Monday, March 19, 2012

Security Levels Raised World Wide and Explaned By John Cleese

Peeps, it seems the whole world is raising their security level these days.  To explain how, John Cleese has this to offer:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."  Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person!

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.  Welcome back to 430 BC.


Mike Golch said...

good ones.

Momma Fargo said...

Like them. I might resemble some of those. Tee hee

Janie Junebug said...

Hilarious -- especially about the French. Such wusses.


Paxford said...

Never fear - She'll be right mate! :)

[you only have to worry about Australians when we STOP cracking idiot jokes and get dead serious]


Dave Keller said...

I love this post! Very imaginative and creative! All the level descriptions fit the countries too.

GunDiva said...


I giggled the whole way through this, thanks.

lorraine said...

Don't and I seriously mean don't piss off the Aussies. There was one Aussie guy in Afghanistan who was wounded and was carried out on the grill of a jeep to keep shooting at the bloody bastards until he was dead rather than anyone get a hold of his dead body. Those guys fight to the very end and never give up!! By the way the SOB (lovingly said) survived!. love ya.

Coffeypot said...

Hey, Dave. Welcome, but where is your blog?

Lorraine, I know of what you speak. I know several Aussies and I would not piss them off for the world. But they would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. Great people.