Another MeMe

Ollie, at Ollie Unglued, had this meme and I though you would like...nay LOVE...to know more about me and my deepenst thoughts and feelings. So grab a glass of wine, or a cold bottle of beer, or a glass of ice tea, or your crack pipe and read along:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum and the armadillo it can be done.

What was your last thought?
I’ve never had one, just continuous string of the annoying things.

Are you a cat or a dog person?
Dog! Cats are too stringy and tough to chew.

Define yourself in 3 words.
Tall, Old, Gullible

Kill the spider or let it out?
Watch it for awhile then smash it.

Do you shower every single day?
Yes!

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
Kick him into unconsciousness and take his bottle of Thunder Bird.

Where do you want to travel next?
Iraq or Afghanistan.

What is your favorite food?
Lost my virginity and have become a Sushi fanatic. But I still love Steaks.

Did you read Harry Potter books?
Oh Hell yeah. Though the last two were a bit long and boring.

What is your favorite place?
At a NASCAR track or on the flight deck of a Navy carrier or AF base.

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
To fly along reading peoples minds while looking at their naked bodies with my x-ray vision.

Have you had a beer in the last week?
Having one now.

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Vitamin Water with Scotch.

What is your favorite song of all time?
The One I Am Grooving To At The Time.

When and where was the best picture of you taken?
Never had a good picture of me take anywhere.

Is This Better?

Love Rodney!

Sex With Bea

HOLD IT BOYS AND GIRLS...MAKE SURE THE KIDDIES AND THE STUCKUP PRUDES AND BAPTIST ARE OUT OF THE ROOM BEFORE YOU OPEN THIS ONE...I'M JUST SAYING...

Meet my new girlfriend, Bea. Ain't she a darling?

The Man and the Genie

A man has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy, says the genie. You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the man. 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of water and wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, dude, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

The Assumption Song

This is not my usual stuff, but it's all I have today.
I got it from my brother, Sister Stephen.

OLD GEEZERS

ME AND CHUCK DECIDE THAT WE ARE GETTING CLOSE TO OUR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, WE END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OF US AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, “GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.”

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND CHUCK AND I GO UPSTAIRS TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS.

AS WE WERE WALKING HOME I TURN TO CHUCK AND SAID,
“YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!”

“DEAD?” SAYS CHUCK, “WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?”

“WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS HUMPING HER.”

CHUCK SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SAYS, “COULD BE WORSE. I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.”

“A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?”

“WELL,” HE SAID, “I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND STUFF, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE LOVE BITE. THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER, TOO!”

Three Generals

I told you guys that I sent a couple of days with an old shipmate in Chattanooga last week. Chuck is one of the fingers on my one hand (friends) and I would be glad and feel safe to have him on my six anytime, anhywhere.

Chuck is a deacon in the Catholic Church and as such can give sermons, which he does often, and most everything a priest can do except give absolution and hear confessions and molest little boys.

He is retired from some company where he did photo shoots for catalogs and volunteered his time as a prison minister. He didn’t actually preach in the jails and prisons, he just mostly listen to the men talk. He is well known and loved in the Illinois penal system and in his church community. And he is my friend.

While we were together, I took them down to Kennesaw, GA, to the museum that houses The General, the train William Andrews and his men stole at Big Shanty (now Kennesaw) and started the Great Locomotive Chase. Maryann, his wife, took this picture and Chuck titled it, “The Three Generals.” Cool, huh?

Y'all note: The Haversack Chuck is wearing as a camera case is an actual Civil War Haversack.

Here Again...You Here?

I have deleted my last post. I have to learn to put the keyboard down and back away slowly when I’m exhausted and have had a drink or two. I thank you for your comments and support, but I’m okay. Kind of embarrassed that I let you see that, and it won’t happen again. Life is too good and short to deal with bullshit.


So for you people who stop here (why do you stop here, anyway? It’s not for the literary brilliance because I am not a writer, it’s not for the insightful musings on today’s problems and the idiocy of Barry Obama like some of my brilliant blogger peeps like LL or CI Roller or Blue of Afghan Quest among others, so it must be for the jokes.) So for that reason I give you:
"Eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move
it to the last, it spells its past tense; "ate" .

If you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants", and add
just a few more letters, it spells out: "Fuck off and go home you
free-loading benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English
speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing,
bomb making goat fucking smelly rag head bastards with you."

Who could have ever guessed that last one?

On The Road Again

I’m at it again this weekend. Because my step-daughter and wife are going on a vacation next week (the week I would normally do the transport) so it was moved up a week.

Okay with me, except it means I’ll be away from the PC till I can get into a motel Friday night. So don’t post anything worth reading till I get back, okay?

Later, peeps!

A Beautiful Message

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD...




SHIT!
I forgot what it is...

Mom Watched

My brother and I were out walking in the country one fine summer evening.

I said, "Hey Stephen, you see that grove of trees over there? Well, that's where I had sex for the first time.... we got it on while her mother stood there and watched over us!"

Stephen, being a bit shy and gay, was a little shocked to hear this: "Are you serious? Did her mother say anything?"

"Yeah...... Baaaaaaaaaah!"

I Got Mail

The above photo is of some of the 1140th MP group training in MS.

I am stoked, very happy. But first let me state that I don’t normally do this - talk about things I do outside my blogging sphere. And those I work with on the blogging network I make promise to not mention me when they send out thanks. Reason? Because I don’t do this stuff for recognition, but out of respect and love for those who put themselves in harms way so I can enjoy my blogging life and the freedom of this country.

I have recently become involved in military support (milsupport.) I have four people that I send packages and letters. They are in the Marines, Air Force, Army and National Guard. The Marine, 1st Sgt Michael Burk, will be on his way back to his home base in Hawaii the last of this month. You can read his blog on Castra Prateoria on my blog roll. The others are still imbedded in the shit holes of the earth.

The Air Force guy is a Chief MSgt and has 160 airmen and women imbedded with Army units all over Iraq. His unit is an Intel unit and when I send him stuff, he shares the wealth. He loads it up, climbs on a chopper or a plane and takes it out to his people in the Suck. He is really a class guy, too.

The Army dude is a Lt Col in the medical field. He is a surgeon and is in the middle of some bad shit. He, too, spreads the wealth to his people, who happen to be mostly Navy Corpsmen and the children who come in with injuries received from the Taliban assholes. Y’all read about FOB Keating? The wounded came though his unit. He, too, is a class act and a true hero.

But the reason I am writing about it this time is a couple of weeks ago, Hope, over at Hope Radio, sent out a request for people to adopt a member of a Missouri National Guard Unit (the 1140th MP Co.) The names she had came from the units 1st Sgt, a former contact and supportee of hers, as troops (men and women) who had not received ANY mail in months. She was rewarded with around 15 people wanting to get involved. I got one, packed up a care package and sent an introductory letter to him.

Today I got a thank you email from Spc Robert Grindstaff. He is 22 years old, been in the Army NG for 3 years, working on a degree in Criminal Justice and plans on going to the Police Academy when he returns to MO. He also has a brand new baby girl that he has only spent two weeks with. He does not receive mail from the baby’s mother as he is not married and I don’t know the status of his relationship.

He said, in part, “Thank you so much for the package that you sent, it means a lot to know that there are people back home who still think of us while we are over here at war. Everything has come in handy.”

And “Thank you for the package again, and we are all thinking of all the people back home, its one of the few things that helps us go day to day. Thinking of all of the supporters we have.”

I’ve received many emails from the other guys mentioned, but this one means the most because he has no one writing or supporting him. He seems to have a plan for his life and I will be rooting for him as much as I can.

I can’t explain how proud I am of the men and women who gave up some of their freedoms and a chance to make much more money and date and party and marry and stuff, to serve in a shit hole country and try to make a difference in the world. There are many types of Heroes and these men and women are certainly one type.

There are other types of Heroes on my blog roll, too. LL, CI-Roller Dude, Army of Dude, Citizen Sojak, Citizen Soldier, Kanani Fung - the wife of the Surgeon, Major Perspective, Sgt Charlie, Sgt Grumpy, and my newest blogger, Dacker and, of course, Hope among others. Anytime you want to stop by their place and give them a thank you, will be okay with me.

There are many more like Robert and the other MPs Hope sent out to her contacts. If you want to make a difference in someone’s life, give me or Hope a shout and one of us can tell you how to get started. You won’t regret it.

Hope has men still writing to her that are now discharged and back in the World, and men who are on second and third deployments. Men who send donations to help her in her mailings. Men who she will have as friends for life simply because she took the time to write a letter or send a few things to help them out. They don’t forget.

I know. I would have love to have had a little support from home or from some friends. It is a bummer to see your mates reading and sharing stuff on mail day and you have to rely on a book or a training manual to occupy your mind. I have even volunteered to stand others watches so I wouldn’t have to be part of the stuff in the compartment.

Hope, however, is totally dedicated to this project, much more than I am. Airman Mom, who has two sons in the Air Force (one about to be deployed), also has made lasting friends of people she calls her virtual sons. So if you want to make some lasting friends, and make someone’s life a little better, let one of us know.

And don’t send me any of this ‘Thank You’ shit. Don’t want to hear it. Save it for the troops serving for us and the people on my blog roll. Just so you know…

Now I return your set back over to you and I will restart the debauchery tomorrow.

Later, Peeps!

Conservatives vs Liberals

I found this on a blog that I don’t read, just went there from one I do.

The truest comparison I have ever seen!

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

If a conservative reads this, he'll send his friends & they will have a good laugh.
A liberal won't delete it because he's "offended", he will cry and piss himself and lay in the fetal position in their own urine for the rest of the day because that’s what they do.

The Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.'

COLLEGE TUITION AT WORK

A Giant Caterpillar was found in a College Dorm Room....


I'll bet their parents are proud!

New Bloggin Award for Daffy

My new found blogger babe (and secret crush and fantasy goddess - don't tell her, it‘s just for me to know) Daffy, has posted about a certain body spray. It doesn’t seem to be high on her list of things she likes to smell.

I thing it rates somewhere below a fresh shit and a loud wet fart. Maybe even below a dead, bloated opossum on the side of the road.

Anyway, she doesn’t like it because it is sprayed or slathered on all the teens in her school (where she performs a great service as an interpreter for the hearing impaired - in English - you have to read her blog to understand that one) and causes her anguish in breathing and trouble keeping her eyes dry and not looking like they are going to burst a vessel and bleed down her face.

So I got to thinking…yeah I know…all us bloggers have stalkers out there who sneak onto our pages and not leave comments. Comments are important and the reason we do this shit. We love to read your comments, opinions and ideas. It’s called communication (and you bloggers who write your stuff and do not comment to the commenter’s are just being narcissistic and rude. We want to know what you think or feel about what he had to say to YOU, fucker.) Now there are times when a response cannot be given due to timing, location, and stuff, but I try to do it regularly. But I digress.

We were talking about Daffy and her olfactory problem. In thinking about it, I got this idea for a Stalker Repellant award, and I think she should be the first recipient of the magnanimous award.

So here is the new AXE Stalker Repellant Award.

AXE Stalker Repellant Award

Though I’m not sure if it can be posted due to silly things like infringement laws, and copyright laws and shit like that. So, maybe it will just have to be the thought that counts.

Swan Lake - Chinese Style

You won't see this on Soul Train or MTV, but it is cool.

Got A Secret?

A few weeks ago a new blogger made herself known to me. How she found me I don’t know, but there she was. She had just started her blog a couple of days before and was looking for contributors to her blog. That’s her on the left over there (I think. That‘s the picture she has posted anyway. Hot, Huh!) She is Secretia Teller and she is on my blog roll as Secret Story Time. http://www.secretstorytime.blogspot.com/

I went over and found a very cool site and I think a needed place for us bloggers. We all have secrets and hidden desires and lies we are living and can tell no one about, and it eats in us. This place lets you say what you want to say, confess what you need to confess and still be anonymous.

There is some funny shit over there and some eye openers, too. And NO I haven’t divulged any secrets. I have no secrets. You guys know everything about me - that I want you to know. But for a fun read, head over to see the girl (I assume Secretia is a girl, woman, female, ho, whatever, since she is secret, too.)

Tell her John sent you and she will let you post a secret of your own, free of charge. If your secrets are sexy and dirty, you can let me know, too. I like that shit. And I won’t tell anyone either. Promise!

New MeMe

Hillbilly Duhn tagged me to do this meme. I haven’t done one in awhile so here goes.

1. What is your cell phone? Black Berry and I’m not afraid to use it.

2. Your hair? Gray and a little thinner than it was yesterday.

3. Your Mother? Dead! Not expected to come back either.

4. Your Father? Dead! Not expected to come back either.

5. Your favorite food? What ever is in front of me. Usually anything with hamburger in, on or around it.

6. Your dream last night? I was in a three-way with Daffy and HB, and they were laying face to face, one on top of the other and I was just about to… and I woke up. Premature awakealation. I hate it when that happens.

7. Your favorite drink? Depends on the mood or food. Bud Light, Jack Black on rocks, 7&7, iced tea or diet Coke.

8. Your dream/goal? Dream - Race in NASCAR. Goal - live longer than Methuselah.

9. What room are you in? Family Room!

10. Your hobby? Naked Blogging. But it’s difficult…I keep knocking the laptop off my lap.

11. Your fear? My wife catching me enjoying my hobby.

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? At my age I think more of where I’ll be in 6 minuets. But I hope in another house and enjoying the country.

13. Where were you last night? Chattanooga!

14. Something you aren't? A Socialist Democrat!

15. Muffins? What, baby?

16. Wish list item? Winning Lottery Numbers!

17. Where did you grow up? I was born and raised in Atlanta, but I haven’t grown up yet.

18. Last thing you did? Finished typing #17.

19. What are you wearing? Cargo shorts and a t-shirt (commando).

20. Your TV? On!

21. Your Pets? Until we get the house sold, staying with my step-daughter, Dr. Amber.

22. Your friends? Don’t have any.

23. Your life? Friendless!

24. Your mood? Sad because I don’t have any friends.

25. Missing someone? Friends! Do you see a pattern here?

26. Vehicle? '06 Ford F150!

27. Something your not wearing? Condom!

28. Your favorite store? WalMart!

29. What's your favorite color? Blue and earth tones! Piml in a woman.

30. When was the last time you laughed? 1952!

31. Last time you cried? Just now when LSU beat UGA - Cajun, Alligator Fucking Bastards.

32. Your best friend? My right hand!

33. One place that I go over and over again? The bathroom!

34. One person who emails me regularly? Chuck!

35. Favorite place to eat? Waffle House!

I won’t ask anyone to do this, just grab it and run with it if you have this incredible desire to do so. But at least come back and tell me so I can go read your entry.

Loyalty

I don't usually pass along awards sent to me. Although I am always surprised and honored when it happens, and I greatly appreciate the thought, time and effort it takes for someone to appreciate me enough to send one, I have a hard time believing that anyone else would give a shit about receiving one from me.


However, one of my favorite bloggers, Daffy, over at Batcrap Crazy (see my blog roll - I still don't know how to put a link in my stuff,) sent me the awesome award above yesterday and I am going to pass it along to my buddy, Hope. Her loyalty and commitment to her troops and sailors across the pond is unmatched in my realm of experience.

Many, many men and women have received a ray of light in a dark and bleak world, while making a safer place for us to live, by the letters and packages she sends them. Having served and being one of the guys who rarely received mail and never any support from home, I know how much it means to have the support she sends their way.

She will also give out names and address for others who could use the touch of home from others. And many of those she has supported still keep in contact with her after their deployment and/or discharge.

So, for her LOYALTY to the troops while raising four kids and a sick (right now) husband, I send this her way.