Monday, December 23, 2013

Christmas Gift Suggestions

For all my Peeps out there (especially women) who are trying to figure out what to give that special someone for Christmas, here are a few ideas and explanations on what they are for and what to expect from each one.

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Cleans paint off bolts and then throw them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  It also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes to say, "OH SHIT"!

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Bard principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.  Very effective for digit removal!!!

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new break shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under the lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil can and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50 cent part.

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. 

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.  It works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  It is also especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.  It an easily remove any unwanted digits, too.

And Finally

This is any handy tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "SON OF A BITCH" at the top your lungs.  It is frequently the next tool that you will need, too. 

I hope this is helpful in making those thoughtful gifts that will last (and maim) for a lifetime. 



Janie Junebug said...

Thanks for the help. I almost got something stupid like slippers for Willy Dunne Wooters. Now I know I should dash out to get a tool.


Ed Bonderenka said...

Can finally breathe again, having wiped the tears from my eyes.

Unknown said...

What a nice collection of gifts. I am all in for the saw.

Anonymous said...

Thank god you posted this! ... now I can walk into Sears feeling all educated and buy the exact wrong thing for my husband! .. cause we all know that's what is going to happen regardless.. but I appreciate the lesson! ;)

Old NFO said...

Heh... Yep love it!!!

MSgt B said...

Merry Christmas squidly.

Momma Fargo said...

Wow. What a great idea to write this and have Judy "accidently" read it. LOL. Hope you had a Merry Christmas. I feel like such a tool.

Linda said...

That was hilarious!

HMS Defiant said...

4 years of sea duty as a snipe and the only tool injuries we ever had was the damned screwdrivers. Stitches, oceans of blood, gauze bandages a mile long.
It all comes back to me now.