On The Other Hand...

On the other hand…She had warts.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's a will? A dead give away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Coffeypot the Sage

Words of wisdom from the sage, Coffeypot

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If a first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures.

And you wonder why I like to smell gasoline.

More Words of Wisdom

Words of wisdom! Some you have seen before, but all have a ring of truth.

1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

2. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

3. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

4. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the hips change places.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

9. There is always one more imbecile that you counted on.

10. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a team of educated, trained professionals built the Titanic.

11. It is easier to get forgiveness than to ask for permission.

12. Don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often.

13. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

15. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

16. A person who is nice to you but is rude to the waitress is not a nice person.

17. Its not the jeans that make your ass look fat…it’s the fat.

18. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

19. No one cares if you can’t dance. Just get up and do it.

20. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

And finally,

21. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background is that we are above average drivers