'S FIRST EXAM.

THE DOCTOR ARRIVED AND EXAMINED THE BABY, CHECKED HIS WEIGHT, AND BEING
A LITTLE CONCERNED, ASKED IF THE BABY WAS BREAST-FED OR BOTTLE-FED.

'BREAST-FED, ' SHE REPLIED.

‘WELL, STRIP DOWN TO YOUR WAIST,' THE DOCTOR ORDERED.

SHE DID AND HE PINCHED HER NIPPLES, PRESSED, KNEADED, AND RUBBED BOTH
BREASTS FOR A WHILE IN A VERY PROFESSIONAL AND DETAILED EXAMINATION.

MOTIONING TO HER TO GET DRESSED, THE DOCTOR SAID, ' NO WONDER THIS BABY
IS UNDERWEIGHT. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MILK.'

‘I KNOW,' SHE SAID, 'I'M HIS GRANDMA.’

xxxxx