A Man's Fifty Shades Of Grey

(UPDATE)
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

By Pam Ayres (Not Really)
By John Summers (For Real - Thanks John For Letting Me Know and For A Great Poem) 

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

PRNK Officer's Bling

We're on the verge of war with these guys?

God help them... Look at all those medals.  

This gives an all new meaning to the word, BLING.

It's by no mere coincidence that their uniforms resemble Russian uniforms of the 1950's, either.  And the hats are designed to make them look taller.

Most metals and ribbons usually indicate campaigns fought, awards for bravery, other theaters where one was stationed, or wounds received in combat.  Since they haven't been in any wars since the early 1950's, then in their cases these must mean a lot of good conduct, adequate amount of respect and morning for the departed Kim Jong Il, and being present at all roll call medals.

Very Impressive indeed!

It's kinda like the Hollywood awards.  They are always presenting themselves with awards simply because no one else will, and they so desperately need some recognition and attention.

But have no fear, Peeps.  In case of war, we can defeat them simply by flying a B-52 over the country with a giant magnet hanging from the planes belly.

It would look like Resurrection Day to the troops... watching all their officers being lifted into the sky.

Bird Feeders and A House

Judy and I have taken to watching birds.  To this end, we put up two feeders.  

(click on the pics to make them bigger for those of us who can't see shit)

The one on the left feeds Cardinals, Titmouse, Tits (mostly Blue Tit), Cowbirds and some I haven’t recognized yet. 

The other on the right is a Hummingbird Feeder.  I really enjoy watching these little fuckers.  They hover, back up in flight, and are mean spirited.  They do not share with other humming birds that are not in their family.  They fight and chase each other off.  And they are so small, and sometimes they look like those huge back bees that fly all over the place in the spring.

The same thing happens with the Cardinals.  Most birds share the food house or swinging bowl, but when the Cardinal shows up (usually in pairs – one will stand watch on the fence while the other eats) and all the other birds fly off.  The only bird that will make the Cardinal fly off is the Cowbird.  Or when a human opens the door or says anything.  They fly off, then, too.

However, we are looking for one that will work for us.  Living in the country with all the chickens, horses and cows, there is a little pest that will drive you nuts.  Flies!  So we did our due-diligence in solving the problem… we called Dr. Amber (my step-daughter the vet).  The best thing for fly control without using sprays, fly swats, deals with the devil and animal sacrifice, was to set up a home for Purple Martins.  Their main food supply is flies.

So we bought, assembled, and put up the Purple Martin Home For Hungry Birds out in the front field/yard.  See it in the background in the first picture?

Getting that thing on a pole 15’ high was a project in itself. 

This is the time of year they are migrating back in the area, but they are also a bird of habit and will go to their previous dwellings.  So the only chance we had is if some PMHs were removed during the year.   Well, five days after putting up the home, there was one sitting on the roof. 

Judy and I were working in the yard and I looked up and there it was.  But it flew off.  And didn’t come back!  CALL AMBERRRR!

It seems that they send out scouts on their way back to make sure things are as they left them (we have to be meticulous landlords, it seems).  And if not, the scout goes and finds a place.  If he/she is satisfied with it, it will fly back to the flock and vector them in.  This can take up to two weeks.

And this got me to thinking (I know, shut it).  How far in advance will he scout.  Where are the rest while he is scouting?  Are they flying home or waiting at a Bird Waffle House or what?  How does he find them and how does he tell them to follow him?  Is there a Purple Martin Real Estate Office off in the woods somewhere?

When he finds them, what does he say in bird talk?  “Hey honey (or Master or Sire or whoever he reports to) I found a great place that meets all our needs.  It’s fifteen feet off the ground, twenty yards from any trees, two stories high with 12 connecting rooms but has never been lived in.  We can set it up to our liking without having to worry about others messes.  And it’s only a week’s flying time away.  Let’s gooooo!  Up, Up, and AWAAYYYY”

Ma Nature is awesome if you think about what all the critters do and what they go through.  And remember, all those pretty bird calls, creature sounds coming from the woods and bushes and places are just males trying to get laid.

So we will be watching to see if a family sets up homestead.   

AND EATS OUR DAMN FLIES!