Biker Bar

I stopped at your house the other day and was told you  were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.

I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.  Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...

There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?

Funny Sayings To Start The Weekend

Hey Peeps, how about some humor to start the weekend.  Okay? Great!  And if you find any, let me know so I can enjoy them, too. 

Anyjoke, I did find these little tidbits about life and marriage and stuff.  I think we all have had similar thoughts at one time or the other.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’

I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.  After that who cares? He`s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much additional can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

I always wanted to have someone to love.  And now that you’ve come into my life I’ve changed my mind.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either!

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.

Divorce: The past tense of marriage.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.  After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

All marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Shopping is better than sex.  At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

Lets Make A Tequila Christmas Cake

I was looking through some recipes Judy has in a box over the counter.  I found this one and it sounds like it will make a great cake, especially for next Christmas.

But I not only want to share it with you, my peeps, but I will cook my own cake (I know…alert the media and the fire department.)  So I’ll wait a few minutes while you gather the items you will need.  They are:

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

(crickets, crickets, read War and Peace, waiting, waiting…)

Okay!  Got all the ingredients?  Good!  Now let’s start…

Sample the tequila to check quality.  This is important for the proper taste.

Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.  Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK and has not gone flat.  

Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.  Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the
cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.  Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360s and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.  Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mristmas!

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

.

Screwed Again

This is our neighbor:

She's single...

She lives right across the street and I can see her house from our living room.

So I was watching when she got home from work this evening.  But I was surprised when she walked across the street and up our driveway.

She knocked on our door and I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny!   I have this strong urge to have a good time tonight.  You know, get drunk and screw all night long, that sort of thing!  Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Hell no!  I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?"

DESTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS

To those of you who are nitpickers about the meaning of worlds, there is a definite distinction between Guts and Balls.  We’ve all heard about people having Guts and Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

Let me explain:

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by the wife with a broom and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say, “You’re next, chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.  Both result in death.