NFL Players Association Needs Your Help

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation.  We have banded together to overcome adversity.  We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small.  But now, we must come together once again to overcome one of our greatest challenges yet.

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below their seven-figure salary level.  And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life sustaining pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need.  This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise.  For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor.  Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.  Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150).  Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need.  Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

Remember, a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste...

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YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player.  My preference is (check
below):

[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: ____________________Telephone Number: ___________________
Account Number: __________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] Master Card [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] Master Card [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: ______________________

It's All In How You Say It

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
 
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
 
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
 
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash and splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." 

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

 

A 3-D Copier - Let The Fun Begin

Remember when people use to make copies of their private parts on the office copier?  Using this scanner and printer and you can sell copies of yourself - and they will work.



I wonder what these will cost?

McDonalds Greatest Ad

Talk About Pulling Strings...

Some people just have too much talent.

BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT

A friend of my, Mary Taitt, sent this to me and, no, it is not about her IRL, but it is funny.

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.  They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have?  I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while to find the other.  At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.  I realigned my speed bumps and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides  I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.  I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted; it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!

Fireworks With The Grand Kids and Dumb Asses

Woodstock had her Fourth of July fireworks tonight.  They were gonna have them last night (on the 4^th – duh) but a storm came thought and put a damper on all the matches, so to speak.

 

So the powers that be decided to have them tonight.  The above is about as good as I could get that a crackberry and a parking lot light in the way.  Hey! You want a professional shot, go to Google.

Anylightshow, the grand kids and I had some beach chairs in the back of my pickup in the parking lot of the Home Depot.  And to kill time we made fun of the people pulling in and trying to park and watching others that were walking around.  That can make for some funny observations (if you know how to make wise cracks and snide remarks that make the kids laugh.)

Then we got to watching this guy.  He was parked and in HD shopping, I guess.  In the meantime this big 4WD truck with a huge chrome bumper made for pushing cars or stuff pulled in behind him.  He pulled in close and left to go sit on the bank overlooking the road and the fireworks display area. (Loews and Target are across the road and the fireworks were being set off behind Target.)

So, Mr. Genius comes back and wants to pull his chairs out to sit in front of his van for the show.  But he and his son keep looking at the back of his van and the bumper of the truck.  He tries to open his back hatch and pull the chairs out, but the hatch will only open about a foot.

He closes the hatch and walks to the other side and tries it again.  Funny thing! The door still only opens the same foot.  So they open the side doors of the van and wrestles the chairs over the seats and out the side door.  Victory!

I hadn’t said anything, but I look at the grand kids and ask if they had been watching. They had.  I asked what they would have done differently to make it easier.  Bug said, “I would have pulled forward a couple of feet and got the chairs out, then back up a couple of feet.”  Mater said that it was so obvious.  They made me proud.  I don’t have dumb asses for grand kids.

Some people cannot think out of the box.  They only see in two dimensions.  If he had just taken a second and step back and look at the situation and ask himself how can I solve this problem he could have saved some time and labor.  But he only saw the bumper on the truck and his hatch.

The kids earned a fist bump for the old Paw Paw.  They are almost as brilliant as me.

But the fireworks display…seen one you’ve pretty much seen them all.  So we made fun of everyone over the ooohs and awes.  That was more fun.  I truly love hanging with the little shits.

How Hot Is It In Georgia

What an ice cream truck looks like in Georgia...

Hot! I'm talking HOT! So hot the birds are pulling worms out of the ground with potholders.


Then they have to wait until the worms cools off before they can eat it.

Hot, I tell ya. Hot!

Another 4th of July Post

Two 4th of July Post in one day...how lucky can you get.

I subscribe to the Texas Tin Can Sailor's newspaper, The Log, and they had this posted today.  It is another way to show how the 4th is even more our holiday than just the Deceleration of Independence.

On the 4th of July in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress, setting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation.  As always, this most American of holidays will be marked by parades, fireworks and back-yard barbecues across the country.  Here are some fun facts about the Independence Day holiday.

2.5 million - In July 1776, the estimated number of people living in the newly independent nation.

311.7 million - The nations estimated population on this July Fourth.

$3.2 million - In 2010, the dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags.  The vast majority of this amount ($2.8 million) was for U.S. flags made in China.

$486,026 - Dollar value of U.S. flags exported in 2010.  Mexico was the leading customer, purchasing $256,407 worth.

$302.7 million - Annual dollar value of shipments of fabricated flags, banners and similar emblems by the nation's manufacturers, according to the latest published economic census data.

$190.7 million - The value of fireworks imported from China in 2010, representing the bulk of all U.S. fireworks imported ($197.3 million).  U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, came to just $37.0 million in 2010, with Japan purchasing more than any other country ($6.3 million).

$231.8 million - The value of U.S. manufacturers' shipments of fireworks and pyrotechnics (including flares, igniters, etc.) in 2007.

31 - Places have “liberty” in their names.  The most populous one as of April 1, 2010, is Liberty, Mo. (29,149)  Iowa, with four, has more of these places than any other state: Libertyville, New Liberty, North Liberty and West Liberty.

35 - Places have “eagle” in their names.  The most populous one is Eagle Pass, Texas (26,248).

11 - Places have “independence” in their names. The most populous one is Independence, Mo. (116,830).

9 - Places have “freedom” in their names.  The most populous one is New Freedom, Pa. (4,464).

1 - One place with “patriot” in the name. Patriot, Ind. (209)!

5 - Places have “America” in their names.  The most populous is American Fork, Utah (26,263).

138 - Ranking of the frequency of the surname of our first president, George Washington, among all last names tabulated in the 2000 Census.  Other early presidential names that appear on the list, along with their ranking, were Adams (39), Jefferson (594), Madison (1,209) and Monroe (567).

More than 1 in 4 - The chance that the hot dogs and pork sausages consumed on the Fourth of July originated in Iowa.  The Hawkeye State was home to 19.0 million hogs and pigs on March 1, 2011.  This estimate represents more than one-fourth of the nation's estimated total.  North Carolina (8.6 million) and Minnesota (7.6 mil-lion) were also homes to large numbers of pigs.

6.8 billion Pounds - Total production of cattle and calves in Texas in 2010.  Chances are good that the beef hot dogs, steaks and burgers on your backyard grill came from the Lone Star State, which accounted for about one-sixth of the nation's total production.  And if the beef did not come from Texas, it very well may have come from Nebraska (4.6 billion pounds) or Kansas (4.1 billion pounds).

6 - Number of states in which the value of broiler chicken production was $1 billion or greater between December 2009 and November 2010.  There is a good chance that one of these states — Georgia, Arkansas, North Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi or Texas — is the source of your barbecued chicken.

Over 1 in 3 - The odds that your side dish of baked beans originated from North Dakota, which produced 36 percent of the nations dry, edible beans in 2010.  Another popular Fourth of July side dish is corn on the cob.  Florida, California, Georgia, Washington and New York together accounted for 68 percent of the fresh market sweet corn produced nationally in 2010.

Over 7 in 10 - Of the nation's head lettuce production in 2010 that came from California.  This lettuce may end up in your salad or on your burger.

7 in 10 - The chances that the fresh tomatoes in your salad came from Florida or California, which combined accounted for 71% of U.S. fresh market tomato production last year.

2.5 Billion Pounds - Florida led the nation in watermelon production last year (750 million pounds).  Other leading producers of this popular fruit included California, Georgia and Texas; each had an estimate of more than 600 million pounds.

81 million - Number of Americans who said they have taken part in a barbecue during the previous year.  It's probably safe to assume a lot of these events took place on Independence Day.

Source: Military.com Independence Day edition

Happy 4th of July

 

Happy 4^th, y’all!  And God Bless America!  Also bless our troops and sailors who are serving to keep us safe and free regardless of Obama.

Picture made last year.
Bug is as tall as Mater now and Mater is almost as tall as me - and learning to drive.

We are just chilling in the air conditioning today.  Yesterday the grand kids and I went to the marina to clean and get the boat ready for today.  After an hour cleaning and cranking her up for the first time this year, we were hot and sweaty.  So we thought it best to take her for a spin around the lake to blow out the carburetor, get a tank of fresh gas and cool off in the breeze.

As it happened, we weren’t cooling off fast enough, so I stopped in the middle of the lake and we all took a swim.  They had on their bathing suits, but I had on my shorts.  But it was hot!!! So I stripped down to my boxer-briefs and dove in, too.  As it turned out, not one person on the lake noticed.  And if they did, who cares.  I was cooled off.

But we also didn’t come prepared with sunscreen or lotions, so today we are all a little on the crispy side and in that slump that too much sun causes.  All the energy is zapped out, so a day of lounging in the cool is more like it.

The good news is, the boat is read for this summer. The bad news is, it won’t get used today.  But the pool across the street may be utilized later this evening.  Mater, my grandson, seems to like all the young bathing suits over there.  The young bating suit’s moms look pretty good, too.  Yep, the pool it is.

Government Bureaucracy

All you need to know about Government Bureaucracy

Lord's prayer..............................................................66 words.

Archimedes' Principle................................................67 words.

10 Commandments…................................................179 words.

Gettysburg address: .................................................286 words.

Declaration of Independence: …...............................1,300 words.

US Constitution with 27 Amendments …..................7,818 words.

US Government regulations on sale of cabbage……..26,911 words.

A Proud Moment