The Toast

I’m in deep shit again.  At the club the other night I hoisted my wineglass and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife."

That won me the top prize at the club for the best toast of the night!

So I went home and told Judy, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "That's nice.  And what was your toast?"

Thinking fast, I said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh John, that is very nice indeed!" She said.

The next day, Judy ran into one of my club buddies on the street corner.  The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the club with a toast about you, Judy."

She said, "I know!  He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.  Once he fell asleep, and the other time, on Easter, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Clint's Birthday Surprise

It was the famous actor, Clint Eastwood’s birthday last week and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and organized a shy writer to put a message above the Hollywood sign.

I don’t think it worked out he way they wanted it to…

Retirement Q&A

Thinking about retirement?  Here is a list of Q&A's that my help you make up your mind.

Your welcome!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answers: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answers: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answers: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answers: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answers: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answers: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term of someone enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answers: NUTS!!!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answers: As soon as they do their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answers: Normal!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answers: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: What is the best way to describe retiremetn?

Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answers: If you cut classes no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he worked with?

Answers: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?

Answers: Monday through Friday, NOTHING…Saturday and Sunday, Rest.

Money! Who Needs It?

It’s only money…what do I need with it?

Let me cry about it explain…

You know by now that Judy and I are updating, upgrading and getting ready to move into step-son’s new home’s basement.  We have been saving up for this for some time now and have made many purchases and worked very hard to get ready.  We are almost read, almost finished and…we are fucking broke.

In the past two months I have had $500 vet bill for Gabby, the Chocolate Lab, for injury’s received from a fight.  Then Bree, the Great Pyrenees, had a tumor like infection the size of a tennis ball come up on her leg…another $500 plus vet bill.  Then we had to have Judy’s car timing thing-a-ma-jig replaced to the tune of over a thousand dollars.  But we were making it…until yesterday.

I was hearing a grinding sound on my truck when I came to a stop.  So I had to have new breaks put on the front end.   But I have a 2008 F150 pickup.  This means it is not just a break job.  Of course I had to have the year model that required the whole break, hub assembly and kitchen sink replaced…not just a simple $200 dollar break job.  Plus, I need tires on the front because you could see the air floating around in them.

So $950 dollars later I have a truck that stops quietly and a bank account with cobwebs in it.

But it’s only money.  What do I need with it? Just stuff…that’s all.  

 Things will get better, I know.  But just in case, I’m gonna cut back on my sacrilegious jokes for a while.  Just to play it safe…

Patience? Forgetaboutit...

A Memoral Well Deserved

After more than 40 years, the Viet Nam Veterans of the United States of America raised a phenomenal amount of money to memorialize another one of Hollywood's loyal American citizens who went out of her way to aid and abet the enemy and congratulate them on their treatment of U. S. POW's.

This memorial says it all!

I get teary eyed when I see this.