Red Necks Rule...

That's it.  Carry On!!!

Inappropriate Humor

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt.  Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect?  You're in a wheel chair.

The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the worst.  So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day.  I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?  Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they do drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.”

A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.  I said "How can you tell them apart?"  He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Best Rest Room Signs Ever

No Confusion Here...

Words Gone Kaputt

Do you remember Murgatroyd?

Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?

Heavens to Mergatroyd! The epression was popularized by the cartoon charater Snagglepuss – a regular on the Yogi Bear Show in the 1960’s.

Lost Words from our childhood:

Words gone as fast as the buggy whip!  Sad really!

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, someone illuminated some old expressions that I have copied here.   Expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included:

“Don’t touch that dial,”

“Carbon copy,”

“You sound like a broken record,”

“Hung out to dry.”

Back in the olden days we had a lot of ‘moxie.’

We’d put on our best ‘bib and tucker’ to’ straighten up and fly right’ and Gay mean ‘happy’.

Heavens to Betsy!

Gee Whillikers!

Jumping Jehoshaphat!

Holy Moley!

We were ‘in like Flynt’ and ‘living the life of Riley’', and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.

Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers...AND DON'T FORGET... Saddle Stitched Pants

Oh, my aching back!  Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” or, “This is a ‘fine kettle of fish” they are all gone!

We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.  Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind

We blink, and they’re gone.

Where have all those great phrases gone?

Long gone:

Pshaw,

The milkman did it.

Hey! It’s your nickel.

Don’t forget to pull the chain.

Knee high to a grasshopper.

Well, Fiddlesticks!

Going like sixty.

I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Don’t take any wooden nickels.

Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.  ("Carter's Little Liver Pills" are gone too!)

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times.  For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.  We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.

It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...

See ya later, alligator, Okidoki, and so many more that have slipped my memory, too.

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 40/50'S.

NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN.

GOD GAVE US ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:

............OUR MEMORIES........

Sadly, though, for some of us, that too is beginning to fade!!!  :-(

What It Means To Be Irish

Sounds about right...

Leftist, Good-for-Nothing Leftist Media, You Said Nothing

Dear Leftist, Good-for-Nothing, media:

1.  You said nothing when Obama used drone strikes to execute people abroad.

2.  You said nothing about Russia for 50 years until Trump was inaugurated.
3.  You said nothing about Hillary's campaign manager's brother being paid $175,000 to lift U.S. sanctions on Russia.
4.  You said nothing when Obama engaged in military interventionism in Libya without Congressional approval.
5.  You said nothing when Obama greatly expanded presidential power through the use of Executive Orders.
6.  You said nothing when Obama filled his White House with lobbyists after he said he wouldn't.
7.  You said nothing when Obama gave 47 of his fundraisers Administration jobs.
8.  You said nothing about the murders and rapes at the hands of illegal immigrants.
9.  You said nothing when Hillary's net worth rose over $100 million as Secretary of State, in part, because her husband took money from foreign governments.
10.  You said nothing after Obama's net worth rose over $10 million as President.
11.  You said nothing when Obama's Justice Dept. wiretapped/surveilled reporters such as James Rosen and the AP.
12.  You said nothing when Obama restricted immigration 6 times with Executive Orders.
13.  You said nothing when Obama set a record for deportations.
14.  You said nothing when Bill Clinton met Loretta Lynch on the airport tarmac during the Clinton investigation.
15.  You said nothing when Hillary was fed debate questions.
16.  You said nothing when Obama and Hillary lied about a video and Benghazi
17.  You said nothing when Obama's IRS abused the rights of taxpayers.
18.  You said nothing when Obama's White House held meetings with lobbyists in coffee shops near White House to avoid disclosure requirements.
19.  You said nothing when Eric Holder sold the guns you hate to criminals and some were used to kill Americans.
20.  You said nothing when the Clinton's took White House property.
21.  You said nothing when Hillary laughed off defending a child-rapist.
22.  You said nothing when Hillary lied about her private use of a private email server as Secretary of State.
23.  You said nothing when Janet Reno, under Bill Clinton, used a tank to kill the Branch Davidians.
24.  You said nothing when, on May 13, 1985, a bomb was dropped on a  row house in Philadelphia to uproot the black liberation group known as Move, resulting  in a fire that eventually burned down 61 houses, killed 11  people (including five children) and injured dozens.
25.  You said nothing when Elian Gonzales was forcibly deported using guns.
26.  You said nothing when George Soros paid protesters to burn parts of Ferguson.
27.  You said nothing about states' rights until Trump's Executive orders on immigration.
28.  You said nothing about Obama's smoking.
29.  You said nothing about the record numbers of people on government assistance.
30.  You said nothing about the number of part time and low paying jobs under the Obama recovery.
31.  You said nothing when Obama had SWAT teams raid a Gibson guitar factory and seize property, on the purported basis that Gibson had broken India's environmental laws - but no charges were filed.
32.  You said nothing when Obama claimed that the Fort Hood shooting was "workplace violence" rather than terrorism.
33.  You said nothing when Obama ended some terror asylum restrictions, by allowing asylum for people who provided only "insignificant" or "limited" material support of terrorists.
34.  You said nothing when the national debt doubled under Obama.
35.  You said nothing when 9 times the Supreme Court unanimously overturned Obama's expansive use of Executive Power.
36.  You said nothing when Obama dismissed charges filed by the Bush Administration against New Black Panther Party members who were videotaped intimidating voters at a Philadelphia polling station during the 2008 election.
37.  You said nothing when Obama released Guantanamo detainees who then went back to kill Americans.
38.  You said nothing when Obama unilaterally changed Congressional law by Executive Order.
39.  You said nothing when Obama fired an inspector general after investigating an $850,000 AmeriCorps grant received by a nonprofit run by former NBA star and Obama supporter Kevin Johnson.
40.  You said nothing about the 36 Obama's executive office staffers that owed  $833,970 in back taxes
41.  You said nothing when Obama Killed four Americans overseas in counter-terrorism operations without a judicial process.

So NOW you are voicing your objections about five months of Trump.  I'm sorry...  we can't hear you because you said NOTHING before!!! 

The Conspiracy of Getting Old

(Two Post In As Many Days... Oh The Wonder)

This is happening right here in our own country! 
We must put a stop to this immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, groceries are heavier, and, everything is farther away?  And yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

People are less considerate now, especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader? 

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  Why, I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.  Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days, too.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 waist pant as a size 40?  Do they think no-one notices?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial?  HA! I would never let myself weigh that much.  Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on.  But even the telephone company is in on the conspiracy.  They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.  And if God wanted us to pop out of bed in the morning, he would have us sleep in a toaster.

And don't forget God gave us toes as a device to find furniture in the dark!

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

How It All Began... Honest!

Please do not Google or check this with Snopes.  They will lie to you.  Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.  As it were, Dot Com was a comely woman; large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How is this possible, my dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between the towns to send messages saying what you have for sale.  And they will reply telling you who hath the best price.  The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and they were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.  Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."  And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, and said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." (YAHOO).  And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

And Al Gore has been taking credit for this for years…

I would not make up this stuff.  Honest

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures?  Your last name stays put.  The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant.  

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.  Car mechanics tell you the truth.  The world is your urinal.  

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.  Same work, more pay.  Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress $5000.  Tux rental-$100.  

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  One mood all the time.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.  You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.  You can open all your own jars.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.  Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.  You almost never have strap problems in public.  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.  You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.  One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.  You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.  No wonder men are happier.

When eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

In a bathroom a man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Forget arguments.  A woman always has the last word.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

And there are the children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Yep, I am a happy man! 

One of the things about retirement is the extra time one has to just think, which leads to questions.

So, I am 72 years old and I have so many unanswered questions!!!!

I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...

Where's the beef...

How to get to Sesame Street...

Why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...

Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same…

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop...

Why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, or light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails…

Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors...

Why is there Braille on drive up ATM's...

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word…

Why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator...

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-

Washing liquid is made with real lemons...

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections...

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going...

Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...

Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs...

Just what is Victoria's secret, anyway?...

What would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...

Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways?...

Do you really think I am this witty??...

I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...

I know… I need to get a life.

Cheers

Not that I need any excuses to have a beer or two, there are those of you who do need an excuse, or a reason to justify taking a drink.   Try these: 

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Babe Ruth

"If all you had to look forward to was sleeping with Lady Bird you'd stay drunk too." - Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not." - H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" - George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.! - W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. - Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.  Salvation in a can! - Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Cliff has point…

WHY???

Okay, class, here is the question… WHY?

Why can’t I post anything here?  I post all kind of shit on Facebook, but not here.

Why is Facebook more important than my blog?  I am here every day, sometime two or three times a day, to check on the awesome bloggers on the port side.

Why aren’t all of you on my Facebook friends list?

Why are y’all still posting on your blogs instead of Facebook?  Both types have stupid rules and laws.  Is it because you can post larger post with the ability to post more than one picture and place that picture where you want it to enhance your story/blog?  Makes sense to me, I guess.

Why can’t Facebook have a highlight or a BOLD option?

Why doesn’t blogger have a LIKE button so you can let someone know you have been there but didn’t feel the need to comment?

And most of all, WHY AM I EVEN POSTING THESE DUMBASS QUESTIONS?  The collection of questions seem to answer the whole WHY question.

Okay, I’ll go now.  Continue with what you were doing. (In Navy speak, that is Carry On).

  

Observations Of Old Age

It has been awhile since I’ve posted anything, so I thought I would throw this one up just to let you know I am still around and that I do drop by daily to read the peeps on the left side blog roll.  Sometimes several times a day.  So I hope you get as big a kick out of these as I did.

THERE IS NO SENIOR DISCOUNT FOR READING THIS---

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's as anymore.

Things I have noticed and figured out… If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.  A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.  And they tell us to exercise?  I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my butt.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
t15. It is not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.  I go somewhere to get
something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before... or did I get it from you?

Oh well.  This will do it for a while… or sooner.