Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Learning English

(I changed the picture because I like this one better. It is less offensive to the US Navy and more appropriate to US standards.)

I was wondering, if it takes 20 years to be proficient with Japanese, how long does it take to become proficient with English?????

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

21) The nurse was patient with the patient

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.  We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this. (English is also redundant: English is a language so it doesn't need language added.)

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP your friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP or tickets, work UP an appetite, and thinks UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for a while things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP, so it is time to shut UP!

Now it's UP to you what you do with this post.

Okay, Peeps.  I admit I have too much free time on my hands.  But I didn’t thing this UP.  It was sent to me by email.  I just had to open UP the email, then open UP my word processor, and load UP the email to post to the word processor.  Then I Uploaded it.


NavyOne said...

Haha, thanks for this. You may be wound too tight or perhaps you need new bandages for your wound?

Momma Fargo said...

Oh GOOD NIGHT. I now have a hurt brain. LOL. English overload

lotta joy said...

And when I tell Joe to turn the AC 'up', he always asks "Now, do you want it warmer, or colder?"

And I didn't just make that "up".

Linda said...

This is why call centers overseas have workers who not only have an accent, but use the wrong word. They are mostly unintelligible. Oh, you can understand the word, you just cannot make heads or tails of what they are saying.

Coffeypot said...

N1, good one and should be added to the list.

MF, I hear that happens to blonds. LYLT anyway.

LJ, I have to admit I get confused on that one myself. Are you cold or hot? Do you want it cool or warmer? Now talk slowly so's I'll understand.

Linda, the Indian accents are the hardest to understand. They roll their tongue too much (which can be a good thing if not trying to talk.)

Janie Junebug said...

English really is nuts. I think hamburgers are named after Hamburg, Germany. I've seen a few old movies in which the characters call a hamburger a hamburg.


Old NFO said...

ROTF, all good ones!!! :-)

Coffeypot said...

OldNFO, perhaps some small levity after all your schooling this week.

h50n said...

LOL. English is pretty crazy. After teaching it for a while, you really realise how crazy it gets, and it gets all messed UP when it comes to prepositions!

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