Funny Sayings To Start The Weekend

Hey Peeps, how about some humor to start the weekend.  Okay? Great!  And if you find any, let me know so I can enjoy them, too. 

Anyjoke, I did find these little tidbits about life and marriage and stuff.  I think we all have had similar thoughts at one time or the other.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’

I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.  After that who cares? He`s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much additional can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

I always wanted to have someone to love.  And now that you’ve come into my life I’ve changed my mind.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either!

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.

Divorce: The past tense of marriage.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.  After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

All marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Shopping is better than sex.  At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.