Funny Posters! At Least I Thought So

For those of you who care, I stopped the word verification thing.  However, if I start getting a bunch of spam, I am going to forward them to y’all.  If I remember how…

As for remembering, and any hints of growing old, some you will identify with these little posters, the rest of you, your time is coming…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

$20 Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the Bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex.  These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

Remember:

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

WTF Is Going On?

Unlike this lady, it seems I do not have any hidden talents when it comes to posting comments on your sites.  I don’t know what’s up with my blog or my blogging skills.   It has been close to a year now that I have been unable to post from YouTube or links to other blogs.  This sucks.

But now I am having trouble posting comments on some blogs.  Not all, just a few.  Middle Child’s blog will not let me post.  Navy One only gets a few of them, but not all.  WTF, folks?

I type in a humorous yet aptly appropriate and thought provoking comment and hit enter.  Some ask for the word verification (and that seems to have changed, too) some don’t, but either way I see the comment post.  The message at the top says it has posted.  I believe it.  Why would it lie to me?  Yet when I return to the main page, the comment is gone.  Nowhere! Not There! Like It Never Was!

You blocking me?

I looked in the mirror to make sure I was holding my mouth just right.  I made sure my hands were clean.  I have muttered a prayer to the blogging gods, but it doesn’t work.  Some of you will just not let me comment. (I hear some of you saying that’s a blessing…Fuck You. Shut It!)

I do not want to go the Google Help (oxymoron) if I can help it.  I trust you, my experienced blogger pals. What say you?

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

I know y’all have been wondering how someone my age can still have sex.  I know you have been, but you are just too polite to ask.  It’s okay!  I don’t mind you asking.  In fact, I will tell you…

 

It revolves around a system I discovered while I was deep in my continuous search for tips to improve YOUR life.  So without further ado I give you the fruit of my findings.  Plus, if you are not sure you are growing old, I have some tips to help you decide.

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. 

And the tips to help you decide if you are OLD…

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN…...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
‘Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes. 

When Men And Women Drink

You know the old saying, Men Are From Mars and Women Are A Bitch To Live With.  In short, there are many differences between us...especially when we drink a weeee tad toooo much.

Proof of that claim:

I rest my case!!!

Back At It

 Sorry I haven’t been around lurking and commenting lately.  I have been as busy as a one-armed paper hanger with the hives. 

On Wednesday I drove down to The Varsity in Atlanta for my fix of chili dogs and the high school meeting we have every other month.   This year is my 50 high school reunion, too.  Amazing!  And the majority of the class is still with us.  Some more than others, but still among the living.

This time we had around 125 alum’s from the 40’s through 1965.  There are a great group of people and we always have fun visiting with each other.  Most of the guys are Nam vets or Nam era vets.  Plenty of war stories abound – mingled in with old high school stories.  We were a hardy bunch (if you can believe all the stories.)  Of course I just listen because I was a well behaved, church going, Baptist raised young man.  Why they keep trying to put my name in their stories is beyond me.

The lady above is Nancy.  She was a couple of years behind me and had a terrible crush on me…and I didn’t know it.  I thought she was just being friendly because I was a senior…that kind of thing.  She is one of my besties now, and I always enjoy seeing her at these events.  She is also one of my BFF’s on Facebook, too.

This picture is a group from the 50’s.  Lloyd, squatting down for the picture was my brother, Jim’s, best friend and the two ladies were BFF’s with my sister, Mary.  Age has only slowed us down just a little.  I mean, do they look like thy are in their 70's?  Didn't think so, either.

After leaving the Varsity I drove over to Smyrna and checked into a motel for the night.  But since I had only had three hours sleep the night before, I passed out around three p.m. and slept till ten p.m.  I then went to get a bite to eat and came back just in time to fall asleep around 11:30.  Why am I sleeping so much lately?  I never use to sleep much.  I guess all those missed hours are coming back disguised as makeup naps now.

Why get a motel room?  It is a 100 mile drive from the Coffeypot to the Varsity and I had to be back in the area on Thursday to take David to a couple of doctor visits.  The motel was cheaper than the cost of gas for the 200 mile turn around, so I decided to stay in the area.

David is doing much better, and using a walker and a cane.  He still has a few months or rehab to go before he can to go work again, but he is determined to make it.  We also got to have a great lunch between doctor visits.  We went to one of his favorite restaurants.  He hadn’t been there since last June and really missed the place.  I use to go there (Vittles in Smyrna) back in the day when I was single and living in the area.  Great vegetables and sweet iced tea.  The place has change a little.   Like, the door I use to go in is now the smoking side.  David was feeling a little pain so we stayed on that side.  But believe me,  it is hard to eat while holding your breath.

Anyupdate, after I let David at his house, I had to drive to Villa Rica to get the grand-kids.  They have Friday and Monday off, so we get them for a long weekend.  Insert Snoopy Happy Dance here.   That also adds another 50 miles to the return trip, too.  And J-Man had his girlfriend over for a late Valentine dinner, so I had to wait for him.  I then took his sweetie home (they are so meant for each other) before leaving.  We set out around nine p.m. and got home at eleven o’clock.  Eleven oh one I was looking that he back side of my eyelids.

I’m getting too old for this stuff.  But what else have I got to do?  The good things is I’m not in my chair with the laptop in my lap.  So I guess it’s good.

Carry on!

Lines To Make You Smile

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.  My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.  I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. 3.  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.  Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me  7.  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.  I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.  10.  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes. 11.  NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.  God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.  The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.  Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps. 15.  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.  Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17.  Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18.  Procrastinate Now! 19.  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22.  Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere! 23.  They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24.  He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.  Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.   27.  The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28.  The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.  I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

More Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00.  I said "May I have large bills, please."

I'm sorry sir; all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her...
 
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know.  I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS  

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”

 
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS 

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
In Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, ’This is fun.  We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah? NO!
Lee - A?  NOPE!
Lay - a? NO!
Lei? Guess Again. 

This child attends a school in Kansas City, MO.  Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. 

It's pronounced  "Ledasha."

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent." 

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...and THEY VOTE!