Five Easy Questions

Miss Cindydianne sent me five interview questions, not because she in crazy in love with me, but because I dared her. So, I will try to give truthful, thought provoking answers that will help you navigate the paths of your life.

1. Who is your favorite NASCAR driver and why?
That would be Michael Waltrip because he is the longest running feminine diver in NASCA history. I also like Jeff Burton and Dale Jarrett because they are a class act and a great role model.

2. Have you ever been in the Armed Services? Which Branch? What is a memorable moment from that time?
Yes! That would be the NAVY. There are so many. I remember leaning over the rail and shaking hands with a Russian sailor as their ship passed us close to port in the Formosa Straights between Taiwan and China. The two captains were having a pissing contest on who was the best skipper. Then there was the day I was on watch, sitting on the radar scope when the announcement was made that Kennedy had been shot. We were by ourselves, two days out of Yokosuka, Japan, with no more information than that, so we went to general quarters (battle stations) in case it had come from Cuba or Russia. Then there was the time, two days after shaking hands with the Russian sailor, we rounded the Southern tip of Taiwan and ran head on into a typhoon. I was only 18 and too stupid to be afraid until I saw the old salts turn white when our ship took a 45 degree roll. At 47 degrees the huge gun turrets are supposed to fall into the ocean to help us get back to level, and at 49 degrees we would have capsized. After that role you couldn’t have driven a straight pin up my ass with a sledge hammer.

3. How many children and grandchildren do you have? Will you tell us a funny story about them?
I have one child that I know of – Marni. Sweet Tea has two – Dr. Amber and Steven. From Marni I have two grandkids, J-Man and Bug. From Steven I have his girlfriend, The Mole, and from Amber I have 36 dogs and 15 cats (anyone want to adopt?).
J-Man and I were cutting up one day and I told him I will take you out. He said, “Oh, PawPaw, if you do that you will go to prison for life.” He then thought about that for a second and then said, “But that’s okay. You want be there too long.” Bug keeps me laughing all the time, but I am having a Senior Moment Brain Fart right this minuet and I can’t think a story to tell you about her. Maybe later!

4. If you could know when you were going to die, would you want to?
Death doesn’t bother me. We are all going to have to face it someday, and knowing when has it’s advantages. I don’t think I would like to know the exact time and date, because I would probably be more concerned with the actual countdown than anything else. But having a general idea would help me get things done that need to be done so that Sweet Tea and Marni won’t have to mess with it. I plan on being cremated with my ashes put into a douche bag and run through one more time. Any volunteers?

5. There’s been a rumor floating around that your appearance is similar to Bill Clinton. Is it true?
Not today. In the summer I keep my hair buzz off. But in the fall and winter I let my hair grow. I comb it back like Slick Willie’s and when I put my glasses on; I have been told that I look like him. It’s an evil right-wing conspiracy, I tell ya. I believe it is perpetrated by hate radio. I don’t, nor ever have, gotten the action he has, and I would never ruin a good cigar the way he did. I have also been told, though, that I look like John Wayne. Especially the way he looked in “She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.” But I think I look more like me than anyone else. As a matter of fact, I look more like myself everyday. It’s remarkable.

Well, I hoped your life is a little better now since you have read this. If not, there’s not a lot I can do for you.

Thanks, Cindydianne.

...ologies

I kind of tagged myself after reading this on Nancy’s Blog Pourri blog.

FOODOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Some times Ranch, sometimes Blue Cheese, sometime Thousand Island, sometime – well, it depends on my mood or taste craving.
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Wendi’s
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. I like Japanese, Mexican and Italian
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. One; next time don’t wait on me.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Cheeseburgers with mustard, ketchup, mayo, onions, tomato and lettuce. And Diet Coke!
Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. The upper. It holds the prettiest teeth.

TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. A green sloping filed with a clear blue sky – think Teletubbys.
Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Four!

BIOLOGY
Q. What’s your best feature?
A. My third finger on my left hand. It has the ring Sweet Tea gave me.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Polyps from my nose; kidney stones; my gallbladder; a few teeth; hope for a safe, secure America for my grandkids; a fingernail and toenail; but I have had a stent put in my heart. So the total is OUT- many, IN – one.

Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Sleep! Okay, Touch!

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. If you are talking about a woman, it’s been awhile. If you are talking about teeth, now! I go in a couple of weeks to get it filled.

Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. Either the last time I went to the bathroom or a chair I took out of the SUV after our trip to NJ last week.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Yes!

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Nope!

Q. Is love for real?
A. When I think about or look at my grandkids, you betcha.

Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
A. Doctor! Or maybe Howdy! Maybe Sire!

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Blue – especially if Kelly Ripa is wearing it.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Yep! A few hairs, a bug or two, some pennies and dimes, a few seeds from the non-food type herbs and a diamond.

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Yep! I changed my mind.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Yes! Sweet Tea.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. Yes, and you could have a day to raise a crowd.

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Kiss them where?

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes, except for number three on the left.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Nice try, but HELL YES!

Q. Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yes, but it would probably be in Old Geezers and Wheezers.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000?
A. No!

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. There are some I would take out for free. So, yea, I would.

Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
A. No!

Q. Give up MySpace forever for $30,000?
A. Sure! I don’t use it now, so why not.

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. My pocket knife, and a ten, a five and three ones.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. I don’t know who he is or why he would make a movie.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Stand

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. I have, but I don’t want to do it again (except for ST of course.)

Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A. None!

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. I got a warning ticket for speeding a few weeks ago. I told him I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying. He started to take me to jail for impersonation a comedian – honest.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Old and happy! Maybe a quality control inspector in a whore house.

LASTOLOGY
Q: Friend you talked to?
A. Quartermaster Chuck in Chicago.
Q: Last person you called?
A. Sweet Tea

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A. Bathroom!

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Go back to the bathroom.

Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A. The Last Mimzi

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. I Guess! Especially if you have money.

Dear Proctor & Gamble...

The letter below was sent to me via email. I have no understanding of the content, but some of you might - according to some of your blog posts. When you get through reading this, babe, how about getting me a beer?


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. This brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness "actual smiling, laughing happiness" is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always!

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Being Southern

There are some great things about being Southern. For example, every Southerner loves grits. It is required, or you have to leave your family behind and move up North. Grits also has a meaning other than pure breakfast nirvana. It is also an acronym for Girls Raised In The South.

Southern Women are made different than those from other areas. For example:

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"


Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye or Sawmill gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly and butter.

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

But being Southern isn’t only for women. No, sir! Everyone born and reared in the South is taught many things that baffle the interlopers from the North. It is things only Southerners know, such as:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines; that when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
Contrary to whatever you Yankees have been told, "macaroni and cheese" is a vegetable. Don't ya'll know that mac & cheese goes so well with taters and gravy, you just can't have enough starch in your diet.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!

And, Shugah, if you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

Thank You?

You know, I have said before that I am old and out of the loop on many things. There is a lot of stuff floating around out there that I don’t understand. But the thing that is bugging me the most – right now – is the response I get when I say, “Thank You.”

I was taught to say, “You’re Welcome.” Now, I admit that I don’t even understand what that comment means. You’re welcome to say other nice things. You’re welcome to stay? You’re welcome to do as you please? You’re welcome to leave as soon as you leave a tip? What? But I have used it all my life. And I have heard other people use it as well.

But for the last year or so, when I say thank you to someone, I get the reply, “No Problem.” Why? I didn’t ask you if you were having difficulty in serving me. I didn’t ask you to go out of you way to hold the door open (but I thank you for doing it.) I said nothing about a problem or the difficulty you had in doing what ever it is, or was, you were doing. So why say it?

Are they teaching this in etiquette class in school? If they are, why didn’t someone email or blog me about it? I need to know this stuff so that I want choke on my food or look at someone like they are a dilbert asshole who doesn’t understand the meaning of the comment.

I can change. If it is a correct replacement for “Thank You,” then I will live with it. But if I am right, however, and “Thank You” is the proper reply, should I tell the ignorant person the proper response; give him/her a “Jap Slap” across his lips; or jump up and grab him/her by the collar and shake him/her while hollering, “Say THANK YOU, dumb ass?”

I’m too old to be worrying about stuff like this. I need to know so I can be cool and hip, too.

The Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy

The J-Man and my favorite comedian is Larry the Cable Guy. Below are some of his sayings and most of them actually make sense.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death - twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Maxine Maxims

I love trivia and wise maxims. And some of the best maxims are from Maxine, a very wise lady (lady??!!?.) Here is a list of Maxineisms that someone sent to me and I though you might enjoy them, too. Wouldn’t you love to say some of these to someone?

1. Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
2. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma?
3. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
4. Don’t believe everything you think.
5. Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need?
6. Shhh…that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
7. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
8. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
9. Don’t make me use UPPERCASE!
10. If you have something to say, raise your hand…and place it over your mouth.
11. You’re not yourself today…I noticed the improvement immediately!
12. Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?
13. Don’t let your mind wander…it’s too small to be let out on its own.
14. I hear you changed your mind at last…what did you do with the diaper?
15. Life is too short to dance with ugly men!
16. I’m going south for the winter…actually…some parts of me are headed there already.
17. If a man’s home is his castle…HE can learn to clean it!
18. As long as there are TESTS there will be PRAYER in public schools!
19. If there is a tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?
20. Everyone seems normal…until you get to know them.
21. If you woke up breathing…congratulations! You have another chance.
22. My sex life isn’t dead…but the buzzards are circling.
23. My bra is more of a cross-your-waist.
24. Good friends are like stars…you don’t always see them, but you always know they are there.

I have to go, now. The dogs and I need to go outside and mark our territory.

Annual Neologism Contest

I am always amazed at how smart, funny, intelligent and original normal (and some not-so-normal) people can be. Examples are shown below.

Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (N.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (N), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
*****************************************************

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (V): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of making whoopee.
3. Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (N): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (N): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (N): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (N.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11 Glibido (V): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (N): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (N.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (N.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (N.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
16. Ignoranus (N): A person who's both stupid and a...... well, you get it........

150 Things To Put You To Sleep

I found this at Marni’s It’s A Pugs Life. Things in bold are things I've done. For the life of me I can’t imagine why anyone would won’t to know my answers to these, but let me know if you want me to explain any of them.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (In my hand, on my arm and under my foot.)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (US Navy, ya know)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (US Navy, ya know)
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg(besides my first wife?)
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can (especially when no one listens to me)
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (just a moment, though)
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends (Still do)
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan (US Navy, ya know)
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater (After I got married, we went there and, did you know they have movies there?)
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (I can’t even spell D&D, much less play it.)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie (I’m always being ask if I’m Jon Holmes, but no, it’s not me.)
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (does speed count as food?)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest (I went to a nudist Halloween party as a tri-pod one time, but I lost the contest because I kept tipping over.)
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice (Wouldn’t it be a hoot to give the gondola driver – what ever they are called – a hit of speed and then go water skiing behind him?)
80. Gotten a tattoo (Just liver spots.)
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived (Does birth count?)
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes (I live in the South!)
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (Have you ever ordered food in a real Mexican restaurant?)
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head (Navy boot camp, ya know)
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

MAXINE's Answer

The old comic character, Maxine, has an answer for everything. For example she said:

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida. Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans.
Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problem you would like for her to solve today?

The Past 100 Years

My dad was born in 1903, the same year the Wright brothers flew their first plane off of Kill Devil Hill. He jouned the Army at 15 years old to fight in The Great War, but the war ended while he was in boot camp.

My mother was born in 1906 and she would have been 100 years old this year. One hundred years! What a difference a century makes. I found this bit of information and it sort of boggles the mind. It is some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1906:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14% of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minuet call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist, $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95% of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn’t been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30 people.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Two out of every ten U.S. Adults couldn’t read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstore. Back then pharmacist said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.” Shocking? DUH!

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Try to imagine what it may be like for our grandkids and great-grandkids in the next 100 years.

Life's Sad Truth

Life is not like box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

Save The Horses

Positively amazing! Did you hear about the horses that were trapped for 3 days on a tiny piece of land in wind and rain in the Netherlands last month? (October-November 2006)

It had the nation mesmerized, watching about 100 horses huddle against the wind and watching 18 of them die. First firemen, then the Dutch army tried to rescue them, both unsuccessfully.

Four women on horseback rode out to the rescue. Here's a video of it.....

THE SOUND BEGINS ABOUT 58 SECONDS AFTER THE START.....

click here:

http://video.google.nl/videoplay?docid=-4584913278289860160

I still do not know how to post stuff like you professionals. You may just have to cut and past the above url.

Sorry.

I've Been Changed

I like the theatre. Haven’t been in over twenty years; but I liked it when I did go. I’ve seen Cats four times, Pump Boys and Dinette twice and several others. I have the CD to Cats. I play it sometimes when I am on a long drive. But I did something this weekend that has changed life as I have known it.

Back in the late sixties I saw this play and I really liked the music. I didn’t quiet understand the play, but I was knocked out by what I was hearing. Then in the late eighties the movie version came out and I finally understood the whole anti war thing.

So while I was shopping for Marni’s Michael Jackson DVD I saw this CD. HAIR! OMG. I bought it and have been playing it ever since. As I have stated before, I don’t listen to music radio much, preferring to listen to talk radio. And when I do listen to music, I prefer country or blue grass. But these last few days I have been riding around singing at the top of my voice, head bobbing and body gyrating like a teenage boy listening to new wave pop music, or what ever you call this shit being played on the radio these days. People are looking at me.

But that’s not the worst part. My voice will scare the crows out of the corn field. I will make a deaf man cover his ears. It’s bad. It used to be good. In high school I went to All State Chorus at the University of Georgia. I almost got expelled because I missed the concert because Leon W. and I got drunk with some of the football players for the Dawgs. I was 17 at the time. A couple of the players went to my school a year or two before and wanted to show us around Athens. Before you know it, it was after midnight and the bus was waiting on us and the teacher was not pleased. That is for another post.

Hair, Manchester England, L.B.J., Black Boys, White Boys, Let The Sunshine In. If you like to listen to BASS guitars, listen to Hair and Let The Sunshine In (Aquarius). That boy’s fingers are walking up and down that neck like the fingers where on a cross-county marathon. The music is so energizing, a cripple will stand up form his wheel chair and clap and wave the arms. It is just a fun CD.

The best first three or four minuets of any movie I have ever seen belong’s to Top Gun. The last four or five minuets of any movie I have ever seen is Hair. I am stoked.

Peace!

Happy Birthday Mouse

Upload music at Bolt

Today is my baby daughter's birthday. Marni is 40 years old today and in her honor (thanks to Beth at cup-of-coffey) I am sending you this lovely song in her honor.

Enjoy!

Stars Spangled Banner

After answering question number 11 in the previous post, I wanted to tell you about my experience at the neighborhood sports bar.

Sweet Tea is out of town for a couple of weeks and I went there to get a hamburger and beer before the start of the Super Bowl. Because it was so crowded it took a while to get a seat and get my order. So I was eating and watching the pre-game activities on the 35 televisions scattered around the joint when Billy Joel started singing The National Anthem.

As is my custom, I stopped eating and took off my cap (which is a blue Navy cap with a silhouette of my ship and the name and hull number embroidered on it) and place it over my heart. I didn’t stand, but I did “cover.” But I noticed something that made me very proud. Everyone in the place stopped talking and eating and, although they didn’t cover their heart, they did observe the silence and starred at the television screens. Even the young hard bodied young ladies running around and waiting on the tables stopped and stood still. As soon as it was over, the hubbub started again like nothing had happened. But for those three minuets, it was awsom.

I was so impressed that I tear’ed up and had a hard time swallowing my next bite of burger. Damn, we live in a great country.

What You Never Wanted To Know About Me

I stole this ditty from Marni over at it’s a pugs life, and she stole it from Amy over at mish mash. So I thought I would give it a try, too.

1. Who was your best friend (in high school)? I didn’t have a best friend, just some guys that I hung out with.
2. What sports did you play? I was a bench warmer in football and baseball because my brothers made me.
3. What kind of car did you drive? My brother’s ’55 Chevy.
4. Its Friday night, where were you? Sock hop after the football games in the gym or home watching TV.
5. Were you a party animal? No! I just watched.
6. Were you in the “In Crowd”? No! The only crowd I was ever in was when I went to the snack bar at the drive-in.
7. Ever skip school? Sure!
8. Ever smoke? Not in high school or the service. I started when I was twenty-five. I quit over 15 years ago.
9. Were you a nerd? I wasn’t smart enough to be considered a nerd. I was more a jerk.
10. Did you get suspended or expelled? Oh, Yeah!
11. Can you sing the alma mater? Yes, but not on key. I do cover my heart, though.
12. Who was your favorite teacher? That is an oxymoron. My favorite teachers from high school now are the ones that are dead.
13. Favorite class? Study hall! Except for memorizing the dates, I really liked history.
14. What was your school’s full name? West Fulton High
15. School mascot? Owl! It should have been a beer bottle, but the establishment didn’t like the idea.
16. Did you go to Prom? Yes! For the life of me I cannot remember her name. She was a real cute redhead who was so nervous and scarred that she shook anytime we tried to dance. I say “tried” because I couldn’t dance. I took her home immediately after the dance and didn’t even kiss her goodnight. It wasn’t her. It was me. I was so shy and embarrassed that I had to put her out of her misery. I would love to see her again and apologize. I’m sure she is a better person now and not traumatized by my ineptness.
17. If you could go back and do it over, would you? Hell NO!!!
18. What do you remember most about graduation? Being hot in the robes and having to listen to all the speeches, and not really believing it until I got my diploma in my hands. I didn’t really think I would make it.
19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year? I don’t have a lot of good memories of high school.
20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? I don’t know what that is. The only wall I was ever posted on was a line-up.
21. Did you have a job your senior year? Yes! I worked at Dairy Queen/ Braizer and at the Georgia Tech football games hawking Cokes in the stands and selling hotdogs at the Atlanta Crackers baseball games.
22. Who did you date? I didn’t! I did hang with the kids at church and we went out as a group. I had a few crushes on a couple of girls, but I never told them.
23. Where did you go most often for lunch? Cafeteria! There was a place called the Teddy Bear Grill across the street from the school which was off-limits. I had a few lunches there. We call it the Bugger Bear Grill because of all the fights that occurred there.
24. Have you gained weight since then? God yes. Back then I was 6’4’ and 170 lbs. with a 28” waist. I had to jump around in a shower to get wet. I could stand under a clothes line in a rain storm and stay dry. I was skinny.
25. What did you do after graduation? Went to Florida and ended up in jail for doing 95 mph through a 15 mph school zone. I went home and joined the Navy.

Question

On djandy’s site, she asks the question, if Wonder Woman’s plane is invisible and she was naked would we be able to see her. I told her that you could probably see the cockpit. But the question that bothers me is where did moths hang out before the electric light was invented?

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Me

Gizmorox, over at “My Head Is A Box Filled With Nothing,” had the list below and I thought, since, like her sight says, my head is empty, I would do the exercise, too. So here goes:

Three screen names that you’ve had: Coffeypot, Maxwell House (Good to the last drop), Percolator.

Three things you like about yourself: I’m retired, my sense of humor and my self control at not shooting those who piss me off.

Three things you don’t like about yourself: I don’t look like Tom Sellick, I’m built more like Goofy than anyone else and I have the desire to shoot those people who piss me off.

Three parts of your heritage: Cherokee Indian, Irish and, most importantly, Southern.

Three things that scare you: Bill Collectors, Hilary Clinton might become president and that people will start taking Rosie O’Donnell seriously.

Three of your everyday essentials: Sweet Tea, all my medications and TV.

Three things you are wearing right now: Underwear, socks and blue jeans

Three of your favorite songs: Baby Let Me Bang Your Box – Dave Clark and the Hot Nuts (early 60’s song – honest.)
Sixteenth Avenue – Lacy J Dalton
Many others that do not come to mind right now.

Three things you want in a relationship: Honesty, humor and do everything I say. (I wonder what that would actually feel like.)

Two truths and a lie: I drove racecars, I’ve been to Hiroshima, and I’ve snowboarded.

Three things you can’t live without: Air, Water (or diet Coke) and Food.

Three places you want to go on vacation: Australia, Japan and Hawaii.

Three things you just can’t do:Have a baby or a period, brain surgery and eat liver.

Three kids names:Bill, Jim and Stephen

Three things you want to do before you die:
Drive in a NASCAR race, Become a pilot, Own and live on a houseboat (Just things that can be done if I had MONEY.)

Three celeb crushes: Katherine Bell of JAG, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Love (the boobs) Hewett.

Three of your favorite musicians: Credence Clearwater Revival, Rod Stewart and Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: Legs, ass, boobs, body, hair, face, lips, smell, taste and build. What? Only three? Okay: Legsassboobsbody, hairfacelips, and smelltastebuild. That’s three, right?

Three of your favorite hobbies: Reading/TV, NASCAR and J-man and Bug.

Three things you really want to do badly right now: Pee (excuse me, be right back), go walking in the woods, and win the lottery.

Three careers you’re considering/you’ve considered:Lawyer (then I could fuck a lot of people), a cop (then I could shoot all those I couldn’t fuck over), a preacher (they get more sex than the average man. There is the old joke where the kid comes running into the room to his dad and says the religious man is coming. He tells the boy to find out which one it is and, if it is the Catholic Priest, to stand in front of the liquor cabinet, if it is the Methodist Preacher, to stand in front of the refrigerator, and if it is the Baptist Preacher, to sit in his mother’s lap.)

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: I can stand and pee up a wall, I love to drive fast, and I love to look at good looking women.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: I can throw a hissy fit and any time, I cry at movies, and I’m a Lesbian.

Now, why don’t you do one, too, and let me know if you do so that I can read yours.

ABC's

CindyDiane, as an open tag to anyone who reads her column, wanted everyone to do their own version of Alphabet Soup. Is beyond me to understand why anyone would want an answer to some of the questions, but here goes:
A - Availible/single? – No! I’m so married that it will take death to stop it, and even in that event I don’t think I would feel free or single.

B - Best Friend – Earl M. and Quartermaster Chuck!

C - Cake or Pie? – Pies – apple, pecan, coconut, peach, but NEVER mince meat.

D - Drink of choice – Diet Coke – Being born and raised in Atlanta and being a diabetic (Type 2) I had no other choices. Bud Light occasionally or Jack Black sometimes. Well, a little scotch can be enjoyed a couple of times a year.

E - Essential everyday item – Toilet paper.

F - Favorite color - Blue.

G - Gummy bears or Worms? – Worms! They make excellent fish bate and bears are just too big and ornery to deal with.

H - Hometown – I was born in Atlanta, but I don’t go there unless I absolutely have too.

I - Indulgence – Hamburgers!

J - January or February? January or February what? They are both cold and miserable.

K - Kids and names – Me = 1, Marni; Sweet Tea = 2, Dr. Amber and Steven.

L - Life Is Incomplete Without – NASCAR and porn movies.

M - Marriage date – Don’t remember the first one, but Sweet Tea and I were married on Dec. 31, 1993.

N - Number of siblings – Seven – two with us and five gone on ahead.

O - Oranges or apples – Tangerines

Q - Favourite quote - "Until the moral improves the beatings will continue."

R - Reason to Smile – J-man and Bug.

S - Season, Fall or Spring? – Fall! Not long after the Fall you can Spring back up.

T - Tag 3 or 4 people – CindyDiane’s comment is good enough for me. If you haven't been tagged with this one, please consider yourself tagged and let me know in comments you are doing it, so we can all come check it out.

U - Unknown fact about me - I once was a preacher.

V - Veggie that I don't like – Boiled okra. Fried – yum, yum.

W - Worst habit- Peeing in the back yard when I take the dogs out.

X - X-rays – All of me. Why not take (e-rays of) all of me.

Y - Your Fav Food - Hamburgers.

Z - Zodiac sign – Libra – the Scales. I seek balance in life, like, as long as everyone agrees with me I am happy.

NOTE: There was no "P" sent so I didn't add one. If I had it would have been Position - Doggie style so we both can watch wrastling at the same time.